NorthStar Community Daily Devotional

2010-08-17T09:23:00.002-04:00

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2010-08-04T09:48:00.000-04:00

Day 4

Scripture focus: For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT

I learned something about myself that shocked me. I discovered (with a lot of help from God and others) that when I am most afraid, I often look angry. This can really confuse others! I didn’t set out to be confusing. I simply did not know what I was truly feeling.

I am practicing a new thing. I am practicing disclosing to God, myself, and others my true feelings about a scary situation. This is a lot better than scaring everyone in the house with ranting and raving that really isn’t even the issue.

I used to have a tendency to rant and rave about once a month over shoes strewn about the house. This was unpleasant for everyone. Most days scattered shoes were only annoying to me if I tripped over them. Usually scattered shoes were like little love notes from my family to me. The gorgeous heels mean my daughter is home; the men’s dress shoes signal Scott is back in town; random pairs of giant-sized sneakers mean either Pete or Michael is home and not wearing any shoes (because they only wear one pair of shoes each for almost all occasions). These shoes are sweet little (and large) endearments. Most days. But on those days when I was freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional – a stray shoe was cause for alarm.

Now, instead of getting my freak on, I practice saying things like:

* “Today I am feeling scared/anxious/worried/afraid (choose the right one). I am feeling scared/anxious about ________. I could use your help. Could you make a quick pass through the downstairs and grab up any shoes that are scattered around? I know it’s kind of weird, but on days like today, for some reason, I feel less worried/anxious/afraid if the kitchen and den aren’t a mess. Thanks for helping me manage my environment while I’m working through my emotions.”

* “Hey, can you stick these shoes up in your room? It’s one of those days when I care about this, and I appreciate your doing this. It is a way you can care about me!”

I ask you – do you think everyone runs around, grabs up their shoes and puts them in neat rows in a closet? I don’t think so!! But whatever their response – I have honestly self-disclosed. Oddly enough, most days, that’s enough. In the act of self-disclosing, I actually reset my own thoughts. I realize what the kids have been telling me for years is true, “Mom, this cannot possibly be about the shoes!” (Don’t you just hate it when your kids are right?)

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2010-08-03T07:01:00.002-04:00

Day 3

Scripture Focus: When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Psalm 32: 3-4 NLT

Terry Kellogg calls sadness the "healing feeling".

When we feel sad, it is one way our body is acknowledging our powerlessness.

Sadness is how healthy people respond to loss.

One healthy way to feel sad is to say, "I feel sad."

It is honest, real, and deep. It strengthens community.

When my mother-in-law died a few months ago, people said the darnedest things. My favorite was, "I feel sad, too." It helped me experience community, connection, and caring.

I really didn't need anyone else to tell me how I was feeling, or should feel, or what I should think, or what the next right step should be for me as a daughter-in-law. I appreciated all attempts to connect. But a simple response- when it was truthful- of "I feel sad too" on the part of others whose experiences were the same as my own was most healing.

It is healthy to express, name, and take responsibility for our own emotions. It might be wise to not speculate on the emotional state of others. Certainly it is foolish to take responsibility for someone else's emotions.

It is healthy to have an awareness of how we impact others. But we cannot accept responsibility for managing the emotions of anyone but ourselves.

2010-08-02T06:28:00.002-04:00

Day 2

Scripture Focus: When the storms of life come, the wicked are whirled away, but the godly have a lasting foundation. Proverbs 10:25 NLT

Healthy feelings management requires a commitment to living in the middle of the road- without under or over reaction. Suppose someone hurts my feelins. Here are some ways I could choose to respond:

I could say to myself, "This shouldn't hurt my feelings. I'm a big girl. I should be more mature than this!"
I could shout, "I am really, really angry about this!" and then seek vengeance. I could be agressive/passive-agressive/or simply passive. But in my hurt place, if I choose not to acknowledge that I am hurt, I might end up confused and might feel angry and vengeful.
I could mope and play the victim. I could sleep too much or say I'm sick. I could tell everyone about how I got my feelings hurt.
I could make the decision to never, ever put myself in a position of being vulnerable to hurt feelings again!

Or, I could:

Acknowledge my hurt feelings.
Spend a reasonable amount of time examining my feelings. (Remember, a good rule of thumb is this: feelings are guests who visit in order to teach us somethings about ourselves. They should show up, sit down with us for a good meal, and then leave after a polite an appropriate amount of time to visit.)
Ask questions. What is going on with me? What have I learned about my relationship? Is this a legitimate wounding or might it be a triggering event intended to get my attention?
Ask for help if I get stuck in my hurt place.
After I have discovered the lessons I needed to learn, it may be healthy to have a discussion with others about the situation (people in my "hut" who need to know me really well, maybe even the person who triggered my hurt feelings.) The discussions are for my growth, not to wreak havok and mayhem.

2010-08-01T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 1

Scripture focus: Hiding hatred makes you a liar; slandering others makes you a fool. Proverbs 10:19 NLT

Most everything that plagues us is improved through an appropriate recognition and processing of feelings.

Do you acknowledge when you are lonely? Honest, healthy lonely people simply tell the truth about their lonely feelings.

Healthy lonely people give themselves time to feel the emotion, think about the feeling, consider why and where the feeling comes from, and consider possible, carefully thought through responses to the emotion.

This is not the same thing as wallowing.

This is accepting, acknowledging, and taking responsibility for the emotion.

Suppose Pete goes through a season of traveling for work. I get lonely. What do I do about it? Do I pout? Do I withdraw when he is home? Do I over-work/over-eat/over-exercise/over-medicate/veg out on Veggie Tales?

Do I lash out, mope, whine, manipulate or pout?

Maybe! But when I choose the healthier path, I pause to prepare. I ask questions – of myself; after all, I am responsible for my feelings. I might ask:

Is he gone too much for us to create a healthy marriage and family?

Am I too dependent?

If I am lonely, something is not quite right. I will inventory MY LIFE to see if something is missing.

Is Pete’s travel the issue, or is it an excuse and distraction, keeping me from looking at how I am “spending” my life?

What do I need to change? What conversations should Pete and I have – so that he understands me and can join with me in looking at MY loneliness.

2010-07-31T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 31

Scripture focus: Does not wisdom call out? Does not understanding raise her voice? Proverbs 8:1 NIV

An inability to identify, express and appropriately interact with our feelings is a problem. Scott talked about how he sometimes feels like his emotions are an outside force; they overtake him. He feels as if there is nothing he can do.
He could have stuck with this story.

By engaging his faith, he allowed for a space of needed introspection and outside influence. As he explored the writings in scripture, prayed, and sought outside counsel, Scott moved beyond his limited understanding and strong feelings to a new and different point of view.

It has been a process.

I suspect Scott is always going to be a man who has strong emotions. I cannot imagine a day when he will not feel certain about what the General Manager should do to keep the Celtics in contention. He will always make outrageous statements about guys like Pete Carroll being glorified frat boys. He will be certain about what his father needs to do in order to improve his golf game. He will make us more thoughtful types roll our eyes. But he also warms a mother’s heart. I used to think the best of families were “good” ones. We missed that mark completely, but we sure do love the ride.

May each of our families strain our ears to hear the soft, loving voices of God’s Spirit, calling out in wisdom and understanding.

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2010-07-30T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 30

Scripture focus: Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death. Proverbs 7:27 NIV

We are all in denial.

No way, you say?

Are you uncomfortably aware that your marriage is crumbling, and your kid is hanging out on street corners? How can this be denial?

Part of denial involves our inability to figure out how our troubles happened.

Think about it like this. Scott starts hanging out with a girl who has a boyfriend far away. They click. Does Scott ever stop and ask, “Hmmmm. If I become her boyfriend, will I feel secure if we have to live far apart?”

Hindsight is a beautiful thing; but let’s face it, some things we can see coming a mile away.

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2010-07-29T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 29

Scripture focus: Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. Proverbs 7:26 NIV

If someone wants to victimize you, it will require your full cooperation.

Figuring out what is going not quite right is absolutely NOT the same thing as ascribing blame.

Once I was teaching a lesson on family systems, and some guy at the back of the room stood up and shouted in utter frustration, “I get all this! Tell me how to fix it!”

He was sincere but the way he glared down at his wife led me to intuit that perhaps he was playing the blame game.

I replied, “Go first.”

“What?” He squinted back at me, cupped his ear and tried to believe that he had misheard.

“You heard me. Go first. Be a man. Fix your part in the problem. See what happens.”

I never saw that guy again. Maybe he got busy and went first. Maybe he decided I didn’t have a clue.

When it gets right down to it, the only change we can ever truly control is the changes we make ourselves.

“A safe but sometimes chilly way of recalling the past is to force open a crammed drawer. If you are searching for anything in particular, you don’t find it, but something falls out at the back that is often more interesting.” J. M. Barrie, from the dedication to his first edition of Peter Pan.

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2010-07-28T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 28

Scripture focus: Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say. Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. Proverbs 7:24-25 NIV

One of the skill differentiators between healthy and unwell families is the use of boundaries. Boundaries are best used with flexibility. Unfortunately, many of us either have too rigid or too diffuse boundaries.

Suppose grandma falls and breaks her hip. If she has too rigid boundaries, she tells everyone that she is fine and refuses all help. Too diffuse and she calls up her daughter in Poughkeepsie and says, “Sweetie, the time has come. I need you to leave your job, your husband, your seven children and three dogs, come to Richmond and take care of me. This is your duty. I’ll have my friend Nancy pick you up at the train station at three. Please wear that lovely blue suit I gave you for your birthday – you are completely helpless when it comes to fashion.”

Boundaries help our heart stay true to its calling.

Boundaries help us not wander over onto someone else’s path.

How are your boundaries? Might this be a subject worth exploring?

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2010-07-27T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 27

Scripture focus: All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life. Proverbs 7:22-23 NIV

Unhealthy families, for a variety of reasons, often end up stepping into nooses without a clue as to how they got caught up in such costly mistakes. Healthy families divide up their structure and roles, integrating and creating a home in connection with each other. Unhealthy families are rigid, separately taking on functions, working in isolation. Here are some of the roles you can find in most typically unhealthy families:

* Someone in the family does a lot of stuff. They are the energizer bunny, and people often compliment them on their ability to be go-go-going. For a long time, the energizer preens in front of such adulation. He/she doesn’t notice that everyone else is sitting around eating popcorn and watching a movie. Eventually, Mr. or Mrs. Do-er feels tired, lonely, neglected, empty, disrespected.

* Someone in the family takes charge of loving, helping, enabling. They smooth out ruffled feathers and avoid conflict. This may morph into a lot of “doing” – but mostly this person fears that others will abandon the family or that the family cannot survive without them.

*The loner escapes. This isn’t the same as introversion, because it is accompanied by a deep sense of loneliness.

*The hero provides success for the family to bask in. He/she makes the family proud, but at great personal expense.

*The mascot provides comic relief. He/she is in charge of play. This person takes up the banner of fun as a fantastic escape from problems, and often judges others as too serious.

*The scapegoat takes on the unenviable position of black sheep.

*Favoritism is another role – maybe dad has a favorite little princess, or mom has a favorite little prince.

*One person may carry the banner of spirituality for the family.
In healthy families, these roles get mixed up and handed out, played out by all the members to various degrees at different times. Which kind of family is yours?

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2010-07-26T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 26

Scripture focus: With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. Proverbs 7:21 NIV

I used to believe that if Pete and I could create a “good” family, no one would go astray. Boy was I an idiot!

This week I had lunch with a friend who I think has created not only a “good” family structure but a great one. Our time together began with a recitation of the interesting situations her children had gotten themselves entangled in since last we lunched. These “entanglements” included handcuffs and tickets and a few other things that one doesn’t normally associate with “good” families (because, as I said, most of us are idiots!).

Does this alter my viewpoint about my friend? No way! In fact, it confirms my conviction. As a healthy family, she and her brood have experienced problems and stress but have handled them in a healthy way.

She and her husband talk about problems; they make adjustments; they admit when a symptom indicates a need for change; they talk to the kids about the changes they are making; they admit their stress without wallowing in it – they take appropriate action; they make it easy for their kids to admit problems too; they teach their kids how to be problem solvers, not royalty in the family system of denial.

Healthy families:
* Provide safety, warmth, nurturance to all members
* Create a sense of community, belonging, loving
* Foster autonomy
* Promote self-respect in all members
* Make mistakes without making it a federal offense
* Have fun
* Are spiritual

As you might suspect, unhealthy families have a different kind of list. To be continued…

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2010-07-25T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 25

Scripture focus: She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: “I have fellowship offerings at home; today I fulfilled my vows. So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you! I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. Come, let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love! My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.” Proverbs 7:13-20 NIV

What is it exactly about this seduction that makes it so….seductive? It isn’t the sheets!

It probably is related to:
* Temporary reduction in anxiety
* Temporary distraction from stress
* Temporary feelings of power/control and well-being
* An opportunity to avoid and address our true feelings
* A way to avoid developmental responsibilities
* A distraction from problems
* Avoidance of intimacy

I bet Pete would prefer that I put on a brazen face, kiss and hold him, and offer him all sorts of opportunities to cavort on colored linens from Egypt. But the real deal is this: our bed is currently piled high with about 16 loads of clothes that need folding. We could take a walk down to the street corner, but we wouldn’t make it and here’s why: our lawn needs water, the grass needs cutting and the rose bushes need a trim.

The only cinnamon we see is what I sprinkle in the oatmeal we eat while swallowing our cholesterol meds and working the daily crossword puzzle in an attempt to keep dementia at bay.

But I will tell you this: life is sweet many (not all) days at our house. Our recovery community continues to teach us how to avoid the long journey of denial and walk the road to recovery. It’s the good life. Not perfect, not without lapses, but good.

May we all find our way back home.

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2010-07-24T05:00:00.001-04:00

Day 24

Scripture focus: Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent. (She is loud and defiant, her feet never stay at home; now in the street, now in the squares, at every corner she lurks.) Proverbs 7:10-12 NIV

In case you’ve never hooked up with a prostitute, please allow me to provide some alternative dangerously addictive comforts that might be substituted in these verses to give us a more personal connection: alcohol, prescription and/or nonprescription drugs, illegal drugs, food, tv, sex, work, spending, hoarding, stress, exercise, reading, risky behaviors, nicotine, caffeine, relationships, power, sleep, gambling, etc.

Is it possible that forces with crafty intent are finding a receptive audience in your heart?

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2010-07-23T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 23

Scripture focus: He (a youth) was going down the street near her corner, walking along in the direction of her house at twilight, as the day was fading, as the dark of night set in. Proverbs 7:8-9 NIV

Some parenting philosophies suggest that we protect our children, teaching them to avoid corners where temptation lurks. Pete and I haven’t really ascribed to this theory. Our fasciculous retroflexeses are in working order (that neurological super speedy highway between the mid-brain the prefrontal cortex which helps us think about cause and effect, delayed gratification, etc.) and that means that although we seriously considered chaining our children to their bedposts until they were thirty in order to avoid evil doing, we feared that this would leave them with a limited sense of freedom. Frankly, we were afraid that once we cut them loose they would go no farther than the kitchen, maybe the den. We really didn’t want to be cleaning up ramon noodle wrappers each morning or picking up empty Cheerwine bottles off the coffee table when our kids were old enough to apply for Social Security.

Lapses in judgment, symptoms of unwellness, relationship malfunctions and all the other “isms” that plague us often start as normal, developmental responses to life stress. Often our symptoms are a treatment strategy for avoiding pain and suffering.

Growing up with require that we get serious about facing our problems; faith provides us a framework to do so that is both hopeful and healing.

Clearly, all children will one day walk down the street. Maybe it will be at twilight, as the dark of night is setting in. They will feel lonely, and in need of companionship. They will feel tempted to seek the comfort that is available and inviting. Delaying gratification, trusting God to provide, might be concepts best embraced in the light. Darkness clouds the vision. They will have some choices to make, and it will be most helpful if they have a real sense of community to reach out to…..or should I say “we”?

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2010-07-22T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 22

Scripture focus: At the window of my house I looked out through the lattice. I saw among the simple, I noticed among the young men, a youth who lacked judgment. Proverbs 7:6-7

One of the snares common to man is the propensity to judge. Proverbs, read improperly, can foster that inclination. Scott learned that taking the writings of scripture and praying them personally certainly puts a new spin on things. Here’s how this one could read (from my perspective): At the window of the neighbor’s house, he/she looked out through the lattice. He/she saw among the simple, he/she noticed among them Teresa – a person too old to be mistaken for a youth, but one who acted like a youth – she (Teresa) lacked judgment. Ahhhh…this changes things, does it not? We eliminate the need to discuss the waywardness of the youth today and how different it was “back in the day” and instead, we focus on our life on this particular day. A second snare waiting to grab us is the feeling of shame (a belief that we are broken, terminally unique, badder than the baddest person in town, unforgivable, irreparable, a reprobate). Frankly, swallowing this emotion whole without doing an appropriate fact check is irresponsible. And although lack of judgment and irresponsibility are natural, normal, developmentally appropriate stages in the life of a youth – unless you are still at the point where you must get a stranger to pick you up a six pack at the local store because you left your fake ID in your jeans that your Mama just washed – when we grow up, part of maturation will require that we learn how to live responsibly and acquire the capacity to use good judgment. The third snare is family dysfunction. There are symptoms that we develop when we grow up in a family that does not teach us how to have reasonably healthy coping strategies, provide us with a profound sense of security, and inspire us to reach for the stars (because we were created for such things – not in a vain attempt to win parental notice or approval). These symptoms might include: psychiatric and stress disorders, substance abuse, addictions to depression, phobias, anxiety, personality disorders, sexual dysfunction, intimacy issues, hyper-activity, compulsions, obsessions and more. This does NOT mean that healthy families never have problems – they do (see list above). But in unhealthy families, we are less like to name, address, resolve, and move through our issues. Recently I spoke at a conference where there was a strong medical presence representing the recovery movement. They grilled me – at length – about the need for a spiritual component to the recovery process. Many of these fine men and women, working on the front lines of addiction treatment day after day, wanted to make sure that I understood the physiological component of addiction (I know. You could’ve told them about how I harp on this, right?) I nodded in assent and with sincere appreciation thanked them for continuing to teach us all about how we can better overcome substance abuse. But what I’d like to add to that comment is this: every life choice, problem, issue, concern, bad break, disease, blessing and curse that comes down the pike is better understood, addressed, coped with and healed when we live as spiritual beings. People with cancer who have strong faiths reportedly do better than cancer patients with no faith. Scott had a series of tough breaks and a lapse in judgment that turned into a huge opportunity to grow and learn because he engaged his faith, perhaps sidestepping further snares. His faith did not act as a shield from youthful indiscretion, but it gave him a way to understand God, himself and others that was comforting and informative. May we all continue to lean into the word of God.

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2010-07-21T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 21

Scripture focus: Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,” and call understanding your kinsman; they will keep you from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words. Proverbs 7:4-5 NIV

John and Linda Friel have researched and documented this material in a book, Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families. As we study what it looks like to life dysfunctionally, I ask you to consider the call of God’s word and his sweet mercy. Our goal is not to wallow in our limitations, but to tell the truth about the symptoms in our lives that indicate our need for God’s healing powers. Adult children of dysfunctional families may experience:

*Pivotal times in our life (ages 28, 39, 47) when there is a greater intensity, pain and confusion about ourselves, our purpose, and our ability to cope such that we need to seek help beyond ourselves.
* Prone to covetousness, desiring to be like “her” or “him”.
* Believe that we are unlovable if people knew the real us.
* We are distant, detached, fearful of relationship even with those we love – especially children.
* Believe in the illusion of a “perfect” life until one of our own children gets into trouble.
* Unable to achieve our potential – under-employed, aimless.
* Tend toward addictions.
* Suffer migraines, over-exercise, eating disordered.
* Come from highly dysfunctional, chaotic families (addicted, abusive).
* Paralyzed as a result of subtle, covert dysfunction from our family of origin that we can’t quite name.
* Compared unfavorably to higher achieving siblings; feel guilty or jealous of siblings.
* Walked on eggshells in childhood, neglected or fearful, insecure regarding family stability.
* May have had a lot of material goods without physical or emotional support of parents.
* Spoiled or smothered by misguided love, seduced to stay in the family circle while peers are living adult lives; demand love from others.
* Afraid of authority figures or people are afraid of us; hate others who are different from us.
* Irresponsible with self-care, over-responsible with caretaking of others.
* Despise religion or atheism-fear God or expect him to take care of us.
* Experience abuse as adults – either abused or abusive.
* Limited range of emotional expression- roller coasters or emotionless; suffer from rage or depression.
* Either try too hard or too little; workaholic; never satisfied; suffer as much as we can.
* Try to look “picture perfect”; study others to determine what is “normal”.
* Hate one parent, over-protect the other.

Our childish ways of protecting ourselves are no longer helpful to us as adults – but we keep using these out-dated methodologies. Something needs to change. We need to consider the possibility that it is time to grow wise, mature, and follow God’s call for holy living (holiness – living with nothing hidden).
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2010-07-20T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 20

Scripture focus: Bind them [God’s commands] on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 7:3 NIV

Clearly, the most obvious commandment of all is to love God and others (as we love ourselves). (The assumption in this statement is that we do, in fact, love ourselves. The presumption is that we know how to love ourselves – appropriate self-care – in a healthy way.)

My closest friends, those who co-parented with Pete and I, are getting old. It is with this experiential background that I can say to you with complete confidence – I agree with Scott when he said, “One struggle I find in applying these passages on wisdom pertains to the fact that I am not always aware of the wisest action in a given situation. Scripture consistently preaches the importance of staying wise, keeping one’s head, but that, like many things, is easier said than done.”

Loving our children, amazingly enough, is easier said than done.

This is true in every family. No one is immune. Norman Rockwell’s beautiful depictions of the perfect family are fiction, works of art. My friend the artist has tutored me on the life of an artist. She paints over imperfections. She starts a canvas and sometimes covers up her first, second and twelfth attempts. As families, we do not have this luxury. I cannot learn my lessons as a parent and then turn back the clock and start over with my children.

Blessings upon blessings, it has been in the field of study of the addicted family system that we have had the most opportunity to learn from our mistakes. Isn’t this amazing? I love how God works!

The remainder of the month will be a peek into the kinds of kids that addicted families are prone to create (with the blessed underlying assumption that God’s grace is more than sufficient to overcome our human limitations).

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2010-07-19T05:00:00.002-04:00

Day 19

Scripture focus: Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye. Proverbs 7:2 NIV

Scott and I have a deeper bond than mother and son. We are also brothers and sisters in Christ; co-laborers in the fields ripe for the harvest. We are joined by a connection that reaches back to the beginning of time. Both come from the imagination of God – who created us as humans who bear the image of our heavenly Father. From this perspective, I am old enough to realize that sometimes we must tumble before we triumph; victory is not always sweet, but mostly sweaty. Scripture teaches us that we enter into the refiner’s fire more than we march like little soldiers in blind compliance to the instructions of a God who prefers obedience over sacrifice (see Micah 6:6-9 for what God really prefers).

It aggravates me when my kids forget to write thank you notes or hang out with girls that have boyfriends back home. I am prone to confusion and may see their lapses in judgment as something I am responsible for unless I continue to remember who I am responsible to (ultimately mostly God).

Notice the subtle shift when I realign my perspective.

No longer am I the guardian of my children’s choices. Suddenly, the focus shifts to my choices as a mother who is responsible to model, guide and instruct.

Oh Lord, have I kept your commands? Am I living in tune with the unforced rhythms of your grace, guided by the voice of the Holy Spirit? Have I guarded your teachings as the apple of my eye?

Inevitably, I discover that the best I can do for my children is to take responsibility for myself. Do you sense my heavy sigh? My children’s stories fascinate and intrigue me. I never tire of studying them. Returning to the place of honest self-reflection is less fascinating and more frustrating than I would care to admit.

More on why our children benefit from less obsessive parenting and more obedience on the part of their parental units tomorrow…

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2010-07-19T05:00:00.000-04:00

Day 18

Scripture focus: My son, keep my words and store up my commands within you. Proverbs 7:1 NIV

Our family has long believed in the concept of co-parenting. One of our friends who joined the team that co-parented Scott was Tom. Tom has a saying, “I find that parenting our children is less about what they learn from us, and more about what we learn from them.” Of course, Tom and the rest of us only came to this marvelous insight after our kids left for college and we resumed the luxury of sleeping through the night.

Long before our children taught us differently, Pete and I thought that one of our responsibilities as parents was to teach our children how to behave. Concepts like: good manners, talking to folks and maintaining eye contact, not poking their siblings’ eyes out with pointy sticks – stuff like that – all seemed very important. And they were! Families who fail to pay attention to modeling, guiding and instructing kids in the fine art of getting along with others often end up with hooligans (or kids who act like they are the parents of their parents) for children.

Parents have a responsibility to their children. But parents are not responsible for the outcome.

Although I would love for my children to learn all of life’s lessons via text message or video – without having to get personally involved in the messiness of life, I know this is not meant to be. Of course, it would be nice if children behaved – even the adult ones.

But the truth is, what I truly value (on days when I am feeling mature and faith-filled) is not so much behaving as believing. I appreciate Scott’s story on many levels, but mostly I appreciate how he engaged his faith in the process and faced his own humanity head on. Would it have been better for him to have taken this class and learned how to seek wisdom through scripture reading and new forms of prayer BEFORE he made his choice with regards to hanging out with a very cute girl who broke his heart? A mother’s heart says yes.

More on why I am not sure that a mother’s heart is the best place to look for answers in tomorrow’s devotional.
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2010-07-18T05:00:00.000-04:00

2010-07-17T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 17

Scripture focus: Then Job answered the LORD and said,
"I know that You can do all things,
And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'
"Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."
'Hear, now, and I will speak;
I will ask You, and You instruct me.'
"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
But now my eye sees You;
Therefore I retract,
And I repent in dust and ashes." Job 42:1-6

I find it easy to live out my faith in a complacent fashion. I find it particularly easy to absolve myself of any responsibility as I prepare for ministry within the context of seminary. Perhaps on a subconscious level it seems like I am devoting the rest of my life to God and as long as I limit the flagrancy of my offenses against him then I am relatively in the clear. The study of scripture has served as a humbling reminder of my existence both in relationship to him and the larger context of the Christian community.

On an individual level, these scriptures provided me with a more refined view of the interplay between wisdom and emotion while further providing a framework for re-learning how to interact with God in prayer. I desire to stay in close contact with God through prayer and study so as to provide myself with the best possible opportunity to interact wisely. While the importance of the individual nature of my relationship with God should not be underscored, these scriptures further serve as a much-needed reminder than I exist as a small piece of God’s creation. His interaction with creation is not limited to answering my prayers. Also, the way God relates to people and creation often remains mysterious. In the past, this realization served as something which I used to distance myself from him, and now it draws me close.
May you be drawn close in whatever circumstance you find yourself today. swm

This concludes Scott’s portion of the July devotional study. If you’d like to ask Scott questions or offer up a personal comment or two, you can reach Scott through the NSC website (info@northstarcommunity.com). Our administrator will happily forward all your personal inquiries to him!

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2010-07-16T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 16

Scripture focus: He said,
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked I shall return there
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD."
Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God. Job 1:21-22 New American Standard Bible

In terms of God’s relationship with individuals, the most profound example comes from Job. After spending much time complaining to God about the lack of justice in his circumstances, God reminds Job of a few things. He emphasizes his power as creator in addition to the human inability to fully comprehend God’s infinite nature. God’s speech reminds Job of his place in the universe; that he merely represents one part of God’s vast creation. I find this speech interesting, as Job 1 and 2 do not indicate that the adversary (In Hebrew- the word that gets translated as Satan here is not actually a name, just a word meaning “adversary”) afflicted Job while God’s attention rested elsewhere.

Instead God himself pointed the adversary, or accuser, in Job’s direction because of his holy and blameless nature. Thus, it confuses me that God’s argument centers on Job’s place in the universe, as God himself singled Job out for this treatment. Either way God’s argument only serves as a partial explanation for what Job endured. As such, in applying this to my own set of circumstances, this is all I have to work with. In no way do I suspect that God singled me out for punishment and would never place myself in Job’s class as a blameless and upright man.
However, the book does serve as yet another useful reminder of my place in the universe. I must maintain a sense of perspective about my own problems within the context of what happens within both God’s people and the rest of the world. swm

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2010-07-15T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 15

Scripture focus: For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot,
And like a root out of parched ground;
He has no stately form or majesty
That we should look upon Him,
Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him.
He was despised and forsaken of men,
A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
And like one from whom men hide their face
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.
Surely our griefs He Himself bore,
And our sorrows He carried;
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten of God, and afflicted.
But He was pierced through for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,
And by His scourging we are healed.
All of us like sheep have gone astray,
Each of us has turned to his own way;
But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all
To fall on Him.
He was oppressed and He was afflicted,
Yet He did not open His mouth;
Like a lamb that is led to slaughter,
And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers,
So He did not open His mouth.
By oppression and judgment He was taken away;
And as for His generation, who considered
That He was cut off out of the land of the living
For the transgression of my people, to whom the stroke was due?
His grave was assigned with wicked men,
Yet He was with a rich man in His death,
Because He had done no violence,
Nor was there any deceit in His mouth.
But the LORD was pleased
To crush Him, putting Him to grief;
If He would render Himself as a guilt offering,
He will see His offspring,
He will prolong His days,
And the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in His hand.
As a result of the anguish of His soul,
He will see it and be satisfied;
By His knowledge the Righteous One,
My Servant, will justify the many,
As He will bear their iniquities.
Therefore, I will allot Him a portion with the great,
And He will divide the booty with the strong;
Because He poured out Himself to death,
And was numbered with the transgressors;
Yet He Himself bore the sin of many,
And interceded for the transgressors. Isaiah 53:2-12

In some ways, the book of Esther may serve as a counter to this view of God and his relationship to his people. While a variety of religious implications exist within this book, God’s involvement in this story remains a mystery. God’s people are both persecuted and yet protected, and though his involvement may be inferred from this protection, the author never makes this explicit. Occasionally, then, scripture portrays God as one working behind the scenes rather than one tyrannically controlling every situation. It serves as a witness of God’s power and presence even when he does not choose to act. For me, this became a helpful theme to remember. Even though I could not discern God’s specific level of activity in my life I could recognize and appreciate that he still existed somewhere; both in the world and with his people. swm

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2010-07-14T05:00:00.002-04:00

July 14

Scripture focus: Bless the LORD, O my soul!
O LORD my God, You are very great;
You are clothed with splendor and majesty,
Covering Yourself with light as with a cloak,
Stretching out heaven like a tent curtain.
He lays the beams of His upper chambers in the waters;
He makes the clouds His chariot;
He walks upon the wings of the wind;
He makes the winds His messengers,
Flaming fire His ministers.
He established the earth upon its foundations,
So that it will not totter forever and ever.
You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
The waters were standing above the mountains.
At Your rebuke they fled,
At the sound of Your thunder they hurried away.
The mountains rose; the valleys sank down
To the place which You established for them.
You set a boundary that they may not pass over,
So that they will not return to cover the earth.
He sends forth springs in the valleys;
They flow between the mountains;
They give drink to every beast of the field;
The wild donkeys quench their thirst.
Beside them the birds of the heavens dwell;
They lift up their voices among the branches.
He waters the mountains from His upper chambers;
The earth is satisfied with the fruit of His works.
He causes the grass to grow for the cattle,
And vegetation for the labor of man,
So that he may bring forth food from the earth,
And wine which makes man's heart glad,
So that he may make his face glisten with oil,
And food which sustains man's heart.
The trees of the LORD drink their fill,
The cedars of Lebanon which He planted,
Where the birds build their nests,
And the stork, whose home is the fir trees.
The high mountains are for the wild goats;
The cliffs are a refuge for the shephanim.
He made the moon for the seasons;
The sun knows the place of its setting.
You appoint darkness and it becomes night,
In which all the beasts of the forest prowl about.
The young lions roar after their prey
And seek their food from God.
When the sun rises they withdraw
And lie down in their dens.
Man goes forth to his work
And to his labor until evening.
O LORD, how many are Your works!
In wisdom You have made them all;
The earth is full of Your possessions.
There is the sea, great and broad,
In which are swarms without number,
Animals both small and great.
There the ships move along,
And Leviathan, which You have formed to sport in it.
They all wait for You
To give them their food in due season.
You give to them, they gather it up;
You open Your hand, they are satisfied with good.
You hide Your face, they are dismayed;
You take away their spirit, they expire
And return to their dust.
You send forth Your Spirit, they are created;
And You renew the face of the ground.
Let the glory of the LORD endure forever;
Let the LORD be glad in His works;
He looks at the earth, and it trembles;
He touches the mountains, and they smoke.
I will sing to the LORD as long as I live;
I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.
Let my meditation be pleasing to Him;
As for me, I shall be glad in the LORD.
Let sinners be consumed from the earth
And let the wicked be no more
Bless the LORD, O my soul
Praise the LORD! Psalm 104

The Psalms repeatedly serve as examples of corporate prayer. They never lose sight of the fact that we exist as part of God’s people and not merely as a collection of individuals worshiping God in isolation. Psalms such as 104 also offer glimpses of God’s interaction with his people. This psalm in particular demonstrates his role not only as the creator, but also the one who maintains creation, including humans. Thus it indicates an intimate involvement between God, creation, and mankind. It serves as a helpful reminder to know that I exist as part of something much broader than myself. God may be intimately involved and connected with his people even when I do not perceive this connection for myself on an individual, personal level. swm

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2010-07-13T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 13

Scripture focus: Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth.
Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the LORD Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the LORD is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations. Psalm 100

In this process of seeking wisdom, questioning God, and revolutionizing my prayer life, the various presentations of God’s presence in the world as exhibited in the writings of scripture also proved formative in my development. In such times as the ones mentioned previously, devoting oneself to morbid self-attention often seems a natural by-product of self-doubt and large doses of suffering. I was no exception. The Writings counter this mentality by offering forth a myriad of varying examples of how God interacts in the world. Ultimately, the world does not revolve around me. The sun does not rise and set at my convenience. swm

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2010-07-12T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 12

Scripture focus: O come, let us sing for joy to the LORD,
Let us shout joyfully to the rock of our salvation.
Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving,
Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.
For the LORD is a great God
And a great King above all gods,
In whose hand are the depths of the earth,
The peaks of the mountains are His also.
The sea is His, for it was He who made it,
And His hands formed the dry land.
Come, let us worship and bow down,
Let us kneel before the LORD our Maker.
For He is our God,
And we are the people of His pasture and the sheep of His hand
Today, if you would hear His voice,
Do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah,
As in the day of Massah in the wilderness,
"When your fathers tested Me,
They tried Me, though they had seen My work.
"For forty years I loathed that generation,
And said they are a people who err in their heart,
And they do not know My ways.
"Therefore I swore in My anger,
Truly they shall not enter into My rest." Psalm 95

One of the blessings I have discovered in the study of scripture is that there absolutely is a place for big emotions in the kingdom of God. I believe that one can only lament to the same extent to which he or she expresses a willingness to praise (just my personal opinion). One cannot simply complain about God’s lack of action for all of the negative aspects of life while taking all of the credit, or simply not acknowledging any credit, for the positive things that transpire. In the aftermath of my situation, it became abundantly clear that God saved me from a potentially lifelong mistake, he provided me with money which helped me in my housing crisis, car and computer situation, and he allowed my grandmother to pass quickly so as not to suffer. Because I spent so much time lamenting, it is vital that I offer praise and thanksgiving in the resolution of each of these situations. I found Psalms 95, 100, and 104 particularly useful in teaching me to offer forth this kind of prayer. They continually reminded me of God’s greatness even in trying circumstances. He is who he is regardless of what happens to me, and I am still a part of his people. swm

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2010-07-11T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 11

Scripture focus: This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. My eyes pour down unceasingly,without stopping, until the LORD looks down and sees from heaven. My eyes bring pain to my soul because of all the daughters of my city. You have heard my voice, "Do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, from my cry for help." Lamentations 3:21, 49-51, 56

Lamentations functions similarly to the lamenting Psalms I discussed in previous entries.

The author cries out to God and expects action.

Interestingly, the author here seems to understand that he/she has some level of responsibility for his/her circumstances. The author mentions the sins of Jerusalem in such places as 1:8, 3:42, 4:13, and 5:7 and seems to indicate personal sin in 1:14 and 18.

One can assume then, that neither an individual nor God can take full responsibility for circumstances. Blaming God and crying out to him may be acceptable, but it is important not to overlook one’s own role in arriving at a particular position. Most of the circumstances mentioned above were matters outside of my control. The one situation over which I did possess some level of control took the harshest toll on my emotions. (At least in the short-term, the grieving process with respect to my grandmother is farther reaching and longer lasting). In my laments to God, I find it important to take responsibility for my actions rather than simply shaking my finger at the clouds. swm

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2010-07-10T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 10

Scripture focus:
I said, "I will guard my ways
That I may not sin with my tongue;
I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle
While the wicked are in my presence."
I was mute and silent,
I refrained even from good,
And my sorrow grew worse.
My heart was hot within me,
While I was musing the fire burned;
Then I spoke with my tongue:
"LORD, make me to know my end
And what is the extent of my days;
Let me know how transient I am.
"Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight;
Surely every man at his best is a mere breath. Selah.
"Surely every man walks about as a phantom;
Surely they make an uproar for nothing;
He amasses riches and does not know who will gather them.
"And now, Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in You.
"Deliver me from all my transgressions;
Make me not the reproach of the foolish.
"I have become mute, I do not open my mouth,
Because it is You who have done it.
"Remove Your plague from me;
Because of the opposition of Your hand I am perishing.
"With reproofs You chasten a man for iniquity;
You consume as a moth what is precious to him;
Surely every man is a mere breath. Selah.
"Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry;
Do not be silent at my tears;
For I am a stranger with You,
A sojourner like all my fathers.
"Turn Your gaze away from me, that I may smile again
Before I depart and am no more." Psalm 39

In baseball, if a player goes an extended period of time without getting a hit, the tension amongst his fans builds as they anticipate his next hit. Technically, it is perfectly plausible that this person will never hit again but fans have faith that it will happen. (This analogy could also work for “football” players and scoring goals, if that helps during this season of World Cup.) These Psalms seem to work in much the same way. Tension builds in the times where God does not act but the Psalmist (I use this word because the authorship of the Psalms is not entirely clear, and probably rests with more than one person) never seems to lose hope that he will act. Or perhaps, at the very least, the Psalmist does not lose faith in God’s ability to act. I have a responsibility to cry out in both lament and hope during times of distress. This will look different for each person so don’t hesitate to embrace the approach that feels most natural for you. swm

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2010-07-09T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 9

Scripture focus: My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Far from my deliverance are the words of my groaning. O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer; and by night, but I have no rest. Yet You are holy, O You who are enthroned upon the praises of Israel. In You our fathers trusted; they trusted and You delivered them. To You they cried out and were delivered; in You they trusted and were not disappointed. But I am a worm and not a man, a reproach of men and despised by the people. All who see me sneer at me; they separate with the lip, they wag the head, saying, "Commit yourself to the LORD; let Him deliver him; let Him rescue him, because He delights in him."

Yet You are He who brought me forth from the womb; You made me trust when upon my mother's breasts. Upon You I was cast from birth; you have been my God from my mother's womb. Be not far from me, for trouble is near; for there is none to help. Psalm 22:1-11

Somewhere along the line I constructed a theology which protects God, though it seems abundantly clear now that he neither needs nor desires my protection.

Surely God does not care to hear me whine about my problems.

I remember how I desired to explain to people after such instances as the shooting that took place while I was at Virginia Tech that God was not responsible.

Ultimately, I was afraid of the reality that God does possess some level of responsibility during times of suffering. The Psalms illustrate that while human sinfulness may act as the most immediate cause of a given circumstance, God ultimately possesses the power to intervene.
Because he has this power, the Psalms indicate that it is okay to cry out and request this intervention, or even more drastically, to assess blame.

Prior, I found myself too invested in maintaining God’s appearance as one above reproach to allow myself to fully relate and engage him in this way.

The Psalms and my prayer life took on new vitality as I began to pray them myself rather than reading them simply as another person’s prayers. Not only do these Psalms indicate that lament serves as an acceptable form of prayer, but they also contain hope and an expectancy of God’s action. swm

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2010-07-08T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 8

Scripture focus: Why do You stand afar off, O LORD? Why do You hide Yourself in times of trouble? In pride the wicked hotly pursue the afflicted; Let them be caught in the plots which they have devised. For the wicked boasts of his heart's desire, and the greedy man curses and spurns the LORD. The wicked, in the haughtiness of his countenance, does not seek Him all his thoughts are, "There is no God." His ways prosper at all times; your judgments are on high, out of his sight; as for all his adversaries, he snorts at them. 6He says to himself, "I will not be moved; throughout all generations I will not be in adversity." His mouth is full of curses and deceit and oppression; under his tongue is mischief and wickedness. He sits in the lurking places of the villages; in the hiding places he kills the innocent; his eyes stealthily watch for the unfortunate. He lurks in a hiding place as a lion in his lair; He lurks to catch the afflicted; He catches the afflicted when he draws him into his net. He crouches, he bows down, and the unfortunate fall by his mighty ones. He says to himself, "God has forgotten; He has hidden His face; He will never see it." Arise, O LORD; O God, lift up Your hand do not forget the afflicted. Why has the wicked spurned God? He has said to himself, "You will not require it." You have seen it, for You have beheld mischief and vexation to take it into Your hand.

The unfortunate commits himself to You; You have been the helper of the orphan. Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer, seek out his wickedness until You find none. The LORD is King forever and ever; nations have perished from His land. O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed, So that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror. Psalm 10

The catalyst for my season of self-reflection began with a broken heart skillfully pierced on the night before I flew home to visit my grandmother who was in the process of dying unexpectedly in the hospital. I also found out the day prior that my rooming situation was changing and I had no promising leads on a new home. And my car broke down. And my computer crashed. Each of these situations on its own may have been somewhat manageable, but I found the combination overwhelming. I needed to cry out to God but I would not allow myself to do so. Have you ever resisted a good cry out to God? swm

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2010-07-07T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 7

Scripture focus: My son, if you have become surety for your neighbor, have given a pledge for a stranger, if you have been snared with the words of your mouth, have been caught with the words of your mouth, do this then, my son, and deliver yourself; since you have come into the hand of your neighbor, go, humble yourself, and importune your neighbor. Give no sleep to your eyes, nor slumber to your eyelids; deliver yourself like a gazelle from the hunter's hand and like a bird from the hand of the fowler. Go to the ant, O sluggard, observe her ways and be wise, which, having no chief, officer or ruler, prepares her food in the summer and gathers her provision in the harvest. How long will you lie down, O sluggard? When will you arise from your sleep? "A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest"-- Your poverty will come in like a vagabond and your need like an armed man.

A worthless person, a wicked man, is the one who walks with a perverse mouth, who winks with his eyes, who signals with his feet, who points with his fingers; who with perversity in his heart continually devises evil, who spreads strife. Therefore his calamity will come suddenly; instantly he will be broken and there will be no healing. There are six things which the LORD hates, yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that run rapidly to evil, a false witness who utters lies, and one who spreads strife among brothers. My son, observe the commandment of your father and do not forsake the teaching of your mother; bind them continually on your heart; tie them around your neck.

When you walk about, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk to you. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching is light; and reproofs for discipline are the way of life to keep you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress. Do not desire her beauty in your heart, nor let her capture you with her eyelids. For on account of a harlot one is reduced to a loaf of bread, and an adulteress hunts for the precious life. Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned? Or can a man walk on hot coals nd his feet not be scorched? So is the one who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her will not go unpunished. Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy himself when he is hungry; but when he is found, he must repay sevenfold; He must give all the substance of his house. The one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense; He who would destroy himself does it. Wounds and disgrace he will find, and his reproach will not be blotted out. For jealousy enrages a man, and he will not spare in the day of vengeance. He will not accept any ransom, nor will he be satisfied though you give many gifts. Proverbs 6 New American Standard Bible

One struggle I find in applying these passages on wisdom pertains to the fact that I am not always aware of the wisest action in a given situation. Scripture consistently preaches the importance of staying wise, keeping one’s head, but that, like many things, is easier said than done.

I suppose this is where staying in daily contact with God, and prayerfully considering situations as Proverbs instructs comes into play. In my case, the situation granted me several opportunities to behave wisely and I blatantly neglected to do so. Thus I strive to take to heart these lessons concerning wisdom as it relates to emotion. God clearly instructs us to harness our emotions to some extent, and I do not suspect he would ask us to do something he has not given us the capacity to carry out. So, more broadly, God seems to desire emotional responsibility in how we relate to others. swm

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2010-07-06T05:00:00.001-04:00

July 6

Scripture focus: All that my eyes desired I did not refuse them I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart was pleased because of all my labor and this was my reward for all my labor. Ecclesiastes 2:10

These themes of wisdom and responsibility continue in the book of Ecclesiastes. Chapter two speaks to the difficulty of seeking satisfaction through self-indulgence while reminding readers of the importance and the benefits of pleasing God.

During my season of distress, I have taken the time to read and pray and reflect upon what’s really going on with me. I cannot claim that I exerted much effort into pleasing God in any area of life.

However, I find relief in chapter nine of Ecclesiastes where the author writes that there is a time and season for everything. I understand that, in some ways, I have not behaved up to these standards of wisdom seen in scripture.

Although I can’t find much good in myself at the moment, I cannot ignore the gratitude I feel for the temporary nature of my consequences. Time and the support of my community have provided me with a little perspective. This story could have ended up a lot worse; I could have gotten the object of my desire. I suppose that it is common sense to know that time has a way of moving on, but seeing it explicitly written in scripture proves comforting. There is a time and a season for everything... swm

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2010-07-05T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 5

Scripture focus: Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father, and give attention that you may gain understanding, for I give you sound teaching; do not abandon my instruction. When I was a son to my father, tender and the only son in the sight of my mother, then he taught me and said to me, "Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments and live; acquire wisdom! Acquire understanding! Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth. "Do not forsake her, and she will guard you; love her, and she will watch over you. "The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom; and with all your acquiring, get understanding. "Prize her, and she will exalt you; she will honor you if you embrace her. "She will place on your head a garland of grace; she will present you with a crown of beauty." Hear, my son, and accept my sayings and the years of your life will be many. I have directed you in the way of wisdom; I have led you in upright paths. When you walk, your steps will not be impeded; and if you run, you will not stumble. Take hold of instruction; do not let go guard her, for she is your life. Do not enter the path of the wicked and do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it; turn away from it and pass on. For they cannot sleep unless they do evil; and they are robbed of sleep unless they make someone stumble. For they eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence. But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day. The way of the wicked is like darkness; they do not know over what they stumble. My son, give attention to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them depart from your sight; keep them in the midst of your heart. For they are life to those who find them and health to all their body. Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life. Put away from you a deceitful mouth and put devious speech far from you. Let your eyes look directly ahead and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to the left; turn your foot from evil. Proverbs 4

One of the books I read in my class was Song of Solomon. I cannot decide if the Song of Solomon corroborates or contradicts these themes of wisdom and restraint. The book certainly addresses the intoxicating nature of love and its affects. Thus, scripture acknowledges the power of these emotions and keeping them under control would, by connection, prove no easy task.

I’m appreciative that this evocative text was in my syllabus. If not, maybe I would have confused wisdom with stuffing my emotions. Clearly, this is not God’s intent. Here’s what I’m thinking:

* Emotions are powerful and sometimes even addicting.
* Self-control is not easy.
* Powerful emotions are not bad things nor should they be ignored.
* Our emotions are a gift.
* Our emotions must be handled with care.
* I can’t guarantee that my emotions will not rule me, so I need help. swm

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2010-07-04T05:00:00.001-04:00

July 4

Scripture focus: My son, give attention to my wisdom, incline your ear to my understanding; that you may observe discretion and your lips may reserve knowledge. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death, her steps take hold of Sheol. She does not ponder the path of life; her ways are unstable, she does not know it. Now then, my sons, listen to me and do not depart from the words of my mouth. Keep your way far from her and do not go near the door of her house, or you will give your vigor to others and your years to the cruel one; and strangers will be filled with your strength and your hard-earned goods will go to the house of an alien; and you groan at your final end, when your flesh and your body are consumed; and you say, "How I have hated instruction! And my heart spurned reproof! "I have not listened to the voice of my teachers, nor inclined my ear to my instructors! "I was almost in utter ruin in the midst of the assembly and congregation." Drink water from your own cistern and fresh water from your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? 7Let them be yours alone and not for strangers with you.

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love. For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress and embrace the bosom of a foreigner? For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, and He watches all his paths. His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin. He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray. Proverbs 5

Proverbs stresses again and again the importance of staying wise. This does not entail flying through life by the seat of one’s pants only choosing to exert control over situations when it suits one. Granted, in a given situation more than one individual is usually involved. Aren’t our most pressing issues regarding faithfulness about relationships? We all possess unique responsibility and no single person bears an entire relationship’s burdens alone, but as a result of not following this instruction I found myself “caught in the toils of [my] sin.” Proverbs 5:23 NRSV.

Where do we turn when caught? That question is pivotal and worth adding to our list of things to consider when we find ourselves in a stew pot. swm

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2010-07-03T05:00:00.001-04:00

July 3

Scripture focus: My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments; for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:1-8

During the season of my discontent, I attended a lecture on “How to Stay Faithful”. That lecture hit me like a ton of bricks (or feathers, I suppose). I had not acted wisely or responsibly and I have subsequently spent much time examining the wisdom section of the writings in an effort to sort through this mess that I got myself into. I found myself trying to live with the tension of knowing I had allowed my emotions to overwhelm me despite the fact that God has provided resources to prevent such behavior.

While Proverbs 1-9 discusses sexual faithfulness, I believe that there exist themes and wisdom which can be gleaned from these passages and applied to any situation that requires faithfulness. (And what situation does not? In both large and small things, aren’t we called to be faithful?)

The first part of chapter three, verses 1-12, instruct readers to cling to loyalty and faithfulness and to trust in Yahweh (Yahweh is the Old Testament word used to specifically describe the God of Israel, and no other gods with a small g).

I do not think that my behavior during this time aligned with a person steadfastly devoted to trusting in Yahweh. Further, I did not “Keep [my] heart with all vigilance…” as 4:23 instructs. This verse presumes a certain amount of control over one’s emotions. As a fairly emotional person, I often feel powerless in this area.

But as my mom often says, powerless and taking personal responsibility for one’s choices are two different issues. Unfortunately, even my mom’s oft drilled words of advice proved unhelpful to me in the circumstances I found myself in. Still, I did have a vague sense that I had lessons to learn. swm

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2010-07-02T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 2

Scripture focus: My son, if you will receive my words and treasure my commandments within you, make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding; for if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding; if you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the LORD and discover the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice, and He preserves the way of His godly ones. Then you will discern righteousness and justice and equity and every good course. for wisdom will enter your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will guard you, understanding will watch over you, to deliver you from the way of evil, from the man who speaks perverse things; from those who leave the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness; who delight in doing evil and rejoice in the perversity of evil; whose paths are crooked, and who are devious in their ways; to deliver you from the strange woman, from the adulteress who flatters with her words; that leaves the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God; for her house sinks down to death and her tracks lead to the dead; none who go to her return again, nor do they reach the paths of life. So you will walk in the way of good men and keep to the paths of the righteous. For the upright will live in the land and the blameless will remain in it; but the wicked will be cut off from the land and the treacherous will be uprooted from it. Proverbs 2

I found myself in a situation in these past five months of which I am not proud. I suppose that I have always viewed myself as a virtuous person. My parents raised me within the context of a church community and I have always (more or less) acted accordingly. When I say this I merely mean that I was a well-behaved youth, mostly acting with integrity. In December, I met a girl with a boyfriend and we became close friends. A few weeks later, she became engaged. A few weeks after that, she ended her engagement because I expressed feelings for her. My primary issue stems from what happened between the engagement and its breaking. As her fiancé lived elsewhere, we essentially started dating, leading to an inappropriate relationship. Some might describe this as an affair, others not. Either way I personally view it as wrong. The finer details of this situation do not seem relevant but it is important to note how quickly these events transpired. Partially because of the speed of the events, our own relationship escalated quickly in its emotional intensity. The relationship lasted a number of months before ultimately meeting its seemingly inevitable conclusion.

“Where was God in all of this?” I have asked myself that question frequently for months. To be honest, I am not entirely sure, though probably not where I thought. Throughout the situations that have provoked my suffering, I perceived, believed, and accepted some things about myself, God and others that are false. This created some “issues” (as you can imagine). One of the things that I have discovered about myself is that I am an emotional guy (not new information but clearly deserving a note of recognition). Sometimes it has seemed as if my emotions (like love or sorrow or fear) are so overwhelming that I become accustomed to treating them like they are an outside agency which exerts its will on me and exists as a force completely out of my control or responsibility. Has this ever happened to you? To be continued...swm

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2010-07-01T05:00:00.000-04:00

July 1

Scripture focus: The proverbs of Solomon the son of David, king of Israel: To know wisdom and instruction, to discern the sayings of understanding, to receive instruction in wise behavior, righteousness, justice and equity; to give prudence to the naive, to the youth knowledge and discretion, a wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel, to understand a proverb and a figure, the words of the wise and their riddles. the fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. Hear, my son, your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching; indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head and ornaments about your neck. My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent. If they say, "Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood, let us ambush the innocent without cause; let us swallow them alive like Sheol, even whole, as those who go down to the pit; we will find all kinds of precious wealth, we will fill our houses with spoil; throw in your lot with us, we shall all have one purse," My son, do not walk in the way with them keep your feet from their path, for their feet run to evil and they hasten to shed blood. Indeed, it is useless to spread the baited net in the sight of any bird; but they lie in wait for their own blood; they ambush their own lives. So are the ways of everyone who gains by violence; it takes away the life of its possessors. Wisdom shouts in the street, she lifts her voice in the square; at the head of the noisy streets she cries out; at the entrance of the gates in the city she utters her sayings: "How long, O naive ones, will you love being simple-minded? And scoffers delight themselves in scoffing and fools hate knowledge? "Turn to my reproof, behold, I will pour out my spirit on you; I will make my words known to you. "Because I called and you refused, I stretched out my hand and no one paid attention; and you neglected all my counsel and did not want my reproof; I will also laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your dread comes, when your dread comes like a storm and your calamity comes like a whirlwind, when distress and anguish come upon you. "Then they will call on me, but I will not answer; they will seek me diligently but they will not find me, because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the LORD. "They would not accept my counsel, they spurned all my reproof. "So they shall eat of the fruit of their own way and be satiated with their own devices. "For the waywardness of the naive will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them. "But he who listens to me shall live securely and will be at ease from the dread of evil." Proverbs 1, New American Standard

For the next few weeks, Scott is giving me a break and writing a series of devotionals that I (his very appreciative mom) find intriguing – and expect you will as well. These excerpts are adapted from a final paper Scott wrote for a class he took at Fuller Seminary, during a season of great personal discontent. t

A variety of life challenges presented themselves over the last few months and a class I took during this time, more than any other resource, offered me a framework for understanding and coping with these issues. In discussing these things I do not wish to whine or narcissistically focus on my problems but instead use them to demonstrate ways in which scripture study and prayer have the capacity to impact real life. I hope these devotionals communicate the link between selections of scripture and my personal life as it pertains to wisdom, prayer, and the nature of God’s presence in the world. I further believe that the self-application of what I learned has broader implications beyond just my personal circumstances. In other words, I pray you find some comfort, even as I have been comforted during the last few months of trials and tribulations – some self-inflicted. swm

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2010-06-30T05:00:00.001-04:00

June 30

Scripture focus: So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. Romans 8:31-39 The Message

If holy God put everything on the line for us, what does that tell us about our response to him?

Have we put everything on the line for him?

When God put everything on the line, he embraced our condition – broken, narcissistic, selfish, prone to attachments and false gods. He didn’t wait for us to ante up and prove that we were worth investing in – he chose to embrace us even though the cost was great.

My kids love to quote a scene out of Seinfeld.

George Costanza says, “God would never let me be successful. He would kill me first. He would never let me be happy.”

Another actor replies, “I thought you didn’t believe in God?”

George says, “I do for the bad things.”

Reply, “Do you hear what you’re saying? God is not out to get you George.”

We must take seriously our false gods and misperceptions. God is on our side; Jesus at this very moment is sticking up for us. May we listen to each other with intentionality, and learn how to love each other in whatever condition we find ourselves or others. But may we never, ever accept our condition as an excuse for giving up on God.

What will we do with this information? Will it alter out thinking, feeling, believing, perceiving selves? Will it change how we work, play, live, love? May it be so!

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2010-06-29T05:00:00.001-04:00

June 29

Scripture focus: So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. Romans 8:31-39 The Message

What do you think?

If we came to believe that we cannot lose with God on our side, what might we be willing to endure, suffer, sacrifice and surrender in order to experience the reality of his presence in our lives?

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2010-06-28T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 28

Scripture focus: So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. Romans 8:31-39 The Message

What does a spiritual life look like?

Certainly there are certain aspects of a structured religious life that have proven timeless. God’s self-revelation is often embraced within the context of community. Historically, God’s people have found value in creating communities joined by faith.
Doctrines of faith, standards of behaving, reliance on Scripture – all have a place in the spiritually-attuned life.
All these things act as means of creating and maintaining conscious contact with God.

But none of these are satisfying if they become addicting.

Are there any spiritual components that you have come to depend on more than God?

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2010-06-26T12:57:00.004-04:00

June 17 (scroll down for June 17 - 27 entries)

Scripture focus: With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that. The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us. Romans 8:1-4 The Message

Yesterday’s devotional concluded like this: Feedback is a good thing; listening to community is a good thing. Living in a reasonable state of calm is a good thing. Prolonged imbalance is a bad thing. Grace helps us find our way back to God, to our center, to a place where sin can no longer dominate our every waking moment.

One think to keep in mind – the brain never completely forgets what it has learned. This is physiological as much as it is about people having really great memories. Addiction is permanent. From a neurological perspective, our cells can never erase the effects of attachment.

Grace must continually flow from God to us. We can’t be healed so much as we invite healing daily from the ravages of addiction.

No matter how Michael, Pete and I resolve the issue of going to concerts in an RV, we will forever have an image implanted in our brains of me cooking on a camp stove. This is not a pretty picture.

God’s grace can free us from the continuous, low-lying black cloud of living in an RV with two dogs and a lot of friends and family, but we must continually invite the Spirit of life in Christ to blow through our cells each and every day.

June 18

Scripture focus: Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored. Romans 8:5-8 The Message

Unhealthy attachment to anything restricts our freedom. God creates us for a life of fullness and freedom. Jesus reminds us in the gospel of John that we were created for an abundant life. The psalmist waxes on eloquently about the goodness of God’s creation – including his design of humankind.

Scripture also recounts the struggle for us to follow God’s call. We are all desperately in need of grace.

Thomas Merton wrote, “There is a natural desire for heaven, for the fruition of God, in us.” (The Sign of Jonas, New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1953, p. 112) He argued that this natural desire is utterly useless unless it is inspired by grace. Maybe so. But I would offer up the following suggestion: our natural longing for God may itself be an expression of grace.

Either way, we are completely responsible for what we do with our longings.

What do you long for?

June 19

Scripture focus: But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he'll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's! Romans 8:9-11 The Message

If our longing for God is natural, then addiction is by definition doubly cruel.

We lose our freedom to choose AND we try to fulfill our longing for God through our own small, petty attachments.

God wants us to live a rich, purposeful life – we desire to achieve success and might be workaholics in the process.

God wants to be in a love relationship with us - we start looking for the perfect lover in human form via Craig’s list.

God wants us to experience the abundant life – we get confused and think that means we need an abundance of things to make us happy.

God wants us to lay down our life for our friends – and we end up hopelessly codependent.

God wants us to have no other gods before him, and in our efforts to love God the best we end up spiritually addicted and become spiritually abusive.

We long for God, but the material world is so very present – it gets confusing.

Do you have any confused/disappointing/freedom-stealing longings?

June 20

Scripture focus: So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him! That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. Romans 8:12-21 The Message

If we long for God but languish in our unhealthy attachments, what are we supposed to do?

What if...God desires love, not attachment, in his relationship to us?

What if...God wants us to love him from a position of freedom, not simply reflex because he wows us with his God-hood and overwhelms our circuitry to the point we don’t really have the freedom to choose?

What if...God actually thinks love, offered in freedom, is expressed when we turn to Him consciously and intentionally, with integrity?

What if...we can only choose God with integrity after we have chosen, painfully, to not allow our attractions to sway us to lesser gods?

What if...we must turn away before we can truly come home?

Michael, Pete and I sit down and have an honest conversation about a summer of Phishing.

* Pete confesses that he was hoping to leverage Michael’s idea so that he could see the ballparks?

* What if Michael confesses that he really doesn’t want quality time with the parental units?

* What if I confess that I took a vow to never use a camp stove and preferred hotels with room service?

* What if Ryan admitted that Phish wasn’t his kind of music and he preferred going to the ballparks with Pete?

* What if the dogs were able to tell us how badly they did not want to ride in an RV with a bunch of humans?

* What if we could tell ourselves and others the truth about what we longed for? And what if others loved us in spite of knowing the truth about our propensity to get attached to all sorts of small things?

June 21

Scripture focus: So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him! That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. Romans 8:12-21 The Message

When we figure out who we really are, it makes sense to come home.

But don’t expect “home” to feel normal.

After years of taking our desires to places that it was never intended to go, we cannot expect “home” to feel like a cozy family gathering in its most idealized form.

So let me offer both a word of warning and encouragement.

As we grow, we must not expect growth to feel comfortable. Don’t let this confuse us. Joyful anticipation deepens, but it isn’t always pleasant.

What uncomfortable forays have you made to find your way back home, only to get side-tracked because it didn’t feel good in the moment?

June 22

Scripture focus: So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him! That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. Romans 8:12-21 The Message

Constance FitzGerald says, “In the process of affective redemption, desire is not suppressed or destroyed, but gradually transferred, purified, transformed, set on fire. We go through the struggles and ambiguities of human desire to integration and personal wholeness.” (FitzGerald, “Impasse and Dark Night,” p.97)

Listen – we go through struggles and ambiguities.

This is normal.

What is not normal:

* Never feeling bad
* Never having doubts
* Never going through trials
* Having an easy life
* Always being happy

I’m asking: is it possible that God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are and we have missed the message of hope and the dream of a calling because we thought it would feel good?

June 23

Scripture focus: So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him! That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. Romans 8:12-21 The Message

Finding our way back home is good news and painful news.

It is good news in that it is a homecoming; it is liberation from slavery; it enables love.

It is painful news in that it is just plain hard; it requires relinquishment; we must let go; we must take risks; we must endure losses that are both real and painful.

May we find our way back home.

June 24

Scripture focus: So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him! That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. Romans 8:12-21 The Message

One of our most difficult concepts to wrestle with is our addiction to our own self-image.

We decide early in our life certain “things” about what it means to be holy, accepted, pleasing, successful, good, bad – whatever we decide to hook our self-image to in an attempt to win approval and status.

This causes us to pose, posture and encourages the development of a false self.

This image can become addicting.

“What’s next, Papa?” ...is a better question than “How does my halo shine today?”

What idealized view of holiness has thrown you off track?

June 25

Scripture focus: All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:22-28 The Message

According to Dr. Gerald May, M. D. ("Addiction and Grace") the opposite of attachment and addiction from a neurological perspective is flexibility. He describes it as a willingness to cling less and accept more surprises in life. He claims that this freedom is a sign of a brain that is willing to register sensation rather than having to be so quick to cling, attach, adapt, habituate.

This flexibility is uncomfortable and exciting. We might need to grieve the loss of our familiar chains.

Our black lab, Max, loves his kennel. Who would think that a cage could be a comfort? A few nights ago we had a terrible storm. We have discovered that even if he runs into his kennel, unless the door is closed, he doesn’t feel safe. The feeling of freedom creates a great deal of anxiety for him when he feels threatened by a storm. The other night during the storm, Max was locked in his kennel and by all appearances seemed calm as a cucumber. We make sure Max is always firmly locked into his kennel on nights when storms are predicted.

Max is completely incapable of reasoning. He has a thing about storms. They freak him out. Shutting him in his kennel puts him at perfect peace. But that doesn’t change the fact that the dog is locked in a box. This doesn’t bother Max.

Being locked in a box should bother us. We are humans, created for deliverance as surely as we are prone to end up in bondage. I pray that we will find our way out of the limits of our own understanding, so that we might arrive in spacious places, where we can join God in living the life he intended for us.

As I have observed my dog under the influence of anxiety, it has occurred to me that we humans aren’t that different from Max. When under stress, we run to that which comforts because it is familiar – even if it is in the form of a cage. Max is very honest with his emotional expressions – we humans are sometimes a bit more...convoluted. It is easy to see in Max his anxiety or his peace. He pants when anxious; he is calm and loving at peace; when he is afraid, he runs off to his kennel; when he feels protective or senses danger, he barks and his hair stands up along his spine.

How willing are we to express our emotions with honesty?

How willing are we to choose to cling less and believe more?

June 26

Scripture focus: God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun. Romans 8:29-30 The Message

Growing up in our salvation will require us to find our security apart from our own brain patterns.

We will experience a greater degree of dependency on the unexplainable mercy of God.

It is possible to spend a lifetime seeking satisfaction in places that will never fulfill our longing for God.

May God help us experience a transformation of desire as we recognize our deepest and truest longings are for Him.

June 27

Scripture focus: So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. Romans 8:31-39 The Message

Jesus, at this very moment, sits in the heavenly realm and is busy about the business of sticking up for us. This is awesome news. While Jesus is busy advocating for us, we’re on earth experiencing trouble, hard times, hatred, hunger, homelessness, bullying, backstabbing, killing and more.

Is this what we thought the life of a disciple would look like?

Surely victory means something different in the kingdom of God than it does to us on earth. In this world, victory usually includes endorsements, trophies and adoring fans. Not so in the kingdom of God.

It is impossible to figure out a way to adapt to the kingdom of God.

It is impossible to bottle freedom or contain love.

If we are going to become “entirely ready” to have God remove our defects of character, we must wrestle with what it means to become entirely willing to trust God.

What is it that you most trust? Would an alien observing your life see your trust in how you live?

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2010-06-16T05:00:00.002-04:00

June 16

Scripture focus: I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. Romans 7:14-25 The Message

Suppose all this conflict leads to a bad case of insomnia, and I decide to take a sedative to get some sleep. The first time I try a sedative, it immediately works – reinforcing my belief that sleeping pills are a solution to my problem (if I’ve identified my problem as sleeplessness).

My cells quickly habituate to them, however, and soon they are less sensitive and responsive to the pill. Soon, I’m taking a couple of pills – I’ve developed tolerance.

Eventually more cells are damaged, and soon the whole system must adapt. Cells that used to know how to go to sleep are less capable than they were before you took the first pill. The cells now go completely wacko. It rebounds by getting completely excitable. All those adapted cells are screaming for a return to their new normal. Something is terribly wrong, and they want you to fix it. Agitation increases. The gauntlet is thrown down, the war is on.

The only way for Pete, Michael and I to resolve our issue is to return to the beginning and start over. We must calm down, gather together and get the facts straight. We must be gracious, patient and kind. We must be good listeners. This is the way out of chaos, and sets things

right in a life of contradictions where I want to serve God, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. How did this happen? When feedback failed, the system broke down completely. Whether we’re talking about chemical addictions, or relationships, the same kind of systems that help brains function or fail, operate in daily life as well.

Feedback is a good thing; listening to community is a good thing. Living in a reasonable state of calm is a good thing. Prolonged imbalance is a bad thing. Grace helps us find our way back to God, to our center, to a place where sin can no longer dominate our every waking moment.

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2010-06-15T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 15

Scripture focus: I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. Romans 7:14-25 The Message

When neither feedback nor habituation restore balance to the system, adaptation occurs. This is another way to say attachment/addiction is forming. If the brain can’t calm the cells down, all the cells eventually give up and join in the fray. Suppose Pete and I had not been able to calm ourselves down, and the discussion moved out into the den. Michael is sitting watching a game with his friends.

I say, “I can’t believe you thought it was a good idea to let these kids go off in an RV without adult supervision.”

Pete responds, “I didn’t say that!”

Michael, seeing a good opportunity slip away like a triple scoop ice cream cone on a hot summer day chimes up, “You did to! You said we could go to Phish Concerts and baseball parks!”

Pete pauses. He did say that. But the pause provides an opening, and Ryan pipes up, “Hey, can I go? I want to go to the baseball parks too! Can my dad join us? What about my sister? My mom could cook on a camp stove!”

The whole discussion is getting way out of hand. If this continues for long, all of us are going to get so accustomed to chaos and yelling, shouting and hollering, that this will become our new normal. We’ll get so attached to the chaos and calamity that soon we won’t remember a day when we could calm down, pause to prepare, collaborate and come to a reasonable agreement on anything. We will have a family
system, addicted to chaos.

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2010-06-14T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 14

Scripture focus: I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. Romans 7:14-25 The Message

Habituation does not mean forming a habit. Habituation is the neurological cause of tolerance. Basically, it means that the cells become less sensitive and responsive to repeated stimuli. This can happen when the brain basically hangs up the phone, refusing to take the call from repetitive cells trying to get attention. If this goes on too long, the nerve cells actually start to destroy their own receptors!

Pete works at home. He emphasizes “work”; the children and I like to focus on “at home”. When the kids were young, they would run into his office for various things they thought were important – come play ball, fix my lego, open my juice box, tie my shoe, come watch tv... He got into the habit of turning around when the door opened and holding up his hand, signaling – STOP!

If I had charged into his office to discuss the summer plans, feedback may not have ever occurred if I had violated the boundary between work and home too often. Pete would have been habituated to signaling – STOP! He would not have heard my cry of distress or responded to my need for feedback.

Michael might have a rental agreement with the local RV store signed, sealed and delivered before Pete and I could find a moment to talk this issue through.

That’s why so many addicts find themselves completed taken off-guard when their bosses fire them, their spouses leave them, and their dog runs off with a pack of other dogs. Signals are missed, balance is off-kilter, clues go undiscovered. Eventually, hopefully, the person in distress has a moment of clarity. Like Paul in the book of Romans, they want to know how in the world things got so bad. It’s called habituation – like feedback, it’s trying to keep things in balance.

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2010-06-13T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 13

Scripture focus: I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. Romans 7:14-25 The Message

Balance and equilibrium are crucial for healthy brain functioning. This depends upon the delicate dance that takes place among chemicals, cells and systems of cells. Nerve cells are never isolated, their interconnections are legendary. One cell shifts and its whole entire local group shifts too. These changes affect the larger systems of the brain, and the brain then impacts the body. When balance is disturbed, the outcome is stress.

After Michael launches into his proposal for a summer of concerts, my brain is immediately stressed. Three basic things are about to happen in an attempt to maintain and regain balance: feedback, habituation, and adaptation. Feedback is the first response against stress. There are three kinds of feedback: excited cells are told to calm down, under-reactive cells are told to get moving, and healthy happy cells may be encouraged to continue their balanced ways. Suppose I take my very excited cell into Pete’s (my husband and the alleged co-conspirator in this summer of madness plan) office, calmly close the door and hiss into his ear, “Are you crazy? Did you tell Michael it was ok for him to rent a string of RV’s and bring all his buddies and their girlfriends on a summer expedition to Phish concerts?”

Pete might respond by providing feedback in one of three ways:

1. “Calm down! I did no such thing!”

2. “I’m not crazy, you’re the crazy one! I didn’t put him up to this! Where did you get your information? Boy am I mad at you! You never get the story straight!”

3. “Whoa! Honey, I’d love to stop working and spend hours chatting with you about this. How about if we go out and grab a cup of really expensive coffee and talk this through?”

The most effective action usually involves some form of calming (1 or 3) when a cell (me) gets all charged up. If ineffective communication happens, it increases the stress. Sin’s prison (addiction) totally messes up this system. When that happens, the brain is forced to try habituation as a coping strategy.

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2010-06-12T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 12

Scripture focus: I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. Romans 7:14-25 The Message

Continued from yesterday...

As the “cells” in our colony converse, all sorts of interactions, experiences and behaviors emerge. Thoughts, feelings, sensation, memories are contained in a vast array of neuro-chemical communications. Electrochemical energies run along the bodies and fibers of nerve cells, cross synapses (the little spaces between the cells), releasing and inhibiting all sorts of chemicals. Each response creates a reaction. The possibility for communication are almost infinite. Addiction mucks up this system. It’s so complicated that we can’t do it justice, but we must try. Because how our brain processes matters.

It also matters how families communicate.

When Michael shares his vision for a summer in an RV with his guy friends following Phish to and fro, my brain lights up like the annual Christmas tree lighting at Rockefeller Center. What was his father thinking? Fortunately, we’ve been a family long enough that this isn’t the first time our cells have bumped up against each other in uncomfortable ways. We have some guidelines to direct us in moments like this….those times when I want to strangle the father of my children. First, I breathe. I breathe deeply, slowly, and repetitively. Second, I pause to prepare. I think, “Could there be more to the story than I know? Who should I ask for clarification?” These are pretty decent questions and have probably kept me out of the electric chair. An addicted family system when faced with a proverbial light show of excitement in the brain does not have the resources to pause, think, strategize, gather information, breathe or anything else deliberate. Addicted families react, usually to someone’s detriment. More on why this is more about chemistry than character tomorrow.

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2010-06-11T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 11

Scripture focus: I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. Romans 7:14-25 The Message

The brain is one heck of a complicated system. It is made up of cells (that live in colonies), neurotransmitters that help cells chat with each other, and a bunch of other really complicated stuff. Not only do cells talk – they give each other feedback! Who knew? This feedback affects the cells that sent the messages initially and changes the message that will continue on to future cells that weren’t in on the initial conversation. It kind of reminds me of how families talk.

Michael (our son) decided that it was a great idea to see how many Phish concerts he could attend in his lifetime. Michael is no dummy. So he took his “cell” and headed off to have a conversation with the daddy cell in our colony. This was an intentional conversation. He could have come to me, the mommy cell, but I have a history of liking to keep my kids close to home base. Michael’s dad loves concerts. But Michael’s dad also loves me. That’s the background, now here’s the conversation.

“Dad, what do you think about me seeing how many Phish concerts I can attend in my lifetime? Do you think that’s a worthy life mission?”

“Wow! That sounds like fun! We could rent an RV, go to Phish concerts at night and visit all the baseball stadiums during the day. We could make it a family vacation. Your sister could take a leave from her job. Your brother could quit seminary! We could bring the dogs. Your mom could cook our meals on a camp stove!”

Michael pauses to prepare. “Well, we could...” And he walks off to find me.

“Mom, Dad said he totally agrees with me that I should go to all the Phish concerts I can possibly attend in my lifetime. He says that it’s a worthy cause, and that I can rent an RV with Ryan and David and travel the country all summer. He says it sounds like fun!”

To be continued...

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2010-06-10T05:00:00.001-04:00

June 10

Scripture focus: I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. Romans 7:14-25 The Message

“A mind is a system of ideas, each with the excitement it arouses, and with tendencies impulsive and inhibitive, which mutually check or reinforce one another.” William James

Gerald May wrote, “According to Genesis, our human spirit is the breath of God in us. If so, it not only gives us the life we have but also calls us toward a more perfect and whole life, a life of growing freedom and love. Thus the human spirit is the source of our yearning as well as of our very life.” (Addiction and Grace, p.65)

In the next few devotionals we’re going to learn more about the neurology of the addictive process. But first, a word of caution. It is a good thing to acquire knowledge, but expecting knowledge to offer us salvation reminds me of wise teaching from the “Big Book” of AA. In it, someone has written that an expectation is a resentment waiting for an opportunity to arise.

The physiology of addiction is intriguing and interesting and instructive – but it is as mysterious as the grace of God that saves us. It helps me to stay focused in a healthy way to remember that all this complexity is a reflection of our Creator God.

Now, about the brain...

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2010-06-09T05:00:00.001-04:00

June 9

Scripture focus: But I can hear you say, "If the law code was as bad as all that, it's no better than sin itself." That's certainly not true. The law code had a perfectly legitimate function. Without its clear guidelines for right and wrong, moral behavior would be mostly guesswork. Apart from the succinct, surgical command, "You shall not covet," I could have dressed covetousness up to look like a virtue and ruined my life with it. Don't you remember how it was? I do, perfectly well. The law code started out as an excellent piece of work. What happened, though, was that sin found a way to pervert the command into a temptation, making a piece of "forbidden fruit" out of it. The law code, instead of being used to guide me, was used to seduce me. Without all the paraphernalia of the law code, sin looked pretty dull and lifeless, and I went along without paying much attention to it. But once sin got its hands on the law code and decked itself out in all that finery, I was fooled, and fell for it. The very command that was supposed to guide me into life was cleverly used to trip me up, throwing me headlong. So sin was plenty alive, and I was stone dead. But the law code itself is God's good and common sense, each command sane and holy counsel. I can already hear your next question: "Does that mean I can't even trust what is good [that is, the law]? Is good just as dangerous as evil?" No again! Sin simply did what sin is so famous for doing: using the good as a cover to tempt me to do what would finally destroy me. By hiding within God's good commandment, sin did far more mischief than it could ever have accomplished on its own. Romans 7:7-13 The Message

Almost every day I go to a particular store in my neighborhood for milk or bread or some basic food item. I run in and run out. This is not a deeply spiritual experience, it’s just a thing I do. Until recently, when this store (under new management) began hanging all sorts of signs, instructing me on what is and what is not appropriate behavior. “Please do not touch the display.” “If you break it, you buy it.” “Please do not get finger prints on the glass.” In the decades of daily shopping that I have experienced in this store, I do not think I ever touched a display, broken anything or touched the glass….but boy do I want to now! It’s torture to shop. Every display calls out to me, “Touch me!

Just once! They aren’t the boss of you!” On and on it goes, temptation upon temptation to touch, break, and leave my mark – one perfectly placed finger print. I suppose these warnings serve a purpose that benefit someone. But it feels as if someone is daring to limit my freedom – and I don’t like limits! Certainly codes are valuable in guiding us through life. Can you imagine a community without guidelines? But I don’t like guidelines, I like to make my own rules. Didn’t I behave find before the post-it-note-police showed up?

What the law is powerless to accomplish – get me to behave – grace has overcome. I choose to not touch or break because it is an appropriate way to care for my store and those who work in it. Grace provides me a perspective larger than my own. I am no longer limited to a viewpoint restricted by self-interest and feeling good. This is pretty powerful stuff. I can’t guarantee tomorrow, but I can report that for today, I have avoided my natural inclination to prove that no one is the boss of me, and instead, give consideration to the effort it would take to remove all those little finger prints left behind by me and all my friends.

Grace does a much better job of helping me love God and others than little notes and dire warnings. May your day be Grace-filled.

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2010-06-08T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 8

Scripture focus: But I can hear you say, "If the law code was as bad as all that, it's no better than sin itself." That's certainly not true. The law code had a perfectly legitimate function. Without its clear guidelines for right and wrong, moral behavior would be mostly guesswork. Apart from the succinct, surgical command, "You shall not covet," I could have dressed covetousness up to look like a virtue and ruined my life with it. Don't you remember how it was? I do, perfectly well. The law code started out as an excellent piece of work. What happened, though, was that sin found a way to pervert the command into a temptation, making a piece of "forbidden fruit" out of it. The law code, instead of being used to guide me, was used to seduce me. Without all the paraphernalia of the law code, sin looked pretty dull and lifeless, and I went along without paying much attention to it. But once sin got its hands on the law code and decked itself out in all that finery, I was fooled, and fell for it. The very command that was supposed to guide me into life was cleverly used to trip me up, throwing me headlong. So sin was plenty alive, and I was stone dead. But the law code itself is God's good and common sense, each command sane and holy counsel. I can already hear your next question: "Does that mean I can't even trust what is good [that is, the law]? Is good just as dangerous as evil?" No again! Sin simply did what sin is so famous for doing: using the good as a cover to tempt me to do what would finally destroy me. By hiding within God's good commandment, sin did far more mischief than it could ever have accomplished on its own. Romans 7:7-13 The Message

Addiction is catching. Take note of yesterday’s devotional. When the husband called to ask a talk show host whether or not he should let his alcoholic wife return home, did you notice the problem? Here is a man who has been living with the devastating effects of a spouse’s addiction, and he needs to call and ask Dr. Laura if a week sober is enough time to forgive and forget (emphasis on forget)? I think that sounds kind of crazy.

Collusion is the term for what happens when friends, family, work buddies and even professional helpers actually aid and abet the addict’s need to use. This behavior is what has popularly been termed codependency. Collusion, literally, happens to the best of people – the most sensitive, compassionate, sympathetic, and loving members of the community are most prone to collusion.

I listened to a recent caller tell me how she spent years in a therapist’s office trying to get to the root of her addiction. When the therapist went out on maternity leave, she was assigned a new counselor – who promptly advised her to go to rehab. By the grace of God, her trip to rehab was a big step toward sobriety. Now she’s back in therapy, and seems to be making great strides at understanding some of the maladaptive coping strategies that contributed to her addiction issues.

Was Counselor A wrong and Counselor B right? Not necessarily – it’s not really about right or wrong. Counselor A knew that this client had some underlying “issues” that needed addressing. However, Counselor B believed that everything goes better if the person in therapy is sober. Interestingly enough, when Counselor A returned to her duties, she was most agitated to find that her client had been to treatment and was working a recovery program. That’s a puzzler, but again, not the point.

I would offer up the following suggestion. Instead of judging the process, can we thank God for the grace that enabled this woman to find her freedom? Grace flowed through community, and eventually the confusion cleared. One more alcoholic discovered that she could have life, and live it abundantly.

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2010-06-07T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 7

Scripture focus: So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God. Romans 7:4-6 The Message

Addiction creates an environment of resistance to change that is rich with paradox.

One the one hand, when each of us comes face-to-face with our addictions of choice, we try and fail multiple times in our quest for freedom.

It’s easy to believe the line, “I can’t handle it.”

Conversely, if we manage to succeed for a short time, we think, “I can do this!”

I was driving in my car listening to the Dr. Laura show when a caller asked the following question. “Dr. Laura, my alcoholic wife wants to know when she can come home? I drew the line and told her she couldn’t continue to live with me and drink, so she chose to drink and moved out of our house. Now she’s stopped drinking and is ready to move back home. I am feeling ambivalent about taking her back.”

“How long has she been sober?” Dr. Laura asked.

“One week.” He replied.

“Well, after she’s been sober five years, tell her you’ll be most happy to have a conversation about her moving back home. In the meantime, continue to get counseling, talk with her, work on your issues both separately and as a couple. But you need to know that she can sustain recovery before you hastily invite her back into the family home.”

The duplicitous and scandalous tactics that the brain uses to keep an addict in bondage to their addiction is so extensive that freedom is a journey involving many steps. May we offer grace to ourselves and others as we patiently seek God’s healing power.

Dr. Laura was, I think, trying to give this husband a picture of the systemic and sneaky ways addiction tries to call the shots. One week isn’t enough time to insure that a victory dance is in order.

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2010-06-06T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 6

Scripture focus: So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God. Romans 7:4-6 The Message

The problem with addiction is that it doesn’t satisfy. C. S. Lewis said, "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." That’s a great quote.

But sometimes, when we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, we must accept the fact that we’ve messed up the pleasure center of our brain by behaving addictively. (See our video on the physiology of addiction at www.northstarcommunity.com/special for a more detailed explanation.)

When we get to this point, we begin to get a clue that we must change, stop, increase our commitment to self-discipline, etc. But the crafty, addicted brain will try to talk us out of this perspective. Here are some common ways of thinking that might indicate we’re at the end of our rope with an addiction:

* I need to stop, but now is not a good time.
* I will stop, but not right now. I’m going to do more research and figure out how to stop, then I’ll begin stopping.
* I’ll wait to stop until conditions are more favorable. No need starting when there’s too much pressure.
* I’m too tired/sick/hungry to stop today.
* The next time I have a bad consequence, I’m going to stop.
* I’ll stop after my spouse stops bugging me.

“If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come." - C.S. Lewis

Lewis may be right, but the addicted brain hopes for unfavorable conditions because the bottom line is this: addictions call the shots, shackling us to a domineering sin master.

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2010-06-05T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 5

Scripture focus: So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God. Romans 7:4-6 The Message

When all else fails, we start hiding.

Denial, repression, rationalization – none of them stop. But inevitably neither can they hide the truth. This is when sin goes underground and starts hiding.

I have a principle that I try to live by to the best of my ability. I try to live with nothing hidden. This idea took formation in my brain when I got pregnant for the first time. My husband and I decided that we never wanted to put ourselves in a position of never being tempted to lie to our children. We wanted to live with nothing hidden.

This has been exceedingly liberating. Oftentimes a discussion is quickly cut off by asking the first question, “If I make this decision, am I ok when (not if) my children find out?” If I can say, “Yeah, I wouldn’t blush or hesitate to talk about this decision and subsequent action over with my kids” then I proceed to the next set of questions. But anytime I hesitate, prevaricate, hope my kids don’t notice – I’m in trouble. Bill Thrall and his team at TrueFaced have defined holiness as living with nothing hidden. I like that. Is there anything in your life – no matter how small – that you feel the need to hide from someone? Look, if you think the behavior is acceptable, then there should be no internal urge to keep it hidden. It is that simple.

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2010-06-04T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 4

Scripture focus: So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God. Romans 7:4-6 The Message

Eventually, in spite of our best efforts, our addictions can no longer be repressed or denied. But have no fear – there are more tools in our belt to avoid solving the problem. We can rationalize, make excuses, and attempt to justify our shackles. Although others might call us “liars” – what’s really going on is a vain attempt to convince ourselves that if we have a problem, it certainly cannot be related to our addiction. This is like wearing prison cuffs and calling them cool designer accessories.

Why all this elaborate meandering away from the truth? Because when we are addicted, our driving motivation is always the desire to continue “using.” This increases our internal distress and alienation from self. There is a heavy price to pay for losing touch with our true selves.

Are you in a restful state, or a state of restlessness? Could it be that there is a dependency that is unidentified that is having its way with you?

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2010-06-03T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 3

Scripture focus: So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God. Romans 7:4-6 The Message

Continued from yesterday’s devotional...

Suppose you indeed made a really bad deal and bought a house in a slum rather than a palatial mansion by the sea next to celebrities. First, you wouldn’t want to believe you could make such a silly decision. Slowly, the evidence begins to mount. Jennifer Aniston and Denzel Washington are never seen entering the neighborhood, but the cops regularly haul people off in patty wagons from the crack house next door. Women of “ill repute” stand around on the corners, trying to sell their wares, and your friends keep trying to convince you that these are not celebrities but working girls. There are drive-by shootings, and needles left in the alley beside your garage. But you keep telling yourself that this is not an at-risk neighborhood, but is a celebrity haven by the sea. This is called repression. Somewhere down deep in your gut, you know you’re living in a dangerous neighborhood, but you expend tons of energy to repress the facts. This requires you to become increasingly uncomfortable. You either have to dull your mind or distract yourself so that you can’t acquire any conscious realizations. This is exhausting.

Are you deliberately keeping yourself super busy?

Do you find yourself uncomfortable with meditation, prayer, quiet times of reflection?

Do you feel alienated from yourself?

Is it possible that you are moving from the land of denial to la la land – otherwise known as repression?

If so, it’s possible that you are not going around doing whatever the heck you want, but instead, sin is calling all the shots in your life, hemming you in.

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2010-06-02T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 2

Scripture focus: So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God. Romans 7:4-6 The Message

Denial is a strategy that our mind (mid-brain) employees in an attempt to allow sin to call most of the shots in our life.

What is denial? It is the process whereby the conscious mind studiously ignores or rejects any clues that something is wrong.

When we live in denial we...

* Do not recognize that a problem exists (even though others think differently).
* Do not want to think about the possibility of a problem existing.
* Do not see any reason to listen, consider, or think about the possibility that a problem might exist.

This costs us a lot of energy; it’s emotionally, psychologically and spiritually expensive to live in the land of denial. Think of it like this. Living in the land of denial is like buying a piece of property in a slum for a fee that is charged for the most exclusive, expensive, prime piece of real estate in the world...and then, trying to convince yourself that you got a good deal.

Can you imagine how uncomfortable you would feel if you bought a house thinking you were going to live on the same street as Jennifer Aniston and Denzel Washington, only to discover that your house was right smack between a crack house and a brothel?

Could you live restfully with yourself after making a deal like that?

To be continued...

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2010-06-01T05:00:00.000-04:00

June 1

Scripture focus: So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated

way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God. Romans 7:4-6 The Message

Most of us – if we are willing to speak honestly – are familiar with “sin calling most of the shots.” In fact, isn’t it the struggle between the desires of our true, God-created selves and our inconsistent behaving that really knocks our socks off – in a bad way? What is terrible – for me at least – is the awareness that sin is calling more shots in my life than I am. That’s yukky.

Clearly, those of us who have made a decision to “believe” don’t like it when sin calls the shots.

So what’s up with that? More on that in the days ahead…

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2010-05-30T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 30

Scripture focus:

1 And God spoke all these words:

2 "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

3 "You shall have no other gods before me.

4 "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments.

7 "You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.

8 "Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. 9 Six days you shall labor and do all your work, 10 but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. 11 For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

12 "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

13 "You shall not murder.

14 "You shall not commit adultery.

15 "You shall not steal.

16 "You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

17 "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

18 When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance 19 and said to Moses, "Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die." Exodus 20:1-19 NIV

Why is it that we are so willing to fear and distance ourselves from a God who comes to save, redeem and transform and so reluctant to run from that which has come to kill, steal and destroy?

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2010-05-29T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 29

Scripture focus: Tu n'auras pas d'autre dieu que moi. Exodus 20:3, La Bible du Semeur

As many regular readers know, my mother-in-law recently died. We were given the grand gift of a week to say good-bye. One Saturday we took her to the hospital because she thought she had bronchitis, and the next day she was dealing with a rapid growing cancer in her chest. This sounds like a terrible thing, and for us, it is. We miss her terribly.

But the gift of the six days between diagnosis and death was grace-filled. There was no way we could deceive ourselves or others, deny, repress, rationalize, hide, delay or fail to cope. (All of these are ways we feed the addictive process.)

We simply had no choice but to be fully present for the journey. Our daily presence also taught us that we were incapable of “handling” the situation, and I think this was a great blessing, because each day brought with it a fervent prayer for God’s presence and his peace. He graciously provide each of us with an awareness of both.

Here’s what I learned. I learned that life without dependencies is blessed. When stripped to the essence of the fragility of life, we discovered that God remained fully present and available to meet our every need, according to his riches in glory.

Weeks later, I cannot remain in this fully present state, unfortunately. Petty life issues distract me. But I have renewed hope for the wonder of loving God and others. And it is this experience that spurs me on to learn more fully what it means to have tiny gods, and pray more trustingly for them to be removed from my heart.

May God lead us all into his wonderful light.

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2010-05-28T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 28

Scripture focus: No tengas otros dioses además de mí. Exodus 20:3 Nueva Version Internacional

According to Sigmund Freud, addiction tears us asunder, one part of us desires freedom and another wants only to continue the addictive behavior and erodes self-esteem.

I can’t speak with any authority on the nature of self-esteem, but I have experienced the hopelessness that arises within me when I am consistently inconsistent. I fail repeatedly to live in freedom. This kills my self-respect. I have no idea what it does to my self-esteem!

There was a day when this inability to manage self was considered part of the human condition, a reason to turn to God, and ask for mercy and grace. Today it’s considered a sign of weakness. Aren’t we supposed to be able to achieve anything we set our minds to achieve?

My friend who is Catholic tells me that some people, worried about the concept of self-esteem, decided to remove the word “wretched” from the hymn Amazing Grace. I was so stunned I forgot to ask her what they replaced it with. My mind immediately spun to all those attempts to clean up foul-language in movies with bad voice-overs. (My kids always loved to read the lips – which I think totally defeats the purpose of the movie “enhancements.”)

Here’s the deal, in any language, we are wretched at not having other gods before GOD and yet, we were created to find our way back to Him. This is a conundrum. It leaves us feeling wretched. Whether this truth causes a bruise to our self-esteem or self-respect – it’s the truth.

We will never be as fulfilled as the moment when we have no other gods before GOD.

Lord, fill us with the grace and mercy to love you.

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2010-05-27T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 27

Scripture focus: Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Said God in Exodus 20:3, King James Version

There is one really good thing about addiction. It can chip away at our pride and make room for an openness to grace. It helps me hug my friend who struggles with whether or not to stick a needle in her arm without an ounce of judgment.

After all, I love my Brie more than broccoli.

I pray that you do not think I am being flip. I am dead serious.

I often recall the story of the guy who came to pray and thanked God that he was not one of those “sorry people.” Jesus wasn’t too happy with him.

So what delights you?

Are there any “dependencies” that you have minimized, discounted, and rationalized?

Have you looked around at “those people” and felt superior, safe and proud?

Has an opportunity arisen lately when you have started a sentence with, “At least I don’t…”

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2010-05-26T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 26

Scripture focus: You shall have no other gods before or besides Me. (Said God in Exodus 20:3) Amplified version

At NorthStar Community and countless other faith communities, people show up knowing that everyone in attendance has a shared core identity – we’re human. We have dependencies. We have addictions. We lust. We have other gods.

“Hey, I saw you on tv, right?” He asks with an air of certainty that means I have to carefully consider whether or not a minister should lie in such an obvious manner.

“Maybe.” I hedge.

“Well, I sure am glad I ran into you. Because I want you to know that I think all you religious nuts are a bunch of hypocrites.”

I sigh with relief. Usually guys like this tell me I look fatter on tv than in real life. This never feels like a compliment, which I am sure is exactly as intended by the anonymous speaker. All this guy is doing is calling me a hypocrite – no big deal!

I nod an assent and keep walking. I don’t know this angry man, and I owe him no explanations. But he certainly got me thinking. I’ve grown accustomed to believing that we are, indeed, all hypocrites. Lately I’ve been rethinking my assumptions on a lot of things, and this issue has come up as a possible growth opportunity for me.

A hypocrite is a person who pretends they are something that they are not. If I said I preferred broccoli over Brie, I’d be a hypocrite. If I acknowledge the truth that I prefer Brie to broccoli, and go on to clarify that I choose to eat more broccoli than Brie as a part of a commitment to healthy eating – that is telling the truth – most of the time. Once in awhile, I am going to sit down and eat Brie without a single stalk of broccoli. I may eat it with crackers or toast. I may eat it as an appetizer, main dish, and dessert. I may remember to peel off the white rind or I may forget in my haste to nosh on the tasty Brie and eat it covering and all. This does not make me a hypocrite; it makes me inconsistent.

Inconsistency is different than hypocrisy. Hypocrisy leaves no room for holiness (if we define holiness as living with nothing hidden). Inconsistency provides us the opportunity to work toward a goal of increased consistency. It is also something we must hope and wait for. The awareness of grace provides us with a reason to never give up and never give in – even if we feel as if we are at the end of our rope.

Paul says the same thing only better in the book of Romans, when he reminds us that from the beginning, all creation has groaned in one great act of giving birth…we are all waiting for freedom. We wait patiently because we believe. We believe not in our own ability to be consistent, but in the One who dispenses grace lavishly. No matter where your treasure lies, have hope.

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2010-05-25T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 25

Scripture focus: “No other gods, only me.” (Said God in Exodus 20:3.) The Message

Would it be good to be attractively addicted to some things ( children, chocolate, cleanliness, reading, punctuality, work, weight, winning, self-image, music, movies, money, memories, potato chips) and aversionally addicted to bad stuff (anger, bridges, spiders, germs)? After all, doesn’t it seem worse to be an alcoholic than a compulsive hand washer? Did anyone ever die from too clean hands?

Truly, addiction may have degrees of destruction. But ask a ten year old how it feels to not be able to stop scrubbing their hands with a bristle brush and Clorox…it hurts. All addictions impede freedom and diminish our ability to delight in life. There is not one single benefit to an addiction of any kind.

Here’s a crazy hypothetical. Suppose a person is addicted to approval. In an effort to receive that approval, they learn through experience that people really appreciate good deeds more than bad behaving. So instead of going out with the boys every night of the week and having a party, the approval addict starts volunteering at a homeless shelter. This wins him/her lots of approval. In fact, the approval is so attractive that he/she begins to not only show up to serve food, he/she starts bringing food, paying for the electricity to run the shelter and renovates the bathrooms. The homeless community benefits from the addiction of this approval junkie. How can this be a bad thing?

The short term benefit to the clients is undeniable, but not necessarily sustainable. What if this approval addict finds something else that turns heads and results in spontaneous clapping? He/she will move on to the next thing. Then who is going to fund the place, tote the lasagna, clean the utensils?

Of course, this is all nonsensical, because in reality all of us suffer from an attachment to something or other – large or small, healthy or dangerous. But people interested in finding the life God intended for them must learn to live with nothing hidden.

The heroin addict and the approval junkie have something in common. Both are in need of God’s grace.

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2010-05-24T22:37:00.000-04:00

May 24

Scripture focus: “You shall have no other gods before me.” (Said God in Exodus 20:3.) NIV

I was trotting along on my favorite treadmill this week when some guy showed extreme irritation at my presence. He huffed and puffed and paced around the machine. At first I thought, what’s this guy’s deal? Is he afraid he can’t keep up? Then I returned from the imaginary land of denial and asked for clarification.

“Is there a problem? Can I help you?” I asked.

“Yeah, how long are you going to be on MY machine?” He answered.

“I’m sorry Sir, I didn’t realize this machine had your name on it. I will hop off immediately. I live to serve you and make you happy.” Just kidding. I said no such thing!

“I’ve got twenty more minutes.” The real me said.

“Sheesh! I haven’t got all day!” He fumed.

“No worries! I’m old, I can’t run all day.” I admit it; I did say that.

Upon reflection, I realized that I had shown up for my daily run at a time that I am normally having my quiet time. This guy probably wakes up early every morning and arrives at the gym when it is deserted. He takes this treadmill each and every morning on a run. Today, I foiled his plans.

On any given day of the week, I am usually on this – my treadmill – at a different, equally tranquil time of day. If he had shown up at my traditional time slot and hopped on MY machine, I would have been annoyed. Evidently, both of us are addicted to our routines.

Our dependencies help us find out who really is god to us. Are some addictions bad and others innocuous? I don’t think so. More on this tomorrow.

In the meantime, maybe today will reveal a treasure/god that you hold onto too tightly. If so, tomorrow’s devotional discussion might prove of interest.

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2010-05-22T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 22

Scripture focus: “This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is." John 3:19-21 The Message

The fifth sign of addiction is distortion of attention, when we discover that our time and attention gets out of whack and inconsistent with our priorities.

__What captures my attention?

__Is there a “thing” that steals time from my loving relationships?

Remember that the mind is a tricky thing. But God’s grace is sufficient. If we tell the truth and open our hands, we make room for grace.

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2010-05-21T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 21

Scripture focus: “This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is." John 3:19-21 The Message

Loss of willpower is another sign of dark living.

__Have I ever made any resolutions to ease the importance of an object in my life, only to return to it?

__Have I ever felt emotionally upset by my ability or inability to keep a resolution?

__Do I feel like I have any compulsions?

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2010-05-20T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 20

Scripture focus: “This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is." John 3:19-21 The Message

Self-deception is another hallmark of addictive living. Basically, the addicted mind is a tricky trickster. Questions to consider:

__Do I make excuses, denials, or play other mind games?

__Do I hide or keep secrets?

__Do I ever do stuff that seems uncharacteristic of me?

__Do I have trouble settling down and taking time for quiet reflection?

Addicted living leaves us fearing painful exposure.

Do you know what you treasure?

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2010-05-19T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 19

Scripture focus: “This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is." John 3:19-21 The Message

Withdrawal symptoms accompany addictive living. They come in two forms: (1). Stress reactions that range from mild uneasiness and irritability to extreme agitation with rapid pulse, tremors and panic. (2). Rebound reactions are symptoms that are the opposite of those caused by the addictive behavior. If I get addicted to headache medicine, and then stop taking it – I will end up with rebound headaches. I believe (illusion) that I have a problem with headaches, but what I really have a problem with is too many meds.

__How do I feel if I think I’m going to lose something I’m attached to?

__How much time, energy and worry do I use up each week trying to hold on to whatever this thing is?

__If I lose this, will I experience a stress reaction?

__Have I ever had symptoms that make me possibly feel that they could be withdrawal symptoms?

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2010-05-18T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 18

Scripture focus: “This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is." John 3:19-21 The Message

If freedom is the ability to love, and God is love, then it makes sense that we must be free to love – even when loving is in contradiction to our desires. Andy Gullahorn is one of my favorite musicians. He’s written a song where the first line says, “Have you ever let your baby cry while you finish your video game?” (I know, trust me, it’s a great song even if it sounds silly.) Andy is illustrating how often our desires – even the small, petty ones – usurp our true, God intended life of love. Silly sounding or not – these decisions to choose dark over light are indicative of addiction. In the next five days, we’re going to answer a series of questions that will help us know if we may be on the road to addiction.

If we’re trying to live life in the darkness, we won’t like these questions. But if we can answer them, knowing that when we disclose our self-centered ways we are really making space for grace – that’s a good start to a great life.

Characteristic one of addictive living is tolerance – always wanting or needing more of something in order to feel satisfied. If one cappuccino per week was a treat, and a few months later, we need one per day – we are developing tolerance. Are you tolerant (in a bad way)?

__ Do I feel secure with what I have in the way of possessions, or do I need more?

__ Do I feel I need more control of my life, more power to feel satisfied?

__ Do I need the people in my life to love me more for me to feel satisfied?

The need for “more” might mean that we are in crisis.

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2010-05-17T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 17

Scripture focus: “This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is." John 3:19-21 The Message

Eventually I finish both my chores and those annoying footnotes. I’m talking to an acquaintance, telling her about my close call with darkness. She thinks I’m over-reacting. “That’s ridiculous,” she says. “You are totally over-analyzing the situation. Stores ought to provide better service than you received. You should have complained to the manager.”

I disagree. Clearly, heroin addicts who steal from grandma’s purse to feed their habit are engaging in dark dwelling behavior. Dateline and 60 Minutes feature tragic tales of evil doers like Bernie Madoff and others who have cruelly treated others. No one argues that this is evil.
But those are simply extremes of the same kind of behavior I engaged in. My impatience robbed me of the compassion and charity I might have experienced much earlier in the transaction if I hadn’t been such a jerk.

Paul Tillich has said that our concerns reveal our God. As I stood at that pharmacy counter, shifting uneasily from foot to foot, aggravated that Ginger was absent and unable to meet my every need in jiffy speed, the only person I cared about was me.

Maybe I am over-reacting. But if so, I pray that I continue to act in such an emotional fashion. Because I believe with all my heart that God loved me enough to show up and give me a great gift – the gift of grace. I can look back on this example and berate myself for my inadequate, terrible defect of character. Or I can think of this incident as a doorway through which the power of grace came running through. God came to my rescue. How cool is that?

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2010-05-16T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 16

Scripture focus: “This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is." John 3:19-21 The Message

Before I headed off to run my errands, I had spent the morning in the gospel of John. Chapter three gripped me. Men and women running for the darkness? How can this be? Don’t we all love the light? I, for one, am interested in pleasing God. I want the truth! I love God light. I long for a reality that is infused with God-light and truth. Who are these numbskulls that practice doing evil and are addicted to denial and illusion? I think this before my run-in with a woman who can’t spell McBean – M-C-B-E-A-N.

This is a problem of crisis proportion.

When I care more about running an errand in less than a New York minute so that I can get back to my oh so special work, you know what I’m doing? I’m running for darkness. I’m not interested in pleasing God. I am practicing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hating God-light, fearing a painful exposure.

As the rookie clerk scurries off for back-up, I’m given the privilege – the grace – the gift of God-light – just in the nick of time. In a flash, my mind returns to John three. I know with clarity that I am in crisis. I have an opportunity to choose. Am I willing to work and live in truth and reality?

The clerk returns, harried and without support. But this time, I am not in a hurry. I am in the middle of a crisis, and grateful for the insight to know that this encounter is a big deal – because it will show me what I truly believe. I have an idea. “Can I write it down for you? Would that help?” Ahh, yes, she nods. Pen in hand, I write, M C B E A N. I take the paper and turn it toward her. She looks down and the light of recognition transforms her worried face. Quickly she bends, reaches into the bin marked “M” and whips out my prescription. Success.

It took longer than I thought it should – and for that I thank God. I’m a slow learner, and I needed the time to understand the opportunity I had been presented. This woman is new to her job. Keeping it may be essential. My work is barely worth doing – involving correcting footnotes and adding a bibliography to a book that maybe four people will actually read. Whether or not I get it fixed, or even right, will not change whether my family will eat tonight. For this elderly woman, back in the workforce without the benefit of a firm grounding in the English language, she’s really working. I thank her for her patience – and mean it. I move away and a gentleman steps up to the counter.

“McPherson,” he says. She glances up at him, puzzled.

“You write down,” she encourages, handing him the pen. She glances at me and smiles, gives a small wave and watches as Mr. McPherson makes it easy for her to find that pesky bin of “M’s.” I leave with a prescription, a grateful heart and I suspect a new friend.

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2010-05-15T23:13:00.000-04:00

May 15

Scripture focus: “This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is." John 3:19-21 The Message

All I intended was completing my errands; it was a busy day, and getting through these simple chores fast was a top priority. One last stop at the pharmacy, and I was free to head home and get back to work. This work felt imperative.

Usually I head to the pharmacy, greet by my friend Ginger, who reaches into the completed prescriptions bin and whips out my order. No such luck today. Instead, a stranger asks for my name, which she finds impossible to grasp. “Nadine?” She asks in broken English.

“No, it’s McBean. M-C-B-E-A-N. Like greenbeans and McDonald’s.” (How hard can this be?) I feel mildly annoyed when she stares back blankly.

“No Mac Bain’s here, come back tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow is Sunday, you won’t be open. Are you sure it isn’t there?”

“No B’s at all.”

“Oh! Look in the M’s!” My spirits rise. Maybe the prescription is filled.

“We no put B’s in M’s.” She thinks I’m a goof; I can tell this in any language.

“My. Name. Is. MMMMMMMMcBean.” I speak very slowly.

“Wait here. I get help.”

I don’t want to wait. I want to get my medicine handed to me by someone who always knows my name so that I can rush off and get busy with my very important, vital, crucial, essential, urgent, necessary work. I desire for my errand to be short, and my results swift.

More on why this response is a very big deal and bad news tomorrow.

“It is the nature of desire not to be satisfied, and most human beings live only for the gratification of it.” Aristotle

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2010-05-14T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 14

Scripture focus: When down-and-outers get a break, cheer! James 1:9 The Message

Addictions impair our receptivity to grace because, by definition, active addiction makes us crazy. It clouds our reasoning and obliterates our ability to care about others. The addicted brain is crafty, manipulative and selfish. Witnessing the destructive habits of the addicted is enough to make observers cry out for justice and request that grace be given to someone who deserves it (which feels judgmental). An alternative viewpoint is to consider all “down-and-outers” as helpless victims, for whom there is little hope for redemption. Something “made them” do whatever that despicable thing is they did – and we, as loving Christians, should just give them a break (which feels merciful). Do you ever find yourself waffling between these two responses?

Creating a space for grace is an interesting proposition. It requires a commitment to truth with a lot of wriggle room for what we might not understand.

After watching the dance of addiction for many years, I’m unwilling to accept the notion that anything is bigger than God’s love. Therefore, although I can cite chapter and verse all the reasons that addiction is difficult to treat and stubbornly resistant to intervention, I am convinced that no matter the systemic nature of the oppression, there resides within us the eternal possibility for freedom. I cannot give up on the hope of transformation. I refuse to label anyone as a helpless victim in need of constant rescue but beyond the reach of redemption.

For me, grace is a verb. And it is personal. We have a friend in our community that is a felon, served time in prison, lost his voting rights and his driver’s license. He spent years looking for a job in a vain attempt to “get back” what addiction took from him – a decent job, a good reputation and a reasonably comfortable life. God never gave him back some of the things he lost. But our buddy would tell you that he has received far greater gifts from the Father of Light. Today he is a counselor in a treatment facility. He’s maintained, completely by the grace of God, long term sobriety in the face of daunting obstacles. He had to receive financial support from others; he had to ask for help repeatedly; he had to open his hands and take whatever anyone was willing to offer him – including jobs that were beneath his educational and experience level and money to help pay rent.

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2010-05-13T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 13

Scripture focus: So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures. James 1:16-18 The Message

Pete has spent his Sunday mornings at NSC for eleven years, ten of which he’s led a men’s group. It’s an unusual collection of people. Many of the men who participate come from the local treatment facility; their schedule permits them to attend for awhile but not for long. This constant flux causes Pete some organizational heartburn. But it is losing guys back to the streets that break his heart.

There’s a guy in the group who used to be an addict and agnostic; now he’s in recovery and has found his higher power – Jesus. His sobriety and spiritual awakening have shocked everyone. A year ago he was barely conscious – now he is fully awake to spiritual things, vibrant in his love of life.

Our friend understands grace – although he never requested it. Grace showed up uninvited even though it was completely undeserved. God’s dynamic gift of grace is healing, illuminating and reconciling him to God and others. This young man never intended to get to know God; he showed up for coffee and biscuits. On bad weather days a morning at NorthStar was one way to find shelter from the rain, snow, heat or cold.

Grace cannot be acquired or possessed, hoarded or held onto. It is eternally free and blows where it will – much like the Holy Spirit that gives it. We can open our hearts to receive it, but we cannot control it nor does it seek to control us. The constant hope that grace might show up on any given Sunday is what keeps Pete coming back with biscuits and coffee in hand.

Clinging to the objects of our obsessions fills all the spaces in our mind, heart and hands that grace can occupy. It is the will and the desire for these objects that cause harm – not the objects themselves.

What treasure do you seek? One desperate man came in search of biscuits, coffee and shelter from the weather. He ended up acquiring God’s unmerited favor, the gift of peace and joy for living. This grace grew beyond the borders of his heart, changing how he thinks and behaves. Reconciliation has occurred in his family and he’s able to keep a job. He didn’t know that there could be anything better in life than a handout. What he learned is that a hand up is pretty powerful. Grace got him started; gratitude keeps him going. What keeps you going, the search for treasure or the gift of grace?

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2010-05-12T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 12

Scripture focus: If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open. James 1:5-8 The Message

Saint Augustine once said that God is always trying to give us good gifts but our hands are too full to receive them. He should know. Maybe we think he should know because he has the title “Saint.” But Saint Augustine was first and foremost a man who struggled with his own compulsions.

I used to think that I had to figure out how to limit my options, love God more, behave better, do something…in order to receive God’s help in my time of need. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing when it came to believing – and although I’ve learned a lot in forty plus years of believing, most days I still don’t understand how it works. I just muddle along, asking God for help. I pray and no answers immediately appear. I worry my prayers. Maybe the best thing I can say for myself is that I don’t keep my options open – I’ve made the decision to believe. But when I read James 1:5-8 I run for a life jacket.

I believe that God is infinitely loving, merciful, and gracious – showing goodwill to humankind through a remarkably patient attitude toward those of us who believe but often lose our way. What scares me is whether or not I am willing to make space to receive his gifts.

Maybe that’s the point. There’s no need for grace if belief is like a math formula or a recipe.

Jesus hung out with people who couldn’t figure out how to do math or make stew. They messed up, doubted, deserted and despaired. The religious leaders followed a formula and expected a reward. Jesus taught the confused, but he castigated those who presumed to know how to believe. I’m admitting to a constant state of uncertainty, and asking for God’s grace to carry on. How about you? Are you confident in your own knowledge of what constitutes treasure?

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2010-05-11T05:00:00.001-04:00

May 11

Scripture focus: Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. James 1:2-4 The Message

If our deepest desire is found in various permutations of loving God, self and others - then perhaps the most destructive component of addiction is that it steals desire. Addiction is a form of spiritual cancer. Specific obsessions and compulsions steal our life energy, leaving nothing left for other people and larger purposes than feeding our urge. Idolatry is the old-fashioned name for addiction.
Adrian Van Kaam has called it a “counterfeit of religious presence.”

Addiction exists when people are compelled to spend energy on things that are not their true desires. Addiction is the process of becoming attached (enslaved) to anything that distracts from our deepest longing for love and goodness.
I attended a funeral recently and the grieving widow said, “He loved his booze more than me.” I gave her a hug and kept walking. Maybe someday I will be given the opportunity to tell her, “He was addicted. That’s not love.”

If unhealthy attachment equals addiction (sometimes mistaken for obsessive love), then healthy detachment means that we are free to love in a way that takes other people’s needs into account. Detachment is not aloof; it is freedom to choose love. Detachment isn’t isolation; it is the ability to make choices within the context of loving relationships.

My boy calls home, not because he has to, but because he wants to have a loving connection to his parental units. We, his parents, appreciate his choice and do not presume that we deserve his largesse. None of us presume, feel entitled or take for granted this love connection.

In this moment (we do not pretend to know the future), we are experiencing a freedom of desire. This is very different than freedom from desire. Our son seems free to choose to love us. Freedom of desire means that we have a capacity to love. This gives us the ability to know how to love others in a way that is both healthy and appropriate. Michael calls because he knows that when he does, he is giving his mom and dad a gift. He is building a relationship of trust, one phone call at a time.
Addiction robs us of the freedom to love God and others. Yikes! That’s serious business.

Do you know where your treasure is buried?

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2010-05-10T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 10

Scripture focus: Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. Galatians 5:1 The Message

As an image bearer of God, we are created in love by a loving God. Our authentic self is destined for love. Freedom of will to choose this life – without manipulation – delights our heavenly Father. This kind of love forms our deepest desire.

Our youngest son is far away in college. He can do anything he darn well pleases and as long as he doesn’t get arrested, declared academically ineligible, end up on the cover of People magazine or in a YouTube video (I have heard rumors he is on Tom Green’s website having a snowball fight one snowy winter night in Nashville after a show.), we (his parents) would not have a clue.

Two weekends ago he called to ask us if it was ok to go visit his girlfriend; last weekend he called to ask about driving down to Birmingham for a folk festival. Technically, he doesn’t need to do this. He’s a young man who has resources and the freedom to choose.

Why does he call us? Is it really to get our permission? Or is it because he is free?

Freedom allows us to choose whether or not we love God, self and others. When a nineteen year old son continues to respect his parents by allowing them entry into his life story, even when he doesn’t have to – that is a beautiful love relationship.

True love is never enslaving; it is open. But there is a powerful force at work against this kind of love. More on that tomorrow.

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2010-05-09T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 9

Scripture focus: The woman stared at the fruit. It looked beautiful and tasty. She wanted the wisdom that it would give her, and she ate some of the fruit. Her husband was there with her, so she gave some to him, and he ate it too. Genesis 3:6 Contemporary English Version (CEV)

Eve is the kind of gal who is easy to judge. Promised the perfect husband, a great job as co-CEO of the Garden, and the very image of God, why, oh why did she mess stuff up by tasting the tempting fruit?

I sat down for coffee this week and listened as a girlfriend asked the same question about herself. She has no clue why she decided to start stealing from the company that she had worked for all her adult life. Hundreds of thousands of dollars later, the only answer she had? “I figured out I could take it and I did. The more I took, the more I wanted.”

Her kids are so embarrassed that they don’t want contact with her; her husband left her for another woman in the midst of this debacle. She has no money for a lawyer (ironic), and at this point, she figures at least in jail she’ll have a roof over her head and three meals per day. Eve and my friend share a powerful story. Every addiction story is a re-creation of Eve’s tumble in the garden.

My friend is deeply discouraged by the cycle of addiction:

* freedom - which became willfulness

* which was enticed by desire

* when mixed with temptation equaled attachment,

* ultimately resulting in the fall. She sees this as an endless cycle of despair.

I, however, disagree – as gently as possible! I think this story is headed somewhere. Although I am terrible at predicting who will make the journey successfully and who will not, I am convinced that this repetitive struggle with falling is preparing us for grace.

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2010-05-08T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 8

Scripture focus: God spoke: "Let us make human beings in our image, make reflecting our nature so they can be responsible for the fish in the sea, the birds in the air, the cattle, and, yes, Earth itself, and every animal that moves on the face of Earth." God created human beings; he created them godlike, reflecting God's nature. He created them male and female. God blessed them: “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill earth! Take charge! Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air, for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth." Genesis 1:26-28 The Message

Eden means “delight.” Intuitively, we all know we were created for delightful living. But we’re born in a state of independence from God; lots of stuff happens to us as we grow up and find our way back to Him. Some of it is really tragic and traumatic; other aspects are enticing and exciting. Most of it has some effect on the degree of difficulty with which we live as spiritual beings in an earth suit.

He created us and spoke into our lives when he said, “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill earth! Take charge! Be responsible…”

Just for today, hold one thought: God made me in his image, so that I might reflect his nature.

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2010-05-07T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 7

Scripture focus: When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession – to the praise of his glory. Ephesians 1:13-14 NIV

Is a laundry room a bad thing? Nope. Is it a reasonable decision? Yes, according to my husband (I’m completely incapable of objectivity; I’m compulsively obsessed.)

So what’s the problem?

The problem is when I put my hope in it.

It’s a problem when I think a laundry room is a glorious inheritance.

It’s a problem when I acquire possessions believing that I am entitled to them.
I have made a decision to believe. Once made, I am marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit.

My inheritance will never take the form of washers and dryers or cool drop down ironing boards.

Once I choose to believe, I am in the process of coming to understand that I have been given a new heart by a God who doesn’t wink at sin.

Holy and blameless isn’t about reigning in my passions; it’s about not winking at my sin. It is telling God the truth, and trusting that He will help me with my sin issues. But I cannot minimize my temptation to live a tawdry life, filled with trinket toys. I was created for more than folding laundry and perfectly pressed shirts.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-05-06T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 6

Scripture focus: For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to Sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. Ephesians 1:4-6 NIV

Living out who God says I am – holy and blameless – is impossible. I can’t do it. Here’s why. I passionately desire things that are incongruent with my Image Bearing identity. I have doubts about my ability to be holy and blameless. I completely believe that unless and until I fully embrace God’s intentions for my life I will be adrift in a sea of discontent. I’m in a pickle.

I passionately want things that make no sense. Recently, I’ve been lusting after moving my laundry room from the garage to the second floor of my house. My gosh, I want this so bad you’d think it would change the world. As soon as I don’t need to schlep dirty and clean clothes up and down stairs, what exactly do I think will happen? Will it cure the common cold, end poverty, cause the world to stop their fighting? Decrease wrinkles, brown spots and others signs of aging? I don’t think so. I’m still going to have to do laundry. It will need sorting and folding and even ironing. I can leave wet clothes in the washer for a week upstairs as easily as I have in the garage. I’m old enough to know that I’m going to love this project with a passion until it is completed and then it’ll be just another room where I go to do what I hate – wash clothes. This laundry room is a decent idea that will save some time and make life a tiny bit more convenient. But it will never help me achieve a holy and a blameless life.

If I am going to have any hope of becoming like Jesus (who bore the image of his daddy), I need to trust Him with everything that is true about me, including my passionate pursuit of a laundry room renovation. So here’s my deal. I want to be chosen by God without having to trust him with all of me. Trusting God means telling the truth – this obsession with a laundry room is serious business; I must acknowledge to God my idolatrous ways. I keep thinking the good life is convenient. I want what I want. This is a spiritual malady. It won’t get you locked up in the county jail or result in Social Services coming and taking my kid to foster care, but it is not holy. It is not blameless.

Identifying where I look for treasure will help me discover my idols.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-05-05T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 5

Scripture focus: For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to Sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. Ephesians 1:4-6 NIV

One of the treasures that I unconsciously return to is the desire for peace. I want a peaceful life. I want my sheets to be folded neatly in the linen closet; I want my car clean; I want my desk clutter free. I want people to behave, get along, not relapse, not make a mess of their God-created identity. I want adults to be nice to children and behave like grown ups, people to politely merge in traffic, and my husband to learn to love take out. This is how I unconsciously define peace. I believe that peace and love are like matching salt and pepper shakers. Love, I think, shouldn’t hurt.

Passion – derived from the Latin root passus, meaning suffering.

I experience uncomfortable feelings when my world is discombobulated, which means I am uncomfortable most of the time (with the exception of a fifteen minute window on Monday afternoons when my house smells like cleaning products and all the shoes are lined up like little matching soldiers in the closet). I am increasingly conscious of how this expectation for peace is like digging for treasure in a rocky field.

Bear with me as I try to explain. God has given us the gift of grace through his son Jesus. He loves Jesus; Jesus is his boy. His boy also suffered. Jesus made the decision to passionately love us and it was a suffering love. This is so huge that my mind cannot absorb the implications. We are chosen for adoption and we bear the title “child of God” when we make the decision to co-sign the adoption papers. But look at the expression of love in God’s family – it is passionate.

I realize that I thought getting adopted in God’s family would pluck me out of my disease, dysfunction and destiny. I thought if I got in the “right” kind of family, all would be well with my soul and my shoes.

Jesus was the sinless personification of peace. He was the perfect vessel of love. He was holy and blameless. But he was uncomfortable, aggravated, and even agitated along the way. Jesus was consciously uncomfortable in accordance with the pleasure and will of his Father.

Where are you digging for treasure? What do you desire passionately?

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2010-05-04T05:00:00.001-04:00

May 4

Scripture focus: For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to Sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. Ephesians 1:4-6 NIV

I preach on Sunday mornings, usually about 50 Sundays a year. In order to sit under another’s teaching, I usually do it in pj’s, sitting in my comfy desk chair, listening via the internet. Recently I’ve been tuning into Pieter Van Waarde’s messages from Woodcrest Chapel. A few weeks ago he preached a beautiful sermon talking about our disease, dysfunction and destiny. He reminded his community that he’s a big believer in the reality of disease (addiction has a physiological component), dysfunction (family dysfunction causes wounds that must be healed in order for us to thrive), and destiny (generations of people continue to live what they saw modeled rather than what they could learn to do differently). (He said it better, but I’m trying to keep this short.)

My favorite part of the message was his reminder of our Image Bearer status (made in the image of God) and the decision each of us must make – to pursue the life God intends for us or to drift along with the three d’s.

Twenty six years ago I attended a bible study at Mary Saunder’s home every Friday morning. Mama John (as we affectionately call her) spent three years taking us through the book of Ephesians…word by word….phrase by phrase. Once in a while my baby would be sick and I’d have to miss a week. It was like missing an episode of a soap opera. You know you missed something, but when you return to the program, it seems as if they’re in the same spot you left them. That’s how slowly we proceeded through the book. It was awesome.

I was sitting in a rocking chair, listening to her raspy, gentle voice when I first connected with the verse, For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. I am still wondering what it all means….the implications, the possibilities, the dreams….they boggle the imagination.

He chose me. He chose you.

He chose us before we had been exposed to disease, dysfunction or destiny. He chose us before he took the time to divide light and darkness, land and sea. He chose us.

I remember vividly the day I made the decision to see where this road might lead. That’s all I did. I made a decision. It is a wild ride that requires me to address my tendency to dig for treasure in fields that are booby trapped.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-05-03T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 3

Scripture focus: I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. Ephesians 1:18-19 NIV

While my mother-in-law was hospitalized I missed a doctor’s appointment. I have no excuse. I remembered the appointment the day before and even the morning of – both times when it wasn’t possible to call and cancel. I felt guilty for missing the appointment, stealing the opportunity from someone else in desperate need of the time slot and disrespecting the doctor’s time. Like nails on a chalkboard, it bugged me that I had messed this up.

Sunday morning I stopped at my favorite coffee shop for a hot tea on my way to church. It’s a small ritual with me, a gift to self, a few minutes to breathe and contemplate the nearness of the kingdom of God alone before experiencing it in community. I noticed what seemed to be a mother/daughter duo making their way into the shop. I paused at the door, holding it for them. I remembered how holding an elderly person’s arm when they walk with an unsteady gait makes it hard to open a heavy door without anxiety and awkwardness. I fully appreciated the daughter’s situation, and had one of those grievous moments thinking that I no longer will do this with Marion.

“Hey! I thought that was you holding the door. How are you?” Startled back into the present moment, I realized that the very doctor that I had stood up was part of this duo shuffling through the door.

“I’m doing ok. However, I owe you an amends. I missed an appointment with you a few weeks ago, and I’m without excuse. I would like to ask your forgiveness.” She was, as always, kind to me. In turn, I felt a burden lift lightly off my back.

That night, I opened the scriptures and read I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you…and thought about all the things I hoped for – I hoped for better organization skills, improved memory, and a life that didn’t inconvenience others. I returned to God’s word and paused over the phrase, the hope to which he has called you. What hope has God called me to? I know what I hope for, but what do I hope in as an Image Bearer of God? God has called me to hope; but it is His decision to say how that hope is made manifest; my job is to pay attention and notice hope when it shows up. On this day, I was able to ask for and receive forgiveness. My doctor’s willingness to genuinely and spontaneously offer me forgiveness was a clarion call to hope. If I had been rushing for my hot tea or sidetracked by unresolved grief, I might have missed the opportunity to resolve this issue between us. For those of us who believe, it is a powerful truth to know that God has called us to hope – even when we muck things up.

Here’s one thing I’m learning about me. I get disconnected from God, self and others when I lose God consciousness. While unconscious, I believe, do, think and feel in ways that are completely in contradiction to the image I bear. I am unconscious, but that doesn’t mean that others are unaware. This is not a hidden thing about me, it’s just hidden from my consciousness. Where is the treasure buried? Where am I digging?

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2010-05-02T05:00:00.000-04:00

May 2

Scripture focus: Jesus said to her, “Mary.” John 20:16 NIV

One night I went with a group of girlfriends to a Lectio Divina, which is a fancy way of saying we entered into an experience of corporate contemplative prayer, using an ancient model for prayer as a guide. Our facilitator read from John 20, and we were invited to prayerfully listen to the reading and note if any word or phrase jumped out at us. John 20:16 hit me like a ton of bricks. In this passage (you might want to read it yourself), Mary arrives at the tomb distraught with grief, seeking the body of Jesus. It isn’t until Jesus speaks to her that she recognizes the Lord.

The next question we were asked to prayerfully consider is why would God place particular emphasis just for me on this verse, on this day? I asked. Immediately, I had a sense of what lay behind the spoken word, “Mary.” He said, “Mary.” But I heard so much more within the context of the passage.

“Shush. Calm down.”

“Look up.”

“I am here.”

“I am fully present and available to you.”

“Stop fretting. I am not in need of rescue.”

“Halt. You’re running so fast in your fear and anxiety that you don’t even see what is right in front of you. I am who you seek. I am already here and you’re missing me – not because I am gone, but because you simply do not have eyes to see.”

Shush. Listen. God is fully present. Do you hear Him?

Where is your treasure? What are you chasing after?

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-05-01T08:57:00.000-04:00

May 1

Scripture focus: Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Matthew 6:21

As image bearers of the Most High God, we are created for living the life God intended for us. This is our sweet spot. It is when our true, God-created identity is given expression in an environment where love thrives that we experience God and the nearness of his kingdom.

I believe this with every conscious fiber of my being. It orders how I spend my time, who I play with, what I read, how I pray, why I believe what I believe about marriage, family, work, finances and relationships.

But where is my treasure buried? Let me be blunt. I think that sometimes my head (what I believe intellectually) and heart (how I live experientially) are living on different planets. As is usual for me, I first noticed this disconnect in the experiences of other people. They would speak of their love for God and others, but the choices they made didn’t match up. And their emotions were a mess.

I watch myself and others continue to make the craziest, most unconscious choices. And I wonder, what will it take for us to realize that we’re digging for buried treasure in fields that are filled with booby traps, explosive devises and worthless rocks?

I invite you to join me in a month long discussion about who God is, what it means to bear his image, and how knowing these things can help us come to grips with what ails us. It’s all about grace.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-30T05:00:00.001-04:00

April 30

Scripture focus: Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. As a dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words. Ecclesiastes 5:1-2 NIV

One of the many suggested formats for a fourth step inventory includes making a list of resentments, fears and sexual misconduct. As we complete this list, we also make note of how these events hurt us and how we hurt others. This work is not for sissies. To my knowledge, Marion never completed a fourth step inventory nor did she need to. Her understanding of life and how things worked taught her to self-evaluate regularly and often. She used God’s word as a measuring stick for assessing herself.

My brother, “Dr. Jones,” (if you’ve read the entire month’s devotionals, you know what this means) is a man of many talents. One of those abilities is training dogs. When Marion got sick, he came up to see her. In the end, it turned out he was here for the funeral. She would have so loved him coming to see her off. One evening we all sat down to dinner, and our little grand puppy was running around acting like an adolescent dog; she was completely developmentally appropriate. “Dr. Jones” offered Charley’s ‘mom’ some sound advice: “Charley is moving into doggy adolescence. This is where her training successes and weaknesses are going to become apparent. When you see a weakness, the faster you respond to it, the better. The longer you ignore the issue, the more drastic the measures you will have to take to fix the problem.”

There’s a reason we all him Dr. Jones. He’s smart.

I am always nagging people to inventory their lives. I use the fourth step model because I’ve discovered that so few people actually know how to evaluate their own life story – especially when it comes to taking ownership for their weaknesses.

Marion’s last week was such a peaceful experience. Her fine example will continue to inspire me to inventory my own life, and nag you to do likewise. But don’t forget – this isn’t so that we can beat ourselves up, it is one step, one way, one suggestion, for getting in touch with our past wounds – for the purpose of resolution. Resolving our past helps us discover the life God intended for us.

Scripture focus: Naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand. Ecclesiastes 5:15 NIV

Although our departure is made buck naked, the coolest part of the trip is that we don’t need to pack anything to take with us. When we reach the heavenlies, everything we need is already waiting for us.

This is really important to remember, especially if we’re still trying to acquire things to enrich our earthly existence. Maybe, unlike Donald Miller, we’re still hoping a Volvo will make us happy. Perhaps we haven’t consciously thought through the implications of our perceived greatest desires. A fourth step inventory can provide clarity about our values, and our weaknesses.

I would ask you to consider these things. Take seriously the shortness of life and the blessing (and responsibility) of breathing. Juanita Ryan has written a lovely book that could inform your journey; it’s called Keep Breathing. Our NorthStar Community folks will be studying this book in our fall study groups. But I’d suggest grabbing a copy and begin reading immediately. Faced with her own mortality, Juanita blesses us by sharing how she made sense of the journey.

Life is short, but a breath. Keep breathing. May we experience the life God intended for us, as we learn to breathe with a grateful heart. (Laughing as you go certainly doesn’t hurt.)

One last thought. Who might be studying your life – and what are they learning? Are you ok with the lessons your life is teaching others?

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-29T05:00:00.000-04:00

April 29

Scripture focus: Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiates 4:9-12 NIV

One of the things that I loved about my mother-in-law was her ability to admit wrongdoing. I don’t think this was particularly easy for her – so no need to whip out the application for sainthood. In fact, it was the degree of difficulty in the admission that made her willingness to admit so admirable. Like the rest of us, sometimes admitting stuff was hard.

On Tuesday afternoon, Pete was perched on the window ledge in her room, a weak sunlight filtered in behind him. It made a lovely silhouette, but caused his face to seem fuzzy. Marion had trouble hearing him because she couldn’t read his lips. For those unfamiliar with hearing loss, most of us who experience it develop an ability to supplement our hearing with a rudimentary ability to read lips. This helps. She complained to him about his mumbling ways, and he tried to speak up and enunciate better. But if she had pushed the point, he could have reminded her that her hearing wasn’t at full strength.

On Wednesday evening, the tumor continued its relentless march into her trachea, making it hard for her to have enough breath to speak. In the wee hours of the morning, I struggled to hear and follow her instructions. “Do you need more pillows?” No, she nodded. “More water?” No, no she seemed to say. “Should I get you up and in the chair?” Absolutely Not!! Her nonverbal shouted in response. Eventually she managed, “My you are getting hard of hearing!” I found this extremely ironic and amusing. But I must admit, if the circumstances had been different – I might have felt annoyed.

She and I discovered the beauty and blessing of releasing all need to judge as the days rolled toward their inevitable conclusion. As usual, she led me in this discovery. Often filled with self-deprecation and doubt with a terminal need to feel embarrassed or a little ashamed when she did something human, like fall or need a heart valve replaced, the final weeks wiped out all that need to critique self, melting it away under the warm sunshine of self-acceptance.

Toward the end, nothing much mattered except that her family loved her and each other. There was no longer a need to improve, repair, rehab, fix, or make right a wrong. There is an indescribable beauty that blossoms when we learn how to see ourselves accurately, with complete honesty and total acceptance.

In the recovery process, step four asks us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory, but it can’t teach us how to do so without judging ourselves. The gift of acceptance must come from above. Although unspoken, for me personally, Marion’s greatest legacy will be this powerful combination of honest self-appraisal and loving acceptance. It was truly a God thing.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-28T05:00:00.000-04:00

April 28

Scripture focus: I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. Ecclesiastes 3:10-14 NIV

Grief is a funny thing. I have found it to be a strangely personal and comforting experience. All those books on the subject don’t really do it justice. In the materials that hospice provides, there are several very helpful guidelines and suggestions about how to support the person who is dying. We read and tried to pay attention and maybe followed them if we could.

Marion found the experience of dying funny too. Multiple times a day she would give me words of instruction, always ending with, “This is so strange; I feel like I’m planning someone else’s funeral.” She said this at least one hundred times in six days. I don’t know what the experts would say about that, but here’s what I believe.

She had some concerns for her family but she was not overly concerned. I was given a short set of instructions which I will follow. They include things like make sure the grandchildren know how important their education is and how proud she is of their accomplishments. She has some regrets – not being at Cara’s wedding this June is at the top of her list. On the other hand, she is delighted to think about all of us gathering to celebrate. She’s had a sneak peek at the dress, and she knows we’re in for a treat. She had a few stern warnings – don’t talk about her death in euphemisms. Don’t put her picture in the paper. Don’t forget that it is easier to cut a turkey with an electric knife. Don’t over-knead the oatmeal bread.
Somehow she managed to communicate a trust in us – that we would carry on and would do so in a way that would delight her. She believed in our ability to take the ball and run with it.

She was ready to go home. She had no doubts about her destiny; no qualms about standing before the throne of grace. She did so hope she looked good when she crossed the line into eternity – after all, she had a husband waiting on the other side.

The last week of her life was perfect and beautiful, which was the fruit of a life well lived. It is very difficult to feel sorrow for such a testimony to a faith-filled life. Grief and loss come in all sorts of experiences, but I am deeply grateful for Marion’s perspective; she taught me that in some situations dying is more like a party than a parting. She has inspired me to take a harder look at how I’m living my life, because she taught me that death in many ways is a summary statement for how we’ve lived.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-27T05:00:00.000-04:00

April 27

Scripture focus: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NIV

Marion birthed three boys. As a mother myself to two boys and a girl, I know that gender makes a difference. You can give a boy all the dolls in the world and offer up guns and ammo to little girls just to be fair and at the end of the day there is still a gender difference. (That said, the girls in our family like technology, sports, sweating and fast cars more than a lot of guys I know. And I can say without equivocation that I have shot more guns and flung more arrows than all the guys in this family combined. I’m just saying, there are gender differences; I’m not saying what they are!!)

One of those differences for us was topics of conversation. We girls talked about things that she didn’t always feel the need to share with the guys. Pete and I learned this by comparing notes over the years. I would ask, “Did your mom tell you about….?”

“No. What are you talking about?” He’d ask, not that he really cared that much for the topic but I guess he thought it was the polite thing to do, which sort of proves my point. We also had this conversation in reverse.

One of the things Marion and I shared was a love for hair. We liked to talk about why we hated our own hair, and thought the other’s was so much better. The first year I was married, Marion bought one of those curling irons that had bristles. It was all the rage and came with a guarantee to make anyone’s hair a sight to behold. She raved about the results. I was skeptical. “I don’t know. My hair has a fine texture; it’s not full of body like yours. I bet that thing wouldn’t work for me.”

“Oh, yes, dear, it would. Let me show you.”

“Are you sure? Cause usually, stuff with bristles like that just gets tangled.”

“Well, dear, perhaps you just don’t know how to use it. I will show you how.”

“Ok, if you’re sure….” She plugged it in and I took my seat, hoping to be wowed but fearing the worst. Sure enough, she took hold of a strand of hair and wrapped the brush around it, way up close, next to the scalp…just like the instructions said to do if you wanted the perfect outcome. The result – instant tangle. That brush was so tightly wrapped in my hair that the only thing to do was get out the scissors. Fortunately, it was in the back, I never had to look at the damage. I understand it was a sight to behold.

The last week of Marion’s life, I made sure I brushed her hair first thing in the morning and last thing at night. There may be a time and season for lots of things, but a girl always needs her hair to look its best. Some things in life are simply non-negotiable. Have you ever thought about your non-negotiables?

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-26T05:00:00.000-04:00

April 26

Scripture focus: I thought in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good." But that also proved to be meaningless. "Laughter," I said, "is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?" I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired men and women singers, and a harem as well—the delights of the heart of man. I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:1-11 NIV

In Donald Miller’s book, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years, he introduces his work with a little ditty that packs a powerful punch. He tells of his search for the secret to making a good movie. He suggests that if we go to a movie about a guy who spends his whole live trying to acquire a Volvo, no one will cry when he gets his car and drives it off the lot. In fact, he suggests that if we went to a movie about a subject like this, we’d demand a refund for the price of the ticket. He concludes the story by saying that if no one would be interested in seeing a movie about this story, why in the world would we think that a life focused on buying a Volvo would be meaningful, significant and interesting?

From Ecclesiastes to A Million Miles In A Thousand Years, mankind has continued to search for a meaningful life while continuing to run down the same dead end alleys. It seems we are destined to need to learn from our own mistakes, rather than heeding the wisdom of our forefathers. Maybe that’s the only way; it might even be the best way. As we experience failure, we have the opportunity to learn. As we learn, we acquire experience (and hopefully empathy and compassion for others). As we gain experience, we have opportunities to develop, evolve, grow and mature. It’s not the falling down that leads to failure, it’s the failure to learn from our falling down.

In Marion’s lifetime she became one of the best faller-downers in the history of falling down. She fell down in the rain, on vacation, in her apartment, on the sidewalk, in New York City, down a flight of stairs, in a bowling alley, out of bed (Dr. Seuss would have a field day with her adventures.)….and these are just the places she told us about. It would seem that Marion never learned how not to fall. Her strength was not found in overcoming her predisposition to excellence in falling.

If she could’ve learned how not to fall, she would’ve. She sincerely desired to never fall. She was the most sincerely regretful faller I hope to ever meet.

Some things we will never conquer; in matters such as these, it will be important to learn how to manage within our limitations.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-25T05:00:00.000-04:00

April 25

A series of collaborative works with my mother-in-law, who died three weeks ago…

Scripture focus: How can I stand up before God and show proper respect to the high God? Should I bring an armload of offerings topped off with yearling calves? Would God be impressed with thousands of rams, with buckets and barrels of olive oil? Would he be moved if I sacrificed my firstborn child, my precious baby, to cancel my sin? But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously. Micah 6:6-8 The Message

Marion was the best at not taking herself too seriously. Strangers were often startled by her predisposition toward laughter at what others might consider odd times. While waiting on some particular testing during her last week in the hospital, she had a doctor who had a name that reminded her of pickles. Instead of keeping this to herself, she asked him, “Does anyone ever call you Dr. Pickles?”

“All the time,” he smiled in obvious good humor himself, and continued with the exam.

One of the ways we show proper respect to God is allowing room for a good laugh, even in a hospital room filled with bad news. Marion was uncommonly blessed by healthcare professionals who joined her in laughing through the rough spots.

At the memorial service, we sat waiting in the room behind the sanctuary, for our formal tribute to Marion’s life. We were telling stories and chuckling among ourselves when our Pastor joined us. “Have you guys moved from grief to joy already? Can’t you wait a few minutes?” His willingness to join us in celebration is one of the things that makes him a great pastor.

Even in the midst of bad news, laughter has proven to be good medicine. We learned from the master.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-24T05:00:00.000-04:00

April 24

A series of collaborative works with my mother-in-law, who died three weeks ago…

Scripture focus: How can I stand up before God and show proper respect to the high God? Should I bring an armload of offerings topped off with yearling calves? Would God be impressed with thousands of rams, with buckets and barrels of olive oil? Would he be moved if I sacrificed my firstborn child, my precious baby, to cancel my sin? But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously. Micah 6:6-8 The Message

It helps to have a sense of humor if you want to get along with others. Marion’s sense of humor was legendary. Once we went to UVA for a football game and Marion had to “go.” Pete took us into the engineering school, a building he had spent many hours in as a student. But these were the “good old days” and we women had barely made a dent into the school of good old boys. In short – we couldn’t find a women’s restroom. So Pete went into one of the men’s, checked it out and gave us the all clear sign. This wasn’t a big room. Three stalls were available for selection, and Marion chose the middle one, which for some reason, had a door that was reluctant to open. But the woman had to go, and she thought this was the best stall. She pushed on the door, while peering through the crack (aggressively and for longer than necessary) – low and behold, that Pete had made a careless inspection. Some guy was already “going” in Marion’s designated stall!

She turned to me and signaled to flee. “There’s someone in the bathroom!” She was laughing hysterically.

“Oh my gosh! What are we going to do?” I did not think this was that funny.

“Hide!” Dragging me by the arm, she looked to the left and right, noticing a small alcove not far from the restroom, tucked in under some steps. (Later she tells me that her need to “go” precluded a direct exit of the building – which was my idea.) “Shush!” She covers her mouth and jiggles silently in amusement. We have no clue where Pete is – probably watching the dang football game.

Soon, we hear the creak as the outer bathroom door opens, accompanied by the sound of footsteps…growing louder by the minute. Imagine the odds, this guy not only needed to go potty but also needed junk food! He rounded the corner, with change in hand, walked calmly to the vending machine and made his selection. We stood in plain view, huddled together like school girls, frozen in embarrassment. He bought his crackers and diet coke as if we were covered by a cloak of invisibility. I guess once a woman has seen you with your pants dropped, what else is there to fret over?

He left and Marion re-entered the bathroom to take care of business. I decided nothing would get me back in that bathroom. Eventually we found that coward Pete, who didn’t seem to think any of this was his responsibility. Marion told and retold the story of our grand adventure. She knew something that I did not – in families, there will be times of sadness, laugh while you can.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-23T05:00:00.000-04:00

April 23

A series of collaborative works with my mother-in-law, who died three weeks ago…

Scripture focus: How can I stand up before God and show proper respect to the high God? Should I bring an armload of offerings topped off with yearling calves? Would God be impressed with thousands of rams, with buckets and barrels of olive oil? Would he be moved if I sacrificed my firstborn child, my precious baby, to cancel my sin? But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously. Micah 6:6-8 The Message

Compassion and loyalty are killer combinations. When Marion was a young widow, she was hired by an orthodontist in need of her accounting and organizational skills. She spent many years in that office. It was a place that became another home. She loved both doctors she worked for and they treated her like a queen – which she didn’t mind one bit. I can’t tell you all the wonderful things they did for her over the years – there were simply too many. But their generosity and care for her enabled her to live financially comfortably and with a sense of purpose. It also gave her a wide open space to share her love.

After years of adjustments to single life, it was with great anticipation that she awaited the birth of her first grandchild. Of course, according to Nana, Meredith was perfect. And she proved it by whipping out the baby pictures for all to see. Reports would float back to Pete and me, “Hey, took John to the orthodontist today; saw more pictures of Meredith. I swear, I know more about your kid than my own grandchild!” It was all in good humor, and we assumed that Nana showed off her collection to friends of the family who happened to go to her office. We were mistaken.

Meredith was about six months old when I ventured across town to shop at a department store that I rarely visited. I certainly didn’t expect to see anyone I knew, but there was no question about it – certainly my baby didn’t know anyone on the West End of town. The clerk began ringing up my purchase. I had never seen this woman in my life. Meredith stirred in her stroller and the clerk glanced down. “Oh my goodness! Is this Meredith? I’d recognize her anywhere.”

“Really? How so?” She’s starting to freak me out and I’m considering backing out of the store and running for the car. I was a first time parent, prone to paranoia.

“My daughter has braces.” Well, ok then. That explains it.

Nana was always loyal in her love. Friend, family, co-worker – whoever, if you made it onto her radar, she would love you and share her love for you with others. Over the years, we’ve enjoyed the fruit of her love. We’ve shared meals, stories, sorrows and heartache with people who would have stayed strangers if it weren’t for Marion connecting people to each other. This has enriched our family, deepened our sense of community and connection – and taught us things we wouldn’t have learned within the cocoon of “us.” We also know the name of a really great orthodontist if your kids need braces.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-22T05:00:00.000-04:00

April 22

A series of collaborative works with my mother-in-law, who died three weeks ago…

Scripture focus: How can I stand up before God and show proper respect to the high God? Should I bring an armload of offerings topped off with yearling calves? Would God be impressed with thousands of rams, with buckets and barrels of olive oil? Would he be moved if I sacrificed my firstborn child, my precious baby, to cancel my sin? But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously. Micah 6:6-8 The Message

Marion modeled fairness towards all. She was good to her neighbors, and they were good to her.

When we were first married, Marion sold her home and moved into a condominium. This was both an economic and pragmatic decision. In hindsight, we all think it was a God thing. Over the years in her condo, she and her mother developed some lovely relationships with their neighbors – a tradition I’m sure they practiced everywhere they lived. A few months ago, while shopping in my favorite grocery store, I ran into one of those neighbors. She reminded me of all the times that Nana or Gram had helped her and her young daughter out. But Marion would tell you that it was always a mutual thing – one neighbor doing for another.

Families are enriched when they reach out into the community and add friends to the mix. I’ve observed that families seem to struggle when they live in isolation. Friends help “round families out” and provide new ideas and ways of thinking about how families can work.

If the measure of a person can be taken by the quality of one’s friends, Marion was a bazillionaire. She had great friends. In the last few months of her life, Marion was struggling to recuperate from yet another fall. As she tried to regain her strength, one friend brought her mail, another food. Marion didn’t feel like getting out as she was very weak, so friends stopped by and called regularly. Her community watched over her from a respectful distance, enabling her family to feel reasonably ok with her decision to stay in her apartment, rather than transfer over to assisted living.

These friends were like a strand of precious pearls. Each unique with their own luster and giftedness, when joined together they made it possible for Marion to live her last months her way – independently. One lesson I will never forget from these last weeks: friends are treasures, priceless, life sustaining.

One of life’s grandest epic adventures is friendship.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-20T22:32:00.001-04:00

April 21

A series of collaborative works with my mother-in-law, who died three weeks ago…

Scripture focus: How can I stand up before God and show proper respect to the high God? Should I bring an armload of offerings topped off with yearling calves? Would God be impressed with thousands of rams, with buckets and barrels of olive oil? Would he be moved if I sacrificed my firstborn child, my precious baby, to cancel my sin? But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously. Micah 6:6-8 The Message

Nana, our in-town grandmother, rarely over-stepped her role of chief cheerleader to her grandchildren’s every breath. She possessed a remarkable ability to see the ever-increasing glory in others paired with a strong predisposition to not notice the bad stuff. So it came as quite a shock when she invited one of our kids over for what we now call the infamous, “lunch and lecture.” Here’s what happened.

I was out of town and Scott was visiting with Nana. I called to check in, and Scott was his typical adolescent, dry humored, sarcastic self. I caught the teasing tone, but Nana suspected she heard something more. She feared she caught the whiff of disrespect. She paused to prepare and I imagine pray. Then she invited Scott to lunch. No one turns down a meal at Nana’s; he showed up with a bib on.

After lunch, Nana settled into her mission. She spoke with Scott about treating his mother with respect. This was a remarkable event, one that I doubt Scott will ever forget. I appreciate the fact that she cared enough about our children and me to speak up. Afterwards, Nana and Pete (her son and Scott’s dad) talked at length about the event. It was one of those extremely healthy, not-always-comfortable-for-everyone family moments.

This is what I love about family – when it works. People share their feelings – appropriately. Nana didn’t “triangle” by talking to Pete or me about Scott’s perceived bad behaving. She went directly to Scott. She didn’t wave the correction flag often – in fact, this is the only time in my memory that it happened – so when she spoke, people listened. She also earned the right to speak a word of correction by spending years and years filling up Scott’s love tank with hugs, kisses, words of affirmation, costumes, biscuits, more bacon than is good for you, long hours sitting in bleachers at sporting events, and more.

Today we know that if something difficult must be spoken of, we begin with this. “I need to meet you for…lunch and lecture…breakfast and berating…dinner and discussion…tea and tattling…coffee and confrontation…”

Nana taught us the value of humor, respect, love and so much more. But it wasn’t always warm cookies and milk (although they were always available). Families have fights. Families freak out. Families experience disappointments. Families have misunderstandings. Families get in messes. More on how to manage the messiness of family life tomorrow.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-19T23:04:00.001-04:00

April 20

A series of collaborative works with my mother-in-law, who died three weeks ago…

Scripture focus: How can I stand up before God and show proper respect to the high God? Should I bring an armload of offerings topped off with yearling calves? Would God be impressed with thousands of rams, with buckets and barrels of olive oil? Would he be moved if I sacrificed my firstborn child, my precious baby, to cancel my sin? But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously. Micah 6:6-8 The Message

Proper respect isn’t cool anymore. It’s a lost art. When I was a kid (You know when you’re getting old? When you start saying things like, “When I was a kid…”) I believe my parents’ highest core value for me was that I show proper respect.

I’m not sure that my generation has kept it on the list of things we want our kids to do. We want our kids to feel happy, to excel, to achieve, to have all the advantages, to feel good about themselves, and to possess everything their heart’s desire. But respect? Hmmmm… Nana was an in-town grandparent to our three children. My parents are out-of-town grandparents. There are distinct differences. Out-of-towners miss a lot; in-towners miss the opportunity to live with the illusion that their grandkids are practically perfect. Our entire generation seems to have missed out on the value of collaborative parenting with multi-generations of family. (Not always a bad thing, I admit. I know there are some bad dude parental units who, given the opportunity, would be bad dude grandparents. I appreciate a parent who has the good sense to not expose their own children to the same traumas of childhood they experienced.) But I wonder if we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater as we have relegated our grandparents to good times and gifts, rather than giving them proper respect as sage advisors about parenting issues. How Nana helped us parent in tomorrow’s devotional.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-19T08:50:00.000-04:00

April 19

A series of collaborative works with my mother-in-law, who died three weeks ago…

Scripture focus: How can I stand up before God and show proper respect to the high God? Should I bring an armload of offerings topped off with yearling calves? Would God be impressed with thousands of rams, with buckets and barrels of olive oil? Would he be moved if I sacrificed my firstborn child, my precious baby, to cancel my sin? But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously. Micah 6:6-8 The Message

In the next few devotionals, we’re going to talk about: respect, compassionate and loyal love, and not taking ourselves too seriously. But first, a funny story.

One of the things that experience has taught me has to do with keeping secrets – that is never a good thing. Just don’t do it! Here’s why. Things that we think are embarrassing, often become the catalyst for the balm of laughter.

Once, a long time ago, Marion went on a trip to Florida with two friends. While away, they decided to take a day cruise. They drove the rental car to the designated location, parked and headed off for their tour boat. At the conclusion of a relaxing, albeit warm day of cruising, the designated driver went to grab the rental car keys out of her purse – and they weren’t there! How could that be, the ladies wondered? As they walked to the car, they began to envision the possibilities. Might they have to call the rental car to come and provide a second set of keys? How much would that cost? What if the keys were in the ignition, now that was a possibility – but the car would be locked, how would they get to the keys? Could they get a locksmith and how much would he charge? What if the car had been stolen – they ruminated over the possibility and wondered what the policy was for losing a rental car?

Relieved, they spotted the car in the distance. They hurried toward it, hoping to see the keys in the ignition or on the seat. Blessing upon blessings, Marion called out, “Oh look! The doors aren’t locked, if the keys are in there, we’re home free!” Rounding the bumper and heading toward the driver’s door – there were the keys – in the ignition. In great relief, the ladies collapsed on the hood of the car….only to notice how very hot…and noisy it was….Oh my!

A call to one of the sons for advice. “We left the keys in the ignition…with the car running…all day for nine hours…what should we do now?”

“Fill the car up with gas, you probably need it.” Humor comes in handy when your mother travels without son supervision. We never asked, and they didn’t tell whether or not they shared this story with the rental car company. I’m sure the statute of limitations has passed. But for our part, we’ll never buy a used rental car.

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-18T05:00:00.000-04:00

April 18

Scripture focus: Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. 1 Timothy 5:3-4 NIV

At some point in our vigil with Nana, my niece reminded me why I think she has the one of the best set of parents in the world. She asked, “Who’s going to make the oatmeal bread?” Marion’s mother made great oatmeal bread; Marion made great oatmeal bread. In a world where we live far away from the cousins, oatmeal bread connects us. Face book is good, but eating oatmeal bread reminds us that long before we were born, someone in our family taught a child how to make oatmeal bread, who in turn, taught another child to make oatmeal bread.

This takes time.

It’s messy.

Finding God’s purpose for our life is not rocket science. He’s spelled it out, plain as day. Love God. Love others. Care for widows. Show gratitude in your family by helping each other out.

Cara wants to know – are we, the next generation prepared to take on the responsibility of making the bread and teaching her how to do likewise?

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© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community

2010-04-17T05:00:00.000-04:00

April 17

Scripture focus: Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13 NIV

Marion loved food. She was a great cook. In recent months, as her energy dwindled, her appetite vanished. Eventually, the last great food temptation left for her was anything chocolate. On Tuesday, after she had time to think about her diagnosis, she told us that she wanted a Thanksgiving meal - turkey and dressing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes and gravy, and chocolate cake for dessert.

I called my girlfriends and said, “I’ve got to find her a Thanksgiving dinner. Who makes those?” (This does not bode well for future family gatherings at my house, does it? My fallback position when it comes to food is that somebody somewhere must have it on the menu.) My two girlfriends who I profoundly trust with food and shopping promised to put their thinking caps on.

By Thursday, I wasn’t sure how much she’d eat of the dinner, but I was warming to the idea of serving Thanksgiving dinner as it is intended to be served – with family. The extended family was arriving in town, and it occurred to me that by Saturday all would be present. We could have one more big family dinner with Nana. The girl grandchildren could decorate, and the boy grandchildren could follow the girls around and do what they told them.

I called my friends. It’s at times like these that it really pays to have friends who are very, very good at going to any lengths to purchase things. And ask for stuff. And organize. Within hours, a party was planned for the family in an activity room down the hall from her room. As it turns out, the party did not turn out as anticipated. By Saturday morning, Marion was already busy doing whatever it is new arrivals in heaven do on check-in day.

Saturday evening, we had our Thanksgiving feast in her memory, rather than her honor. I cannot tell you what a labor of love it was on the part of my friends, who went above and beyond my imaginings in creating the finest Thanksgiving feast ever. It was awesome, and came with a cleanup crew – which I highly recommend as essential ingredients for any holiday party.

A few days later, when I was thinking about all the future events that are going to seem so strange without her presence at the table, my heart leapt at the realization that one “first” was already done – we’d already celebrated our first Thanksgiving without her.

In the face of loss, life does go on. But I can’t imagine proceeding without the gift of friends who know how to lay down their lives in love.

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