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Day 4
Scripture focus: For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
I learned something about myself that shocked me. I discovered (with a lot of help from God and others) that when I am most afraid, I often look angry. This can really confuse others! I didn’t set out to be confusing. I simply did not know what I was truly feeling.
I am practicing a new thing. I am practicing disclosing to God, myself, and others my true feelings about a scary situation. This is a lot better than scaring everyone in the house with ranting and raving that really isn’t even the issue.
I used to have a tendency to rant and rave about once a month over shoes strewn about the house. This was unpleasant for everyone. Most days scattered shoes were only annoying to me if I tripped over them. Usually scattered shoes were like little love notes from my family to me. The gorgeous heels mean my daughter is home; the men’s dress shoes signal Scott is back in town; random pairs of giant-sized sneakers mean either Pete or Michael is home and not wearing any shoes (because they only wear one pair of shoes each for almost all occasions). These shoes are sweet little (and large) endearments. Most days. But on those days when I was freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional – a stray shoe was cause for alarm.
Now, instead of getting my freak on, I practice saying things like:
* “Today I am feeling scared/anxious/worried/afraid (choose the right one). I am feeling scared/anxious about ________. I could use your help. Could you make a quick pass through the downstairs and grab up any shoes that are scattered around? I know it’s kind of weird, but on days like today, for some reason, I feel less worried/anxious/afraid if the kitchen and den aren’t a mess. Thanks for helping me manage my environment while I’m working through my emotions.”
* “Hey, can you stick these shoes up in your room? It’s one of those days when I care about this, and I appreciate your doing this. It is a way you can care about me!”
I ask you – do you think everyone runs around, grabs up their shoes and puts them in neat rows in a closet? I don’t think so!! But whatever their response – I have honestly self-disclosed. Oddly enough, most days, that’s enough. In the act of self-disclosing, I actually reset my own thoughts. I realize what the kids have been telling me for years is true, “Mom, this cannot possibly be about the shoes!” (Don’t you just hate it when your kids are right?)
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Scripture focus: For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
I learned something about myself that shocked me. I discovered (with a lot of help from God and others) that when I am most afraid, I often look angry. This can really confuse others! I didn’t set out to be confusing. I simply did not know what I was truly feeling.
I am practicing a new thing. I am practicing disclosing to God, myself, and others my true feelings about a scary situation. This is a lot better than scaring everyone in the house with ranting and raving that really isn’t even the issue.
I used to have a tendency to rant and rave about once a month over shoes strewn about the house. This was unpleasant for everyone. Most days scattered shoes were only annoying to me if I tripped over them. Usually scattered shoes were like little love notes from my family to me. The gorgeous heels mean my daughter is home; the men’s dress shoes signal Scott is back in town; random pairs of giant-sized sneakers mean either Pete or Michael is home and not wearing any shoes (because they only wear one pair of shoes each for almost all occasions). These shoes are sweet little (and large) endearments. Most days. But on those days when I was freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional – a stray shoe was cause for alarm.
Now, instead of getting my freak on, I practice saying things like:
* “Today I am feeling scared/anxious/worried/afraid (choose the right one). I am feeling scared/anxious about ________. I could use your help. Could you make a quick pass through the downstairs and grab up any shoes that are scattered around? I know it’s kind of weird, but on days like today, for some reason, I feel less worried/anxious/afraid if the kitchen and den aren’t a mess. Thanks for helping me manage my environment while I’m working through my emotions.”
* “Hey, can you stick these shoes up in your room? It’s one of those days when I care about this, and I appreciate your doing this. It is a way you can care about me!”
I ask you – do you think everyone runs around, grabs up their shoes and puts them in neat rows in a closet? I don’t think so!! But whatever their response – I have honestly self-disclosed. Oddly enough, most days, that’s enough. In the act of self-disclosing, I actually reset my own thoughts. I realize what the kids have been telling me for years is true, “Mom, this cannot possibly be about the shoes!” (Don’t you just hate it when your kids are right?)
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Day 3
Scripture Focus: When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Psalm 32: 3-4 NLT
Terry Kellogg calls sadness the "healing feeling".
When we feel sad, it is one way our body is acknowledging our powerlessness.
Sadness is how healthy people respond to loss.
One healthy way to feel sad is to say, "I feel sad."
It is honest, real, and deep. It strengthens community.
When my mother-in-law died a few months ago, people said the darnedest things. My favorite was, "I feel sad, too." It helped me experience community, connection, and caring.
I really didn't need anyone else to tell me how I was feeling, or should feel, or what I should think, or what the next right step should be for me as a daughter-in-law. I appreciated all attempts to connect. But a simple response- when it was truthful- of "I feel sad too" on the part of others whose experiences were the same as my own was most healing.
It is healthy to express, name, and take responsibility for our own emotions. It might be wise to not speculate on the emotional state of others. Certainly it is foolish to take responsibility for someone else's emotions.
It is healthy to have an awareness of how we impact others. But we cannot accept responsibility for managing the emotions of anyone but ourselves.
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Day 2
Scripture Focus: When the storms of life come, the wicked are whirled away, but the godly have a lasting foundation. Proverbs 10:25 NLT
Healthy feelings management requires a commitment to living in the middle of the road- without under or over reaction. Suppose someone hurts my feelins. Here are some ways I could choose to respond:
- I could say to myself, "This shouldn't hurt my feelings. I'm a big girl. I should be more mature than this!"
- I could shout, "I am really, really angry about this!" and then seek vengeance. I could be agressive/passive-agressive/or simply passive. But in my hurt place, if I choose not to acknowledge that I am hurt, I might end up confused and might feel angry and vengeful.
- I could mope and play the victim. I could sleep too much or say I'm sick. I could tell everyone about how I got my feelings hurt.
- I could make the decision to never, ever put myself in a position of being vulnerable to hurt feelings again!
Or, I could:
- Acknowledge my hurt feelings.
- Spend a reasonable amount of time examining my feelings. (Remember, a good rule of thumb is this: feelings are guests who visit in order to teach us somethings about ourselves. They should show up, sit down with us for a good meal, and then leave after a polite an appropriate amount of time to visit.)
- Ask questions. What is going on with me? What have I learned about my relationship? Is this a legitimate wounding or might it be a triggering event intended to get my attention?
- Ask for help if I get stuck in my hurt place.
- After I have discovered the lessons I needed to learn, it may be healthy to have a discussion with others about the situation (people in my "hut" who need to know me really well, maybe even the person who triggered my hurt feelings.) The discussions are for my growth, not to wreak havok and mayhem.
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Day 1
Scripture focus: Hiding hatred makes you a liar; slandering others makes you a fool. Proverbs 10:19 NLT
Most everything that plagues us is improved through an appropriate recognition and processing of feelings.
Do you acknowledge when you are lonely? Honest, healthy lonely people simply tell the truth about their lonely feelings.
Healthy lonely people give themselves time to feel the emotion, think about the feeling, consider why and where the feeling comes from, and consider possible, carefully thought through responses to the emotion.
This is not the same thing as wallowing.
This is accepting, acknowledging, and taking responsibility for the emotion.
Suppose Pete goes through a season of traveling for work. I get lonely. What do I do about it? Do I pout? Do I withdraw when he is home? Do I over-work/over-eat/over-exercise/over-medicate/veg out on Veggie Tales?
Do I lash out, mope, whine, manipulate or pout?
Maybe! But when I choose the healthier path, I pause to prepare. I ask questions – of myself; after all, I am responsible for my feelings. I might ask:
Is he gone too much for us to create a healthy marriage and family?
Am I too dependent?
If I am lonely, something is not quite right. I will inventory MY LIFE to see if something is missing.
Is Pete’s travel the issue, or is it an excuse and distraction, keeping me from looking at how I am “spending” my life?
What do I need to change? What conversations should Pete and I have – so that he understands me and can join with me in looking at MY loneliness.
Day 1
Scripture focus: Hiding hatred makes you a liar; slandering others makes you a fool. Proverbs 10:19 NLT
Most everything that plagues us is improved through an appropriate recognition and processing of feelings.
Do you acknowledge when you are lonely? Honest, healthy lonely people simply tell the truth about their lonely feelings.
Healthy lonely people give themselves time to feel the emotion, think about the feeling, consider why and where the feeling comes from, and consider possible, carefully thought through responses to the emotion.
This is not the same thing as wallowing.
This is accepting, acknowledging, and taking responsibility for the emotion.
Suppose Pete goes through a season of traveling for work. I get lonely. What do I do about it? Do I pout? Do I withdraw when he is home? Do I over-work/over-eat/over-exercise/over-medicate/veg out on Veggie Tales?
Do I lash out, mope, whine, manipulate or pout?
Maybe! But when I choose the healthier path, I pause to prepare. I ask questions – of myself; after all, I am responsible for my feelings. I might ask:
Is he gone too much for us to create a healthy marriage and family?
Am I too dependent?
If I am lonely, something is not quite right. I will inventory MY LIFE to see if something is missing.
Is Pete’s travel the issue, or is it an excuse and distraction, keeping me from looking at how I am “spending” my life?
What do I need to change? What conversations should Pete and I have – so that he understands me and can join with me in looking at MY loneliness.
Day 31
Scripture focus: Does not wisdom call out? Does not understanding raise her voice? Proverbs 8:1 NIV
An inability to identify, express and appropriately interact with our feelings is a problem. Scott talked about how he sometimes feels like his emotions are an outside force; they overtake him. He feels as if there is nothing he can do.
He could have stuck with this story.
By engaging his faith, he allowed for a space of needed introspection and outside influence. As he explored the writings in scripture, prayed, and sought outside counsel, Scott moved beyond his limited understanding and strong feelings to a new and different point of view.
It has been a process.
I suspect Scott is always going to be a man who has strong emotions. I cannot imagine a day when he will not feel certain about what the General Manager should do to keep the Celtics in contention. He will always make outrageous statements about guys like Pete Carroll being glorified frat boys. He will be certain about what his father needs to do in order to improve his golf game. He will make us more thoughtful types roll our eyes. But he also warms a mother’s heart. I used to think the best of families were “good” ones. We missed that mark completely, but we sure do love the ride.
May each of our families strain our ears to hear the soft, loving voices of God’s Spirit, calling out in wisdom and understanding.
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Day 30
Scripture focus: Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death. Proverbs 7:27 NIV
We are all in denial.
No way, you say?
Are you uncomfortably aware that your marriage is crumbling, and your kid is hanging out on street corners? How can this be denial?
Part of denial involves our inability to figure out how our troubles happened.
Think about it like this. Scott starts hanging out with a girl who has a boyfriend far away. They click. Does Scott ever stop and ask, “Hmmmm. If I become her boyfriend, will I feel secure if we have to live far apart?”
Hindsight is a beautiful thing; but let’s face it, some things we can see coming a mile away.
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Scripture focus: Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death. Proverbs 7:27 NIV
We are all in denial.
No way, you say?
Are you uncomfortably aware that your marriage is crumbling, and your kid is hanging out on street corners? How can this be denial?
Part of denial involves our inability to figure out how our troubles happened.
Think about it like this. Scott starts hanging out with a girl who has a boyfriend far away. They click. Does Scott ever stop and ask, “Hmmmm. If I become her boyfriend, will I feel secure if we have to live far apart?”
Hindsight is a beautiful thing; but let’s face it, some things we can see coming a mile away.
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
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