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Day 4
Scripture focus: For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
I learned something about myself that shocked me. I discovered (with a lot of help from God and others) that when I am most afraid, I often look angry. This can really confuse others! I didn’t set out to be confusing. I simply did not know what I was truly feeling.
I am practicing a new thing. I am practicing disclosing to God, myself, and others my true feelings about a scary situation. This is a lot better than scaring everyone in the house with ranting and raving that really isn’t even the issue.
I used to have a tendency to rant and rave about once a month over shoes strewn about the house. This was unpleasant for everyone. Most days scattered shoes were only annoying to me if I tripped over them. Usually scattered shoes were like little love notes from my family to me. The gorgeous heels mean my daughter is home; the men’s dress shoes signal Scott is back in town; random pairs of giant-sized sneakers mean either Pete or Michael is home and not wearing any shoes (because they only wear one pair of shoes each for almost all occasions). These shoes are sweet little (and large) endearments. Most days. But on those days when I was freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional – a stray shoe was cause for alarm.
Now, instead of getting my freak on, I practice saying things like:
* “Today I am feeling scared/anxious/worried/afraid (choose the right one). I am feeling scared/anxious about ________. I could use your help. Could you make a quick pass through the downstairs and grab up any shoes that are scattered around? I know it’s kind of weird, but on days like today, for some reason, I feel less worried/anxious/afraid if the kitchen and den aren’t a mess. Thanks for helping me manage my environment while I’m working through my emotions.”
* “Hey, can you stick these shoes up in your room? It’s one of those days when I care about this, and I appreciate your doing this. It is a way you can care about me!”
I ask you – do you think everyone runs around, grabs up their shoes and puts them in neat rows in a closet? I don’t think so!! But whatever their response – I have honestly self-disclosed. Oddly enough, most days, that’s enough. In the act of self-disclosing, I actually reset my own thoughts. I realize what the kids have been telling me for years is true, “Mom, this cannot possibly be about the shoes!” (Don’t you just hate it when your kids are right?)
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Scripture focus: For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
I learned something about myself that shocked me. I discovered (with a lot of help from God and others) that when I am most afraid, I often look angry. This can really confuse others! I didn’t set out to be confusing. I simply did not know what I was truly feeling.
I am practicing a new thing. I am practicing disclosing to God, myself, and others my true feelings about a scary situation. This is a lot better than scaring everyone in the house with ranting and raving that really isn’t even the issue.
I used to have a tendency to rant and rave about once a month over shoes strewn about the house. This was unpleasant for everyone. Most days scattered shoes were only annoying to me if I tripped over them. Usually scattered shoes were like little love notes from my family to me. The gorgeous heels mean my daughter is home; the men’s dress shoes signal Scott is back in town; random pairs of giant-sized sneakers mean either Pete or Michael is home and not wearing any shoes (because they only wear one pair of shoes each for almost all occasions). These shoes are sweet little (and large) endearments. Most days. But on those days when I was freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional – a stray shoe was cause for alarm.
Now, instead of getting my freak on, I practice saying things like:
* “Today I am feeling scared/anxious/worried/afraid (choose the right one). I am feeling scared/anxious about ________. I could use your help. Could you make a quick pass through the downstairs and grab up any shoes that are scattered around? I know it’s kind of weird, but on days like today, for some reason, I feel less worried/anxious/afraid if the kitchen and den aren’t a mess. Thanks for helping me manage my environment while I’m working through my emotions.”
* “Hey, can you stick these shoes up in your room? It’s one of those days when I care about this, and I appreciate your doing this. It is a way you can care about me!”
I ask you – do you think everyone runs around, grabs up their shoes and puts them in neat rows in a closet? I don’t think so!! But whatever their response – I have honestly self-disclosed. Oddly enough, most days, that’s enough. In the act of self-disclosing, I actually reset my own thoughts. I realize what the kids have been telling me for years is true, “Mom, this cannot possibly be about the shoes!” (Don’t you just hate it when your kids are right?)
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Day 3
Scripture Focus: When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Psalm 32: 3-4 NLT
Terry Kellogg calls sadness the "healing feeling".
When we feel sad, it is one way our body is acknowledging our powerlessness.
Sadness is how healthy people respond to loss.
One healthy way to feel sad is to say, "I feel sad."
It is honest, real, and deep. It strengthens community.
When my mother-in-law died a few months ago, people said the darnedest things. My favorite was, "I feel sad, too." It helped me experience community, connection, and caring.
I really didn't need anyone else to tell me how I was feeling, or should feel, or what I should think, or what the next right step should be for me as a daughter-in-law. I appreciated all attempts to connect. But a simple response- when it was truthful- of "I feel sad too" on the part of others whose experiences were the same as my own was most healing.
It is healthy to express, name, and take responsibility for our own emotions. It might be wise to not speculate on the emotional state of others. Certainly it is foolish to take responsibility for someone else's emotions.
It is healthy to have an awareness of how we impact others. But we cannot accept responsibility for managing the emotions of anyone but ourselves.
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Day 2
Scripture Focus: When the storms of life come, the wicked are whirled away, but the godly have a lasting foundation. Proverbs 10:25 NLT
Healthy feelings management requires a commitment to living in the middle of the road- without under or over reaction. Suppose someone hurts my feelins. Here are some ways I could choose to respond:
- I could say to myself, "This shouldn't hurt my feelings. I'm a big girl. I should be more mature than this!"
- I could shout, "I am really, really angry about this!" and then seek vengeance. I could be agressive/passive-agressive/or simply passive. But in my hurt place, if I choose not to acknowledge that I am hurt, I might end up confused and might feel angry and vengeful.
- I could mope and play the victim. I could sleep too much or say I'm sick. I could tell everyone about how I got my feelings hurt.
- I could make the decision to never, ever put myself in a position of being vulnerable to hurt feelings again!
Or, I could:
- Acknowledge my hurt feelings.
- Spend a reasonable amount of time examining my feelings. (Remember, a good rule of thumb is this: feelings are guests who visit in order to teach us somethings about ourselves. They should show up, sit down with us for a good meal, and then leave after a polite an appropriate amount of time to visit.)
- Ask questions. What is going on with me? What have I learned about my relationship? Is this a legitimate wounding or might it be a triggering event intended to get my attention?
- Ask for help if I get stuck in my hurt place.
- After I have discovered the lessons I needed to learn, it may be healthy to have a discussion with others about the situation (people in my "hut" who need to know me really well, maybe even the person who triggered my hurt feelings.) The discussions are for my growth, not to wreak havok and mayhem.
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Day 1
Scripture focus: Hiding hatred makes you a liar; slandering others makes you a fool. Proverbs 10:19 NLT
Most everything that plagues us is improved through an appropriate recognition and processing of feelings.
Do you acknowledge when you are lonely? Honest, healthy lonely people simply tell the truth about their lonely feelings.
Healthy lonely people give themselves time to feel the emotion, think about the feeling, consider why and where the feeling comes from, and consider possible, carefully thought through responses to the emotion.
This is not the same thing as wallowing.
This is accepting, acknowledging, and taking responsibility for the emotion.
Suppose Pete goes through a season of traveling for work. I get lonely. What do I do about it? Do I pout? Do I withdraw when he is home? Do I over-work/over-eat/over-exercise/over-medicate/veg out on Veggie Tales?
Do I lash out, mope, whine, manipulate or pout?
Maybe! But when I choose the healthier path, I pause to prepare. I ask questions – of myself; after all, I am responsible for my feelings. I might ask:
Is he gone too much for us to create a healthy marriage and family?
Am I too dependent?
If I am lonely, something is not quite right. I will inventory MY LIFE to see if something is missing.
Is Pete’s travel the issue, or is it an excuse and distraction, keeping me from looking at how I am “spending” my life?
What do I need to change? What conversations should Pete and I have – so that he understands me and can join with me in looking at MY loneliness.
Day 1
Scripture focus: Hiding hatred makes you a liar; slandering others makes you a fool. Proverbs 10:19 NLT
Most everything that plagues us is improved through an appropriate recognition and processing of feelings.
Do you acknowledge when you are lonely? Honest, healthy lonely people simply tell the truth about their lonely feelings.
Healthy lonely people give themselves time to feel the emotion, think about the feeling, consider why and where the feeling comes from, and consider possible, carefully thought through responses to the emotion.
This is not the same thing as wallowing.
This is accepting, acknowledging, and taking responsibility for the emotion.
Suppose Pete goes through a season of traveling for work. I get lonely. What do I do about it? Do I pout? Do I withdraw when he is home? Do I over-work/over-eat/over-exercise/over-medicate/veg out on Veggie Tales?
Do I lash out, mope, whine, manipulate or pout?
Maybe! But when I choose the healthier path, I pause to prepare. I ask questions – of myself; after all, I am responsible for my feelings. I might ask:
Is he gone too much for us to create a healthy marriage and family?
Am I too dependent?
If I am lonely, something is not quite right. I will inventory MY LIFE to see if something is missing.
Is Pete’s travel the issue, or is it an excuse and distraction, keeping me from looking at how I am “spending” my life?
What do I need to change? What conversations should Pete and I have – so that he understands me and can join with me in looking at MY loneliness.
Day 31
Scripture focus: Does not wisdom call out? Does not understanding raise her voice? Proverbs 8:1 NIV
An inability to identify, express and appropriately interact with our feelings is a problem. Scott talked about how he sometimes feels like his emotions are an outside force; they overtake him. He feels as if there is nothing he can do.
He could have stuck with this story.
By engaging his faith, he allowed for a space of needed introspection and outside influence. As he explored the writings in scripture, prayed, and sought outside counsel, Scott moved beyond his limited understanding and strong feelings to a new and different point of view.
It has been a process.
I suspect Scott is always going to be a man who has strong emotions. I cannot imagine a day when he will not feel certain about what the General Manager should do to keep the Celtics in contention. He will always make outrageous statements about guys like Pete Carroll being glorified frat boys. He will be certain about what his father needs to do in order to improve his golf game. He will make us more thoughtful types roll our eyes. But he also warms a mother’s heart. I used to think the best of families were “good” ones. We missed that mark completely, but we sure do love the ride.
May each of our families strain our ears to hear the soft, loving voices of God’s Spirit, calling out in wisdom and understanding.
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Day 30
Scripture focus: Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death. Proverbs 7:27 NIV
We are all in denial.
No way, you say?
Are you uncomfortably aware that your marriage is crumbling, and your kid is hanging out on street corners? How can this be denial?
Part of denial involves our inability to figure out how our troubles happened.
Think about it like this. Scott starts hanging out with a girl who has a boyfriend far away. They click. Does Scott ever stop and ask, “Hmmmm. If I become her boyfriend, will I feel secure if we have to live far apart?”
Hindsight is a beautiful thing; but let’s face it, some things we can see coming a mile away.
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Scripture focus: Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death. Proverbs 7:27 NIV
We are all in denial.
No way, you say?
Are you uncomfortably aware that your marriage is crumbling, and your kid is hanging out on street corners? How can this be denial?
Part of denial involves our inability to figure out how our troubles happened.
Think about it like this. Scott starts hanging out with a girl who has a boyfriend far away. They click. Does Scott ever stop and ask, “Hmmmm. If I become her boyfriend, will I feel secure if we have to live far apart?”
Hindsight is a beautiful thing; but let’s face it, some things we can see coming a mile away.
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Day 29
Scripture focus: Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. Proverbs 7:26 NIV
If someone wants to victimize you, it will require your full cooperation.
Figuring out what is going not quite right is absolutely NOT the same thing as ascribing blame.
Once I was teaching a lesson on family systems, and some guy at the back of the room stood up and shouted in utter frustration, “I get all this! Tell me how to fix it!”
He was sincere but the way he glared down at his wife led me to intuit that perhaps he was playing the blame game.
I replied, “Go first.”
“What?” He squinted back at me, cupped his ear and tried to believe that he had misheard.
“You heard me. Go first. Be a man. Fix your part in the problem. See what happens.”
I never saw that guy again. Maybe he got busy and went first. Maybe he decided I didn’t have a clue.
When it gets right down to it, the only change we can ever truly control is the changes we make ourselves.
“A safe but sometimes chilly way of recalling the past is to force open a crammed drawer. If you are searching for anything in particular, you don’t find it, but something falls out at the back that is often more interesting.” J. M. Barrie, from the dedication to his first edition of Peter Pan.
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Scripture focus: Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. Proverbs 7:26 NIV
If someone wants to victimize you, it will require your full cooperation.
Figuring out what is going not quite right is absolutely NOT the same thing as ascribing blame.
Once I was teaching a lesson on family systems, and some guy at the back of the room stood up and shouted in utter frustration, “I get all this! Tell me how to fix it!”
He was sincere but the way he glared down at his wife led me to intuit that perhaps he was playing the blame game.
I replied, “Go first.”
“What?” He squinted back at me, cupped his ear and tried to believe that he had misheard.
“You heard me. Go first. Be a man. Fix your part in the problem. See what happens.”
I never saw that guy again. Maybe he got busy and went first. Maybe he decided I didn’t have a clue.
When it gets right down to it, the only change we can ever truly control is the changes we make ourselves.
“A safe but sometimes chilly way of recalling the past is to force open a crammed drawer. If you are searching for anything in particular, you don’t find it, but something falls out at the back that is often more interesting.” J. M. Barrie, from the dedication to his first edition of Peter Pan.
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Day 28
Scripture focus: Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say. Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. Proverbs 7:24-25 NIV
One of the skill differentiators between healthy and unwell families is the use of boundaries. Boundaries are best used with flexibility. Unfortunately, many of us either have too rigid or too diffuse boundaries.
Suppose grandma falls and breaks her hip. If she has too rigid boundaries, she tells everyone that she is fine and refuses all help. Too diffuse and she calls up her daughter in Poughkeepsie and says, “Sweetie, the time has come. I need you to leave your job, your husband, your seven children and three dogs, come to Richmond and take care of me. This is your duty. I’ll have my friend Nancy pick you up at the train station at three. Please wear that lovely blue suit I gave you for your birthday – you are completely helpless when it comes to fashion.”
Boundaries help our heart stay true to its calling.
Boundaries help us not wander over onto someone else’s path.
How are your boundaries? Might this be a subject worth exploring?
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Scripture focus: Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say. Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. Proverbs 7:24-25 NIV
One of the skill differentiators between healthy and unwell families is the use of boundaries. Boundaries are best used with flexibility. Unfortunately, many of us either have too rigid or too diffuse boundaries.
Suppose grandma falls and breaks her hip. If she has too rigid boundaries, she tells everyone that she is fine and refuses all help. Too diffuse and she calls up her daughter in Poughkeepsie and says, “Sweetie, the time has come. I need you to leave your job, your husband, your seven children and three dogs, come to Richmond and take care of me. This is your duty. I’ll have my friend Nancy pick you up at the train station at three. Please wear that lovely blue suit I gave you for your birthday – you are completely helpless when it comes to fashion.”
Boundaries help our heart stay true to its calling.
Boundaries help us not wander over onto someone else’s path.
How are your boundaries? Might this be a subject worth exploring?
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Day 27
Scripture focus: All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life. Proverbs 7:22-23 NIV
Unhealthy families, for a variety of reasons, often end up stepping into nooses without a clue as to how they got caught up in such costly mistakes. Healthy families divide up their structure and roles, integrating and creating a home in connection with each other. Unhealthy families are rigid, separately taking on functions, working in isolation. Here are some of the roles you can find in most typically unhealthy families:
* Someone in the family does a lot of stuff. They are the energizer bunny, and people often compliment them on their ability to be go-go-going. For a long time, the energizer preens in front of such adulation. He/she doesn’t notice that everyone else is sitting around eating popcorn and watching a movie. Eventually, Mr. or Mrs. Do-er feels tired, lonely, neglected, empty, disrespected.
* Someone in the family takes charge of loving, helping, enabling. They smooth out ruffled feathers and avoid conflict. This may morph into a lot of “doing” – but mostly this person fears that others will abandon the family or that the family cannot survive without them.
*The loner escapes. This isn’t the same as introversion, because it is accompanied by a deep sense of loneliness.
*The hero provides success for the family to bask in. He/she makes the family proud, but at great personal expense.
*The mascot provides comic relief. He/she is in charge of play. This person takes up the banner of fun as a fantastic escape from problems, and often judges others as too serious.
*The scapegoat takes on the unenviable position of black sheep.
*Favoritism is another role – maybe dad has a favorite little princess, or mom has a favorite little prince.
*One person may carry the banner of spirituality for the family.
In healthy families, these roles get mixed up and handed out, played out by all the members to various degrees at different times. Which kind of family is yours?
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Scripture focus: All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life. Proverbs 7:22-23 NIV
Unhealthy families, for a variety of reasons, often end up stepping into nooses without a clue as to how they got caught up in such costly mistakes. Healthy families divide up their structure and roles, integrating and creating a home in connection with each other. Unhealthy families are rigid, separately taking on functions, working in isolation. Here are some of the roles you can find in most typically unhealthy families:
* Someone in the family does a lot of stuff. They are the energizer bunny, and people often compliment them on their ability to be go-go-going. For a long time, the energizer preens in front of such adulation. He/she doesn’t notice that everyone else is sitting around eating popcorn and watching a movie. Eventually, Mr. or Mrs. Do-er feels tired, lonely, neglected, empty, disrespected.
* Someone in the family takes charge of loving, helping, enabling. They smooth out ruffled feathers and avoid conflict. This may morph into a lot of “doing” – but mostly this person fears that others will abandon the family or that the family cannot survive without them.
*The loner escapes. This isn’t the same as introversion, because it is accompanied by a deep sense of loneliness.
*The hero provides success for the family to bask in. He/she makes the family proud, but at great personal expense.
*The mascot provides comic relief. He/she is in charge of play. This person takes up the banner of fun as a fantastic escape from problems, and often judges others as too serious.
*The scapegoat takes on the unenviable position of black sheep.
*Favoritism is another role – maybe dad has a favorite little princess, or mom has a favorite little prince.
*One person may carry the banner of spirituality for the family.
In healthy families, these roles get mixed up and handed out, played out by all the members to various degrees at different times. Which kind of family is yours?
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Day 26
Scripture focus: With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. Proverbs 7:21 NIV
I used to believe that if Pete and I could create a “good” family, no one would go astray. Boy was I an idiot!
This week I had lunch with a friend who I think has created not only a “good” family structure but a great one. Our time together began with a recitation of the interesting situations her children had gotten themselves entangled in since last we lunched. These “entanglements” included handcuffs and tickets and a few other things that one doesn’t normally associate with “good” families (because, as I said, most of us are idiots!).
Does this alter my viewpoint about my friend? No way! In fact, it confirms my conviction. As a healthy family, she and her brood have experienced problems and stress but have handled them in a healthy way.
She and her husband talk about problems; they make adjustments; they admit when a symptom indicates a need for change; they talk to the kids about the changes they are making; they admit their stress without wallowing in it – they take appropriate action; they make it easy for their kids to admit problems too; they teach their kids how to be problem solvers, not royalty in the family system of denial.
Healthy families:
* Provide safety, warmth, nurturance to all members
* Create a sense of community, belonging, loving
* Foster autonomy
* Promote self-respect in all members
* Make mistakes without making it a federal offense
* Have fun
* Are spiritual
As you might suspect, unhealthy families have a different kind of list. To be continued…
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Scripture focus: With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. Proverbs 7:21 NIV
I used to believe that if Pete and I could create a “good” family, no one would go astray. Boy was I an idiot!
This week I had lunch with a friend who I think has created not only a “good” family structure but a great one. Our time together began with a recitation of the interesting situations her children had gotten themselves entangled in since last we lunched. These “entanglements” included handcuffs and tickets and a few other things that one doesn’t normally associate with “good” families (because, as I said, most of us are idiots!).
Does this alter my viewpoint about my friend? No way! In fact, it confirms my conviction. As a healthy family, she and her brood have experienced problems and stress but have handled them in a healthy way.
She and her husband talk about problems; they make adjustments; they admit when a symptom indicates a need for change; they talk to the kids about the changes they are making; they admit their stress without wallowing in it – they take appropriate action; they make it easy for their kids to admit problems too; they teach their kids how to be problem solvers, not royalty in the family system of denial.
Healthy families:
* Provide safety, warmth, nurturance to all members
* Create a sense of community, belonging, loving
* Foster autonomy
* Promote self-respect in all members
* Make mistakes without making it a federal offense
* Have fun
* Are spiritual
As you might suspect, unhealthy families have a different kind of list. To be continued…
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Day 25
Scripture focus: She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: “I have fellowship offerings at home; today I fulfilled my vows. So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you! I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. Come, let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love! My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.” Proverbs 7:13-20 NIV
What is it exactly about this seduction that makes it so….seductive? It isn’t the sheets!
It probably is related to:
* Temporary reduction in anxiety
* Temporary distraction from stress
* Temporary feelings of power/control and well-being
* An opportunity to avoid and address our true feelings
* A way to avoid developmental responsibilities
* A distraction from problems
* Avoidance of intimacy
I bet Pete would prefer that I put on a brazen face, kiss and hold him, and offer him all sorts of opportunities to cavort on colored linens from Egypt. But the real deal is this: our bed is currently piled high with about 16 loads of clothes that need folding. We could take a walk down to the street corner, but we wouldn’t make it and here’s why: our lawn needs water, the grass needs cutting and the rose bushes need a trim.
The only cinnamon we see is what I sprinkle in the oatmeal we eat while swallowing our cholesterol meds and working the daily crossword puzzle in an attempt to keep dementia at bay.
But I will tell you this: life is sweet many (not all) days at our house. Our recovery community continues to teach us how to avoid the long journey of denial and walk the road to recovery. It’s the good life. Not perfect, not without lapses, but good.
May we all find our way back home.
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Scripture focus: She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: “I have fellowship offerings at home; today I fulfilled my vows. So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you! I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. Come, let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love! My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.” Proverbs 7:13-20 NIV
What is it exactly about this seduction that makes it so….seductive? It isn’t the sheets!
It probably is related to:
* Temporary reduction in anxiety
* Temporary distraction from stress
* Temporary feelings of power/control and well-being
* An opportunity to avoid and address our true feelings
* A way to avoid developmental responsibilities
* A distraction from problems
* Avoidance of intimacy
I bet Pete would prefer that I put on a brazen face, kiss and hold him, and offer him all sorts of opportunities to cavort on colored linens from Egypt. But the real deal is this: our bed is currently piled high with about 16 loads of clothes that need folding. We could take a walk down to the street corner, but we wouldn’t make it and here’s why: our lawn needs water, the grass needs cutting and the rose bushes need a trim.
The only cinnamon we see is what I sprinkle in the oatmeal we eat while swallowing our cholesterol meds and working the daily crossword puzzle in an attempt to keep dementia at bay.
But I will tell you this: life is sweet many (not all) days at our house. Our recovery community continues to teach us how to avoid the long journey of denial and walk the road to recovery. It’s the good life. Not perfect, not without lapses, but good.
May we all find our way back home.
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Day 24
Scripture focus: Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent. (She is loud and defiant, her feet never stay at home; now in the street, now in the squares, at every corner she lurks.) Proverbs 7:10-12 NIV
In case you’ve never hooked up with a prostitute, please allow me to provide some alternative dangerously addictive comforts that might be substituted in these verses to give us a more personal connection: alcohol, prescription and/or nonprescription drugs, illegal drugs, food, tv, sex, work, spending, hoarding, stress, exercise, reading, risky behaviors, nicotine, caffeine, relationships, power, sleep, gambling, etc.
Is it possible that forces with crafty intent are finding a receptive audience in your heart?
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Day 23
Scripture focus: He (a youth) was going down the street near her corner, walking along in the direction of her house at twilight, as the day was fading, as the dark of night set in. Proverbs 7:8-9 NIV
Some parenting philosophies suggest that we protect our children, teaching them to avoid corners where temptation lurks. Pete and I haven’t really ascribed to this theory. Our fasciculous retroflexeses are in working order (that neurological super speedy highway between the mid-brain the prefrontal cortex which helps us think about cause and effect, delayed gratification, etc.) and that means that although we seriously considered chaining our children to their bedposts until they were thirty in order to avoid evil doing, we feared that this would leave them with a limited sense of freedom. Frankly, we were afraid that once we cut them loose they would go no farther than the kitchen, maybe the den. We really didn’t want to be cleaning up ramon noodle wrappers each morning or picking up empty Cheerwine bottles off the coffee table when our kids were old enough to apply for Social Security.
Lapses in judgment, symptoms of unwellness, relationship malfunctions and all the other “isms” that plague us often start as normal, developmental responses to life stress. Often our symptoms are a treatment strategy for avoiding pain and suffering.
Growing up with require that we get serious about facing our problems; faith provides us a framework to do so that is both hopeful and healing.
Clearly, all children will one day walk down the street. Maybe it will be at twilight, as the dark of night is setting in. They will feel lonely, and in need of companionship. They will feel tempted to seek the comfort that is available and inviting. Delaying gratification, trusting God to provide, might be concepts best embraced in the light. Darkness clouds the vision. They will have some choices to make, and it will be most helpful if they have a real sense of community to reach out to…..or should I say “we”?
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Day 22
Scripture focus: At the window of my house I looked out through the lattice. I saw among the simple, I noticed among the young men, a youth who lacked judgment. Proverbs 7:6-7
One of the snares common to man is the propensity to judge. Proverbs, read improperly, can foster that inclination. Scott learned that taking the writings of scripture and praying them personally certainly puts a new spin on things. Here’s how this one could read (from my perspective): At the window of the neighbor’s house, he/she looked out through the lattice. He/she saw among the simple, he/she noticed among them Teresa – a person too old to be mistaken for a youth, but one who acted like a youth – she (Teresa) lacked judgment. Ahhhh…this changes things, does it not? We eliminate the need to discuss the waywardness of the youth today and how different it was “back in the day” and instead, we focus on our life on this particular day. A second snare waiting to grab us is the feeling of shame (a belief that we are broken, terminally unique, badder than the baddest person in town, unforgivable, irreparable, a reprobate). Frankly, swallowing this emotion whole without doing an appropriate fact check is irresponsible. And although lack of judgment and irresponsibility are natural, normal, developmentally appropriate stages in the life of a youth – unless you are still at the point where you must get a stranger to pick you up a six pack at the local store because you left your fake ID in your jeans that your Mama just washed – when we grow up, part of maturation will require that we learn how to live responsibly and acquire the capacity to use good judgment. The third snare is family dysfunction. There are symptoms that we develop when we grow up in a family that does not teach us how to have reasonably healthy coping strategies, provide us with a profound sense of security, and inspire us to reach for the stars (because we were created for such things – not in a vain attempt to win parental notice or approval). These symptoms might include: psychiatric and stress disorders, substance abuse, addictions to depression, phobias, anxiety, personality disorders, sexual dysfunction, intimacy issues, hyper-activity, compulsions, obsessions and more. This does NOT mean that healthy families never have problems – they do (see list above). But in unhealthy families, we are less like to name, address, resolve, and move through our issues. Recently I spoke at a conference where there was a strong medical presence representing the recovery movement. They grilled me – at length – about the need for a spiritual component to the recovery process. Many of these fine men and women, working on the front lines of addiction treatment day after day, wanted to make sure that I understood the physiological component of addiction (I know. You could’ve told them about how I harp on this, right?) I nodded in assent and with sincere appreciation thanked them for continuing to teach us all about how we can better overcome substance abuse. But what I’d like to add to that comment is this: every life choice, problem, issue, concern, bad break, disease, blessing and curse that comes down the pike is better understood, addressed, coped with and healed when we live as spiritual beings. People with cancer who have strong faiths reportedly do better than cancer patients with no faith. Scott had a series of tough breaks and a lapse in judgment that turned into a huge opportunity to grow and learn because he engaged his faith, perhaps sidestepping further snares. His faith did not act as a shield from youthful indiscretion, but it gave him a way to understand God, himself and others that was comforting and informative. May we all continue to lean into the word of God.
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Day 21
Scripture focus: Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,” and call understanding your kinsman; they will keep you from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words. Proverbs 7:4-5 NIV
John and Linda Friel have researched and documented this material in a book, Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families. As we study what it looks like to life dysfunctionally, I ask you to consider the call of God’s word and his sweet mercy. Our goal is not to wallow in our limitations, but to tell the truth about the symptoms in our lives that indicate our need for God’s healing powers. Adult children of dysfunctional families may experience:
*Pivotal times in our life (ages 28, 39, 47) when there is a greater intensity, pain and confusion about ourselves, our purpose, and our ability to cope such that we need to seek help beyond ourselves.
* Prone to covetousness, desiring to be like “her” or “him”.
* Believe that we are unlovable if people knew the real us.
* We are distant, detached, fearful of relationship even with those we love – especially children.
* Believe in the illusion of a “perfect” life until one of our own children gets into trouble.
* Unable to achieve our potential – under-employed, aimless.
* Tend toward addictions.
* Suffer migraines, over-exercise, eating disordered.
* Come from highly dysfunctional, chaotic families (addicted, abusive).
* Paralyzed as a result of subtle, covert dysfunction from our family of origin that we can’t quite name.
* Compared unfavorably to higher achieving siblings; feel guilty or jealous of siblings.
* Walked on eggshells in childhood, neglected or fearful, insecure regarding family stability.
* May have had a lot of material goods without physical or emotional support of parents.
* Spoiled or smothered by misguided love, seduced to stay in the family circle while peers are living adult lives; demand love from others.
* Afraid of authority figures or people are afraid of us; hate others who are different from us.
* Irresponsible with self-care, over-responsible with caretaking of others.
* Despise religion or atheism-fear God or expect him to take care of us.
* Experience abuse as adults – either abused or abusive.
* Limited range of emotional expression- roller coasters or emotionless; suffer from rage or depression.
* Either try too hard or too little; workaholic; never satisfied; suffer as much as we can.
* Try to look “picture perfect”; study others to determine what is “normal”.
* Hate one parent, over-protect the other.
Our childish ways of protecting ourselves are no longer helpful to us as adults – but we keep using these out-dated methodologies. Something needs to change. We need to consider the possibility that it is time to grow wise, mature, and follow God’s call for holy living (holiness – living with nothing hidden).
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Scripture focus: Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,” and call understanding your kinsman; they will keep you from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words. Proverbs 7:4-5 NIV
John and Linda Friel have researched and documented this material in a book, Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families. As we study what it looks like to life dysfunctionally, I ask you to consider the call of God’s word and his sweet mercy. Our goal is not to wallow in our limitations, but to tell the truth about the symptoms in our lives that indicate our need for God’s healing powers. Adult children of dysfunctional families may experience:
*Pivotal times in our life (ages 28, 39, 47) when there is a greater intensity, pain and confusion about ourselves, our purpose, and our ability to cope such that we need to seek help beyond ourselves.
* Prone to covetousness, desiring to be like “her” or “him”.
* Believe that we are unlovable if people knew the real us.
* We are distant, detached, fearful of relationship even with those we love – especially children.
* Believe in the illusion of a “perfect” life until one of our own children gets into trouble.
* Unable to achieve our potential – under-employed, aimless.
* Tend toward addictions.
* Suffer migraines, over-exercise, eating disordered.
* Come from highly dysfunctional, chaotic families (addicted, abusive).
* Paralyzed as a result of subtle, covert dysfunction from our family of origin that we can’t quite name.
* Compared unfavorably to higher achieving siblings; feel guilty or jealous of siblings.
* Walked on eggshells in childhood, neglected or fearful, insecure regarding family stability.
* May have had a lot of material goods without physical or emotional support of parents.
* Spoiled or smothered by misguided love, seduced to stay in the family circle while peers are living adult lives; demand love from others.
* Afraid of authority figures or people are afraid of us; hate others who are different from us.
* Irresponsible with self-care, over-responsible with caretaking of others.
* Despise religion or atheism-fear God or expect him to take care of us.
* Experience abuse as adults – either abused or abusive.
* Limited range of emotional expression- roller coasters or emotionless; suffer from rage or depression.
* Either try too hard or too little; workaholic; never satisfied; suffer as much as we can.
* Try to look “picture perfect”; study others to determine what is “normal”.
* Hate one parent, over-protect the other.
Our childish ways of protecting ourselves are no longer helpful to us as adults – but we keep using these out-dated methodologies. Something needs to change. We need to consider the possibility that it is time to grow wise, mature, and follow God’s call for holy living (holiness – living with nothing hidden).
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Day 20
Scripture focus: Bind them [God’s commands] on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 7:3 NIV
Clearly, the most obvious commandment of all is to love God and others (as we love ourselves). (The assumption in this statement is that we do, in fact, love ourselves. The presumption is that we know how to love ourselves – appropriate self-care – in a healthy way.)
My closest friends, those who co-parented with Pete and I, are getting old. It is with this experiential background that I can say to you with complete confidence – I agree with Scott when he said, “One struggle I find in applying these passages on wisdom pertains to the fact that I am not always aware of the wisest action in a given situation. Scripture consistently preaches the importance of staying wise, keeping one’s head, but that, like many things, is easier said than done.”
Loving our children, amazingly enough, is easier said than done.
This is true in every family. No one is immune. Norman Rockwell’s beautiful depictions of the perfect family are fiction, works of art. My friend the artist has tutored me on the life of an artist. She paints over imperfections. She starts a canvas and sometimes covers up her first, second and twelfth attempts. As families, we do not have this luxury. I cannot learn my lessons as a parent and then turn back the clock and start over with my children.
Blessings upon blessings, it has been in the field of study of the addicted family system that we have had the most opportunity to learn from our mistakes. Isn’t this amazing? I love how God works!
The remainder of the month will be a peek into the kinds of kids that addicted families are prone to create (with the blessed underlying assumption that God’s grace is more than sufficient to overcome our human limitations).
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Day 19
Scripture focus: Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye. Proverbs 7:2 NIV
Scott and I have a deeper bond than mother and son. We are also brothers and sisters in Christ; co-laborers in the fields ripe for the harvest. We are joined by a connection that reaches back to the beginning of time. Both come from the imagination of God – who created us as humans who bear the image of our heavenly Father. From this perspective, I am old enough to realize that sometimes we must tumble before we triumph; victory is not always sweet, but mostly sweaty. Scripture teaches us that we enter into the refiner’s fire more than we march like little soldiers in blind compliance to the instructions of a God who prefers obedience over sacrifice (see Micah 6:6-9 for what God really prefers).
It aggravates me when my kids forget to write thank you notes or hang out with girls that have boyfriends back home. I am prone to confusion and may see their lapses in judgment as something I am responsible for unless I continue to remember who I am responsible to (ultimately mostly God).
Notice the subtle shift when I realign my perspective.
No longer am I the guardian of my children’s choices. Suddenly, the focus shifts to my choices as a mother who is responsible to model, guide and instruct.
Oh Lord, have I kept your commands? Am I living in tune with the unforced rhythms of your grace, guided by the voice of the Holy Spirit? Have I guarded your teachings as the apple of my eye?
Inevitably, I discover that the best I can do for my children is to take responsibility for myself. Do you sense my heavy sigh? My children’s stories fascinate and intrigue me. I never tire of studying them. Returning to the place of honest self-reflection is less fascinating and more frustrating than I would care to admit.
More on why our children benefit from less obsessive parenting and more obedience on the part of their parental units tomorrow…
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Scripture focus: Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye. Proverbs 7:2 NIV
Scott and I have a deeper bond than mother and son. We are also brothers and sisters in Christ; co-laborers in the fields ripe for the harvest. We are joined by a connection that reaches back to the beginning of time. Both come from the imagination of God – who created us as humans who bear the image of our heavenly Father. From this perspective, I am old enough to realize that sometimes we must tumble before we triumph; victory is not always sweet, but mostly sweaty. Scripture teaches us that we enter into the refiner’s fire more than we march like little soldiers in blind compliance to the instructions of a God who prefers obedience over sacrifice (see Micah 6:6-9 for what God really prefers).
It aggravates me when my kids forget to write thank you notes or hang out with girls that have boyfriends back home. I am prone to confusion and may see their lapses in judgment as something I am responsible for unless I continue to remember who I am responsible to (ultimately mostly God).
Notice the subtle shift when I realign my perspective.
No longer am I the guardian of my children’s choices. Suddenly, the focus shifts to my choices as a mother who is responsible to model, guide and instruct.
Oh Lord, have I kept your commands? Am I living in tune with the unforced rhythms of your grace, guided by the voice of the Holy Spirit? Have I guarded your teachings as the apple of my eye?
Inevitably, I discover that the best I can do for my children is to take responsibility for myself. Do you sense my heavy sigh? My children’s stories fascinate and intrigue me. I never tire of studying them. Returning to the place of honest self-reflection is less fascinating and more frustrating than I would care to admit.
More on why our children benefit from less obsessive parenting and more obedience on the part of their parental units tomorrow…
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Day 18
Scripture focus: My son, keep my words and store up my commands within you. Proverbs 7:1 NIV
Our family has long believed in the concept of co-parenting. One of our friends who joined the team that co-parented Scott was Tom. Tom has a saying, “I find that parenting our children is less about what they learn from us, and more about what we learn from them.” Of course, Tom and the rest of us only came to this marvelous insight after our kids left for college and we resumed the luxury of sleeping through the night.
Long before our children taught us differently, Pete and I thought that one of our responsibilities as parents was to teach our children how to behave. Concepts like: good manners, talking to folks and maintaining eye contact, not poking their siblings’ eyes out with pointy sticks – stuff like that – all seemed very important. And they were! Families who fail to pay attention to modeling, guiding and instructing kids in the fine art of getting along with others often end up with hooligans (or kids who act like they are the parents of their parents) for children.
Parents have a responsibility to their children. But parents are not responsible for the outcome.
Although I would love for my children to learn all of life’s lessons via text message or video – without having to get personally involved in the messiness of life, I know this is not meant to be. Of course, it would be nice if children behaved – even the adult ones.
But the truth is, what I truly value (on days when I am feeling mature and faith-filled) is not so much behaving as believing. I appreciate Scott’s story on many levels, but mostly I appreciate how he engaged his faith in the process and faced his own humanity head on. Would it have been better for him to have taken this class and learned how to seek wisdom through scripture reading and new forms of prayer BEFORE he made his choice with regards to hanging out with a very cute girl who broke his heart? A mother’s heart says yes.
More on why I am not sure that a mother’s heart is the best place to look for answers in tomorrow’s devotional.
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Scripture focus: My son, keep my words and store up my commands within you. Proverbs 7:1 NIV
Our family has long believed in the concept of co-parenting. One of our friends who joined the team that co-parented Scott was Tom. Tom has a saying, “I find that parenting our children is less about what they learn from us, and more about what we learn from them.” Of course, Tom and the rest of us only came to this marvelous insight after our kids left for college and we resumed the luxury of sleeping through the night.
Long before our children taught us differently, Pete and I thought that one of our responsibilities as parents was to teach our children how to behave. Concepts like: good manners, talking to folks and maintaining eye contact, not poking their siblings’ eyes out with pointy sticks – stuff like that – all seemed very important. And they were! Families who fail to pay attention to modeling, guiding and instructing kids in the fine art of getting along with others often end up with hooligans (or kids who act like they are the parents of their parents) for children.
Parents have a responsibility to their children. But parents are not responsible for the outcome.
Although I would love for my children to learn all of life’s lessons via text message or video – without having to get personally involved in the messiness of life, I know this is not meant to be. Of course, it would be nice if children behaved – even the adult ones.
But the truth is, what I truly value (on days when I am feeling mature and faith-filled) is not so much behaving as believing. I appreciate Scott’s story on many levels, but mostly I appreciate how he engaged his faith in the process and faced his own humanity head on. Would it have been better for him to have taken this class and learned how to seek wisdom through scripture reading and new forms of prayer BEFORE he made his choice with regards to hanging out with a very cute girl who broke his heart? A mother’s heart says yes.
More on why I am not sure that a mother’s heart is the best place to look for answers in tomorrow’s devotional.
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Day 18
Scripture focus: My son, keep my words and store up my commands within you. Proverbs 7:1 NIV
Our family has long believed in the concept of co-parenting. One of our friends who joined the team that co-parented Scott was Tom. Tom has a saying, “I find that parenting our children is less about what they learn from us, and more about what we learn from them.” Of course, Tom and the rest of us only came to this marvelous insight after our kids left for college and we resumed the luxury of sleeping through the night.
Long before our children taught us differently, Pete and I thought that one of our responsibilities as parents was to teach our children how to behave. Concepts like: good manners, talking to folks and maintaining eye contact, not poking their siblings’ eyes out with pointy sticks – stuff like that – all seemed very important. And they were! Families who fail to pay attention to modeling, guiding and instructing kids in the fine art of getting along with others often end up with hooligans (or kids who act like they are the parents of their parents) for children.
Parents have a responsibility to their children. But parents are not responsible for the outcome.
Although I would love for my children to learn all of life’s lessons via text message or video – without having to get personally involved in the messiness of life, I know this is not meant to be. Of course, it would be nice if children behaved – even the adult ones.
But the truth is, what I truly value (on days when I am feeling mature and faith-filled) is not so much behaving as believing. I appreciate Scott’s story on many levels, but mostly I appreciate how he engaged his faith in the process and faced his own humanity head on. Would it have been better for him to have taken this class and learned how to seek wisdom through scripture reading and new forms of prayer BEFORE he made his choice with regards to hanging out with a very cute girl who broke his heart? A mother’s heart says yes.
More on why I am not sure that a mother’s heart is the best place to look for answers in tomorrow’s devotional.
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Scripture focus: My son, keep my words and store up my commands within you. Proverbs 7:1 NIV
Our family has long believed in the concept of co-parenting. One of our friends who joined the team that co-parented Scott was Tom. Tom has a saying, “I find that parenting our children is less about what they learn from us, and more about what we learn from them.” Of course, Tom and the rest of us only came to this marvelous insight after our kids left for college and we resumed the luxury of sleeping through the night.
Long before our children taught us differently, Pete and I thought that one of our responsibilities as parents was to teach our children how to behave. Concepts like: good manners, talking to folks and maintaining eye contact, not poking their siblings’ eyes out with pointy sticks – stuff like that – all seemed very important. And they were! Families who fail to pay attention to modeling, guiding and instructing kids in the fine art of getting along with others often end up with hooligans (or kids who act like they are the parents of their parents) for children.
Parents have a responsibility to their children. But parents are not responsible for the outcome.
Although I would love for my children to learn all of life’s lessons via text message or video – without having to get personally involved in the messiness of life, I know this is not meant to be. Of course, it would be nice if children behaved – even the adult ones.
But the truth is, what I truly value (on days when I am feeling mature and faith-filled) is not so much behaving as believing. I appreciate Scott’s story on many levels, but mostly I appreciate how he engaged his faith in the process and faced his own humanity head on. Would it have been better for him to have taken this class and learned how to seek wisdom through scripture reading and new forms of prayer BEFORE he made his choice with regards to hanging out with a very cute girl who broke his heart? A mother’s heart says yes.
More on why I am not sure that a mother’s heart is the best place to look for answers in tomorrow’s devotional.
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
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