July 22

Scripture focus: By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us--set us right with him, make us fit for him--we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand--out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary--we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. Now that we are set right with God by means of this sacrificial death, the consummate blood sacrifice, there is no longer a question of being at odds with God in any way. If, when we were at our worst, we were put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death of his Son, now that we're at our best, just think of how our lives will expand and deepen by means of his resurrection life! Now that we have actually received this amazing friendship with God, we are no longer content to simply say it in plodding prose. We sing and shout our praises to God through Jesus, the Messiah! Romans 5:1-11 (The Message)

Ways we prove our need for a Messiah:

• Physical abuse -- the use of physical power to control, manipulate, or intimidate another person.
• Verbal abuse -- the use of verbal power to control, manipulate, or intimidate another person.
• Emotional abuse -- tearing down of another person by rejecting, ignoring, terrorizing, isolating or corrupting them.
• Spiritual abuse -- distorting the word or character of God from a position of spiritual power, position or information to control, intimidate or manipulate others.

If you or someone you love is suffering as a result of abuse (either as inflicted or inflictor), understand that it is not okay to plod along without acknowledging the truth of the situation. This may require some professional support and careful intervention. Ask for help.

Recommended reading: 1 Samuel 7-9

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© Copyright 2009 NorthStar Community

July 21 - Does abuse define who you are?

Scripture focus: That famous promise God gave Abraham--that he and his children would possess the earth--was not given because of something Abraham did or would do. It was based on God's decision to put everything together for him, which Abraham then entered when he believed. If those who get what God gives them only get it by doing everything they are told to do and filling out all the right forms properly signed, that eliminates personal trust completely and turns the promise into an ironclad contract! That's not a holy promise; that's a business deal. A contract drawn up by a hard-nosed lawyer and with plenty of fine print only makes sure that you will never be able to collect. But if there is no contract in the first place, simply a promise--and God's promise at that--you can't break it. This is why the fulfillment of God's promise depends entirely on trusting God and his way, and then simply embracing him and what he does. God's promise arrives as pure gift. That's the only way everyone can be sure to get in on it, those who keep the religious traditions and those who have never heard of them. For Abraham is father of us all. He is not our racial father--that's reading the story backward. He is our faith father. We call Abraham "father" not because he got God's attention by living like a saint, but because God made something out of Abraham when he was a nobody. Isn't that what we've always read in Scripture, God saying to Abraham, "I set you up as father of many peoples"? Abraham was first named "father" and then became a father because he dared to trust God to do what only God could do: raise the dead to life, with a word make something out of nothing. When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God said he would do. And so he was made father of a multitude of peoples. God himself said to him, "You're going to have a big family, Abraham!" Abraham didn't focus on his own impotence and say, "It's hopeless. This hundred-year-old body could never father a child." Nor did he survey Sarah's decades of infertility and give up. He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said. That's why it is said, "Abraham was declared fit before God by trusting God to set him right." But it's not just Abraham; it's also us! The same thing gets said about us when we embrace and believe the One who brought Jesus to life when the conditions were equally hopeless. The sacrificed Jesus made us fit for God, set us right with God. Romans 4:12-25 (The Message)

Physical, spiritual, verbal, and emotional abuse leave the abused feeling impotent. I've also had abusers report that they also feel powerless to stop these behaviors that they know are wrong. Isn't it great that God doesn't expect us to live well before he'll choose to love us? Abuse is serious business. But it does not have to become a defining moment for either abused or abuser.

Recommended reading: 1 Samuel 4-6

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© Copyright 2009 NorthStar Community

July 20 - Abuse

Scripture focus: David confirms this way of looking at it, saying that the one who trusts God to do the putting-everything-right without insisting on having a say in it is one fortunate man: Fortunate those whose crimes are carted off, whose sins are wiped clean from the slate. Fortunate the person against whom the Lord does not keep score. Romans 4:6-9

• Between 25 and 30 percent of all children suffer physical abuse.

Yesterday I witnessed a father pick up his young son by the neck of his shirt, shake him, draw his face to him nose-to-nose, and scream at him for acting his age. This little tyke did a dangerous thing -- he ran out into a busy parking lot. I know the dad was frightened. But his reaction to his stress may be causing as much harm as a spin in traffic without a helmet. He physically abused his son. This fundamentally changes how this child will view his world and his place in God's grand epic adventures.

• 31% of adult women in the United States will experience one episode of violence at the hands of a husband or partner. Every day more than three women are murdered by their significant other. Pregnant women are more likely to be murdered than die of complications related to pregnancy. Abuse can occur without leaving a mark on the victim.

But when abuse occurs, it causes great harm to the spirit. If you experience abuse or become abusive, then acknowledging the truth of this is a much needed first step to recovery. Abuse is never okay. Whether you see a mark on your skin or not, it is a killer of the abundant life.

We are fortunate that God does not keep score. But this does not mean that we should not act in the face of abuse. Sometimes we don't have the way or the means to intercede. But one thing we can all do is carry a message of hope to the hurting -- whether victim or victimizer.

God doesn't keep score. He wipes our slate full of sin clean.

But in order for him to act, we must first trust. We must confess our sin without insisting on having a say in how God chooses to put things right. We don't get to excuse the sins of self or others with pithy platitudes.

We must acknowledge the reality of sin, and trust God to show us the next right step.

Betrayal, trauma and grief aren't cured by time. They are healed by using our time wisely -- trusting God with the truth of our suffering and seeking help from those whom God uses as his instruments of restoration.

Recommended reading: 1 Samuel 1-3

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© Copyright 2009 NorthStar Community

July 19 - Powerless but not without resources

Scripture focus: So how do we fit what we know of Abraham, our first father in the faith, into this new way of looking at things? If Abraham, by what he did for God, got God to approve him, he could certainly have taken credit for it. But the story we're given is a God-story, not an Abraham-story. What we read in Scripture is, "Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own." If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it--you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked--well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift. Romans 4:1-5 (The Message)

I don't know how to recover life after severe crisis, trauma, betrayal and grief. Oh sure, I can study the stages of grief and memorize all the scripture verses that speak to me about how God comforts us, heals us, restores us and transforms us. I love the image in scripture of my youth being renewed. I enjoy good news. What I cannot do is take the good news out of my head and plant it into my heart.

Only God does that. It is a sheer gift.

For those of us who have been used to working hard and receiving our daily wage, it might come as quite a shock when we are faced with trials and tribulations that leave us powerless. It's times like this, when a job seems too big, that we are tempted to run from the reality that there are some things that only God can do. We employ all our coping strategies and go out in search of new, improved models for coping. For the smaller sufferings, perhaps this helps. But for the really big stuff -- only trusting God to do in and through and with us what we cannot do for ourselves will suffice. Those of us who prefer to pay our own way and refuse to trust God are forced to accommodate reality -- and deny the severity of the circumstance -- if we want to handle our burdens on our own.

For the next few days, we will explore some of the types of abuses that are occurring on a daily basis in homes across the country, situations that cannot be patched up with a few improved coping strategies and they will refuse to be denied or ignored.

I present these to you with a request. As you study, ask yourself if any of these situations apply to you or someone you love. Consider whether this might be one of those situations -- the kind that will require a sheer gift from God in order to restore peace.

Recommended reading: Ephesians 4-6

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© Copyright 2009 NorthStar Community

July 18 - Stuck in grief mode

Scripture focus: "If you grow a healthy tree, you'll pick healthy fruit. If you grow a diseased tree, you'll pick worm-eaten fruit. The fruit tells you about the tree. You have minds like a snake pit! How do you suppose what you say is worth anything when you are so foul-minded? It's your heart, not the dictionary, that gives meaning to your words. A good person produces good deeds and words season after season. An evil person is a blight on the orchard. Let me tell you something: Every one of these careless words is going to come back to haunt you. There will be a time of Reckoning. Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation." Matthew 12:33-37 (The Message)

Traumatic circumstances and unexpected losses -- especially when betrayal is an element of the story -- can produce an extreme form of grief. This can mimic the indicators of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Examples include: extreme emotional responses, survivor guilt, depression, thoughts of suicide, intense sensitivity, and compulsive intrusive thoughts. People stuck in extreme grief may experience difficulty talking about the event, obsess over themes of death and loss, have disrupted sleeping and eating patterns, become self-destructive, isolate, have impaired functioning and extremely reactive and irrational responses to normal life events.

This extreme grief response doesn't make us a blight on the orchard. But it does leave us vulnerable. If enough time passes, all these disruptions may stir our feelings of shame. Our pain may cry out to be medicated and soothed in an unhealthy manner.

If you or someone you love is stuck in their grief, it's very important to NOT rush back into normal activities without allowing for normal grief. My happily grieving friend implied that my grief was not normal. I personally didn't find her judgment helpful. But if I do acknowledge that if I find myself slipping into a prolonged state of unremitting grief, I hope that those who love me will take notice and gently encourage me to seek more community support. Extreme grief needs to be addressed and treated. I'm praying for all of us who are suffering, and for those around us who want to help, but sometimes don't know how. May we join together in taking care with how we suffer, and the way in which we comfort others in the midst of suffering.

Recommended reading: Ephesians 1-3

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© Copyright 2009 NorthStar Community

July 17 - Good grief

Scripture focus: We know that none of the God-begotten makes a practice of sin--fatal sin. The God-begotten are also the God-protected. The Evil One can't lay a hand on them. We know that we are held firm by God; it's only the people of the world who continue in the grip of the Evil One. And we know that the Son of God came so we could recognize and understand the truth of God--what a gift!--and we are living in the Truth itself, in God's Son, Jesus Christ. This Jesus is both True God and Real Life. Dear children, be on guard against all clever facsimiles. 1 John 5:18-21 (The Message)

I was having a casual conversation with a person who was going through a similar suffering as me. We were sort of trading suffering notes, until she said something that ended the conversation. "I'm a Christian, so although this terrible thing has happened to me, I'm filled with the joy of the Lord. He is my strength. So I can't understand why you seem to feel sad at all. Probably you have some unidentified sin." I shut my mouth, finished my latte, and tried to listen politely as she chirped on cheerily about how her faith filled her with holy happiness. I'm happy for her. But my grief experience is following a more predictable course. The grief cycle usually includes:

• Shock -- initial paralysis
• Denial -- avoid the reality
• Anger -- release of all the overwhelming emotions that were absent during the shock/denial phase
• Bargaining -- seeking a way out of the crisis through the illusion that a person can do something to change the course of the crisis
• Depression -- reality of the loss
• Testing -- accepting reality enables us to practice new ways to go on with an altered life
• Acceptance -- discovery of a way to move on

Although I've experienced shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and more -- I've also experienced moments of peace in the midst of the process. I don't believe this is sin. I don't feel shame about my sadness. I'm on guard against clever facsimiles, including the need to pretend or lie about my life experience. When we experience grief and loss it's part of real life. It's okay to say that without feeling like we've disappointed God.

My happy friend is making a point -- there are different ways to grieve. My point is that just because we grieve differently, doesn't make one of us sinful. However, there are times when we get stuck in our grief -- and that's serious business. More on that tomorrow.

Recommended reading: Ruth 1-4

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© Copyright 2009 NorthStar Community

July 16 - God's eyes

Scripture focus: I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden wealth of secret places, so that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name. Isaiah 45:3

Anonymity is a double-edged sword. In our recovery meetings, we value anonymity. We don't tell tales out of group. This frees us to vomit up our secret sins and shaming ways and get it out on the table for discussion. This kind of confession often provides relief and advice from those who may not know our name, but they certainly can relate to our experiences. This is different than the feeling of being invisible, where everything we think, do and say is without consequence or accountability. Have you noticed how anonymity can be a bad thing? We say things in e-mail, go to places on the internet, and perhaps even go to Vegas or other anonymous-feeling places and behave in ways we'd never dare act around people who know us well.

When I read Isaiah 45, I'm always a little taken aback.

God knows and calls me by name. I'm not part of the masses of humanity, I am his kid.

During our youngest son's college orientation experience this summer, we were often separated into different groups -- parent from child -- off to their own sessions for advice and information. I noticed that my husband, Pete, never stood up when any other kid walked into the room. Other boys of similar size, shape, coloring, and interests would walk into the assembly hall and Pete never gave them a second glance. But when our son entered, he stood and waved until Michael gave a nod of recognition and moved to join us. Michael also didn't choose other parental units while there. He didn't decide that another set of parents looked more appealing, less dorky, more cool.

God is like that with us. When we forget it, we sometimes grow careless of the relationship, forgetting that in the eyes of God, we are never anonymous/invisible/hidden from his sight. The world may be a big and sometimes isolating place and we may have only a postage stamp size deed of property -- but as kids of the king, we are known no matter where we go.

Would it change how we lived if we made the decision to remain conscious of God's watchful, loving, attentive eyes, following our progress -- moment by moment?

Recommended reading: Galatians 4-6

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© Copyright 2009 NorthStar Community