Day 29
Scripture focus: Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. Proverbs 7:26 NIV
If someone wants to victimize you, it will require your full cooperation.
Figuring out what is going not quite right is absolutely NOT the same thing as ascribing blame.
Once I was teaching a lesson on family systems, and some guy at the back of the room stood up and shouted in utter frustration, “I get all this! Tell me how to fix it!”
He was sincere but the way he glared down at his wife led me to intuit that perhaps he was playing the blame game.
I replied, “Go first.”
“What?” He squinted back at me, cupped his ear and tried to believe that he had misheard.
“You heard me. Go first. Be a man. Fix your part in the problem. See what happens.”
I never saw that guy again. Maybe he got busy and went first. Maybe he decided I didn’t have a clue.
When it gets right down to it, the only change we can ever truly control is the changes we make ourselves.
“A safe but sometimes chilly way of recalling the past is to force open a crammed drawer. If you are searching for anything in particular, you don’t find it, but something falls out at the back that is often more interesting.” J. M. Barrie, from the dedication to his first edition of Peter Pan.
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Day 28
Scripture focus: Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say. Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. Proverbs 7:24-25 NIV
One of the skill differentiators between healthy and unwell families is the use of boundaries. Boundaries are best used with flexibility. Unfortunately, many of us either have too rigid or too diffuse boundaries.
Suppose grandma falls and breaks her hip. If she has too rigid boundaries, she tells everyone that she is fine and refuses all help. Too diffuse and she calls up her daughter in Poughkeepsie and says, “Sweetie, the time has come. I need you to leave your job, your husband, your seven children and three dogs, come to Richmond and take care of me. This is your duty. I’ll have my friend Nancy pick you up at the train station at three. Please wear that lovely blue suit I gave you for your birthday – you are completely helpless when it comes to fashion.”
Boundaries help our heart stay true to its calling.
Boundaries help us not wander over onto someone else’s path.
How are your boundaries? Might this be a subject worth exploring?
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Scripture focus: Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say. Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. Proverbs 7:24-25 NIV
One of the skill differentiators between healthy and unwell families is the use of boundaries. Boundaries are best used with flexibility. Unfortunately, many of us either have too rigid or too diffuse boundaries.
Suppose grandma falls and breaks her hip. If she has too rigid boundaries, she tells everyone that she is fine and refuses all help. Too diffuse and she calls up her daughter in Poughkeepsie and says, “Sweetie, the time has come. I need you to leave your job, your husband, your seven children and three dogs, come to Richmond and take care of me. This is your duty. I’ll have my friend Nancy pick you up at the train station at three. Please wear that lovely blue suit I gave you for your birthday – you are completely helpless when it comes to fashion.”
Boundaries help our heart stay true to its calling.
Boundaries help us not wander over onto someone else’s path.
How are your boundaries? Might this be a subject worth exploring?
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Day 27
Scripture focus: All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life. Proverbs 7:22-23 NIV
Unhealthy families, for a variety of reasons, often end up stepping into nooses without a clue as to how they got caught up in such costly mistakes. Healthy families divide up their structure and roles, integrating and creating a home in connection with each other. Unhealthy families are rigid, separately taking on functions, working in isolation. Here are some of the roles you can find in most typically unhealthy families:
* Someone in the family does a lot of stuff. They are the energizer bunny, and people often compliment them on their ability to be go-go-going. For a long time, the energizer preens in front of such adulation. He/she doesn’t notice that everyone else is sitting around eating popcorn and watching a movie. Eventually, Mr. or Mrs. Do-er feels tired, lonely, neglected, empty, disrespected.
* Someone in the family takes charge of loving, helping, enabling. They smooth out ruffled feathers and avoid conflict. This may morph into a lot of “doing” – but mostly this person fears that others will abandon the family or that the family cannot survive without them.
*The loner escapes. This isn’t the same as introversion, because it is accompanied by a deep sense of loneliness.
*The hero provides success for the family to bask in. He/she makes the family proud, but at great personal expense.
*The mascot provides comic relief. He/she is in charge of play. This person takes up the banner of fun as a fantastic escape from problems, and often judges others as too serious.
*The scapegoat takes on the unenviable position of black sheep.
*Favoritism is another role – maybe dad has a favorite little princess, or mom has a favorite little prince.
*One person may carry the banner of spirituality for the family.
In healthy families, these roles get mixed up and handed out, played out by all the members to various degrees at different times. Which kind of family is yours?
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Scripture focus: All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life. Proverbs 7:22-23 NIV
Unhealthy families, for a variety of reasons, often end up stepping into nooses without a clue as to how they got caught up in such costly mistakes. Healthy families divide up their structure and roles, integrating and creating a home in connection with each other. Unhealthy families are rigid, separately taking on functions, working in isolation. Here are some of the roles you can find in most typically unhealthy families:
* Someone in the family does a lot of stuff. They are the energizer bunny, and people often compliment them on their ability to be go-go-going. For a long time, the energizer preens in front of such adulation. He/she doesn’t notice that everyone else is sitting around eating popcorn and watching a movie. Eventually, Mr. or Mrs. Do-er feels tired, lonely, neglected, empty, disrespected.
* Someone in the family takes charge of loving, helping, enabling. They smooth out ruffled feathers and avoid conflict. This may morph into a lot of “doing” – but mostly this person fears that others will abandon the family or that the family cannot survive without them.
*The loner escapes. This isn’t the same as introversion, because it is accompanied by a deep sense of loneliness.
*The hero provides success for the family to bask in. He/she makes the family proud, but at great personal expense.
*The mascot provides comic relief. He/she is in charge of play. This person takes up the banner of fun as a fantastic escape from problems, and often judges others as too serious.
*The scapegoat takes on the unenviable position of black sheep.
*Favoritism is another role – maybe dad has a favorite little princess, or mom has a favorite little prince.
*One person may carry the banner of spirituality for the family.
In healthy families, these roles get mixed up and handed out, played out by all the members to various degrees at different times. Which kind of family is yours?
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Day 26
Scripture focus: With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. Proverbs 7:21 NIV
I used to believe that if Pete and I could create a “good” family, no one would go astray. Boy was I an idiot!
This week I had lunch with a friend who I think has created not only a “good” family structure but a great one. Our time together began with a recitation of the interesting situations her children had gotten themselves entangled in since last we lunched. These “entanglements” included handcuffs and tickets and a few other things that one doesn’t normally associate with “good” families (because, as I said, most of us are idiots!).
Does this alter my viewpoint about my friend? No way! In fact, it confirms my conviction. As a healthy family, she and her brood have experienced problems and stress but have handled them in a healthy way.
She and her husband talk about problems; they make adjustments; they admit when a symptom indicates a need for change; they talk to the kids about the changes they are making; they admit their stress without wallowing in it – they take appropriate action; they make it easy for their kids to admit problems too; they teach their kids how to be problem solvers, not royalty in the family system of denial.
Healthy families:
* Provide safety, warmth, nurturance to all members
* Create a sense of community, belonging, loving
* Foster autonomy
* Promote self-respect in all members
* Make mistakes without making it a federal offense
* Have fun
* Are spiritual
As you might suspect, unhealthy families have a different kind of list. To be continued…
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Scripture focus: With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. Proverbs 7:21 NIV
I used to believe that if Pete and I could create a “good” family, no one would go astray. Boy was I an idiot!
This week I had lunch with a friend who I think has created not only a “good” family structure but a great one. Our time together began with a recitation of the interesting situations her children had gotten themselves entangled in since last we lunched. These “entanglements” included handcuffs and tickets and a few other things that one doesn’t normally associate with “good” families (because, as I said, most of us are idiots!).
Does this alter my viewpoint about my friend? No way! In fact, it confirms my conviction. As a healthy family, she and her brood have experienced problems and stress but have handled them in a healthy way.
She and her husband talk about problems; they make adjustments; they admit when a symptom indicates a need for change; they talk to the kids about the changes they are making; they admit their stress without wallowing in it – they take appropriate action; they make it easy for their kids to admit problems too; they teach their kids how to be problem solvers, not royalty in the family system of denial.
Healthy families:
* Provide safety, warmth, nurturance to all members
* Create a sense of community, belonging, loving
* Foster autonomy
* Promote self-respect in all members
* Make mistakes without making it a federal offense
* Have fun
* Are spiritual
As you might suspect, unhealthy families have a different kind of list. To be continued…
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Day 25
Scripture focus: She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: “I have fellowship offerings at home; today I fulfilled my vows. So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you! I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. Come, let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love! My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.” Proverbs 7:13-20 NIV
What is it exactly about this seduction that makes it so….seductive? It isn’t the sheets!
It probably is related to:
* Temporary reduction in anxiety
* Temporary distraction from stress
* Temporary feelings of power/control and well-being
* An opportunity to avoid and address our true feelings
* A way to avoid developmental responsibilities
* A distraction from problems
* Avoidance of intimacy
I bet Pete would prefer that I put on a brazen face, kiss and hold him, and offer him all sorts of opportunities to cavort on colored linens from Egypt. But the real deal is this: our bed is currently piled high with about 16 loads of clothes that need folding. We could take a walk down to the street corner, but we wouldn’t make it and here’s why: our lawn needs water, the grass needs cutting and the rose bushes need a trim.
The only cinnamon we see is what I sprinkle in the oatmeal we eat while swallowing our cholesterol meds and working the daily crossword puzzle in an attempt to keep dementia at bay.
But I will tell you this: life is sweet many (not all) days at our house. Our recovery community continues to teach us how to avoid the long journey of denial and walk the road to recovery. It’s the good life. Not perfect, not without lapses, but good.
May we all find our way back home.
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Scripture focus: She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: “I have fellowship offerings at home; today I fulfilled my vows. So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you! I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. Come, let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love! My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.” Proverbs 7:13-20 NIV
What is it exactly about this seduction that makes it so….seductive? It isn’t the sheets!
It probably is related to:
* Temporary reduction in anxiety
* Temporary distraction from stress
* Temporary feelings of power/control and well-being
* An opportunity to avoid and address our true feelings
* A way to avoid developmental responsibilities
* A distraction from problems
* Avoidance of intimacy
I bet Pete would prefer that I put on a brazen face, kiss and hold him, and offer him all sorts of opportunities to cavort on colored linens from Egypt. But the real deal is this: our bed is currently piled high with about 16 loads of clothes that need folding. We could take a walk down to the street corner, but we wouldn’t make it and here’s why: our lawn needs water, the grass needs cutting and the rose bushes need a trim.
The only cinnamon we see is what I sprinkle in the oatmeal we eat while swallowing our cholesterol meds and working the daily crossword puzzle in an attempt to keep dementia at bay.
But I will tell you this: life is sweet many (not all) days at our house. Our recovery community continues to teach us how to avoid the long journey of denial and walk the road to recovery. It’s the good life. Not perfect, not without lapses, but good.
May we all find our way back home.
Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!© Copyright 2010 NorthStar Community
Day 24
Scripture focus: Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent. (She is loud and defiant, her feet never stay at home; now in the street, now in the squares, at every corner she lurks.) Proverbs 7:10-12 NIV
In case you’ve never hooked up with a prostitute, please allow me to provide some alternative dangerously addictive comforts that might be substituted in these verses to give us a more personal connection: alcohol, prescription and/or nonprescription drugs, illegal drugs, food, tv, sex, work, spending, hoarding, stress, exercise, reading, risky behaviors, nicotine, caffeine, relationships, power, sleep, gambling, etc.
Is it possible that forces with crafty intent are finding a receptive audience in your heart?
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Day 23
Scripture focus: He (a youth) was going down the street near her corner, walking along in the direction of her house at twilight, as the day was fading, as the dark of night set in. Proverbs 7:8-9 NIV
Some parenting philosophies suggest that we protect our children, teaching them to avoid corners where temptation lurks. Pete and I haven’t really ascribed to this theory. Our fasciculous retroflexeses are in working order (that neurological super speedy highway between the mid-brain the prefrontal cortex which helps us think about cause and effect, delayed gratification, etc.) and that means that although we seriously considered chaining our children to their bedposts until they were thirty in order to avoid evil doing, we feared that this would leave them with a limited sense of freedom. Frankly, we were afraid that once we cut them loose they would go no farther than the kitchen, maybe the den. We really didn’t want to be cleaning up ramon noodle wrappers each morning or picking up empty Cheerwine bottles off the coffee table when our kids were old enough to apply for Social Security.
Lapses in judgment, symptoms of unwellness, relationship malfunctions and all the other “isms” that plague us often start as normal, developmental responses to life stress. Often our symptoms are a treatment strategy for avoiding pain and suffering.
Growing up with require that we get serious about facing our problems; faith provides us a framework to do so that is both hopeful and healing.
Clearly, all children will one day walk down the street. Maybe it will be at twilight, as the dark of night is setting in. They will feel lonely, and in need of companionship. They will feel tempted to seek the comfort that is available and inviting. Delaying gratification, trusting God to provide, might be concepts best embraced in the light. Darkness clouds the vision. They will have some choices to make, and it will be most helpful if they have a real sense of community to reach out to…..or should I say “we”?
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