August 22

Scripture focus: "If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love. Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there." Matthew 18:15-20 (The Message)

I once believed that today's scripture focus was God's written permission to make sure that anyone and everyone who hurt my feelings got an earful from me. I assumed that the fellow believer was charged with listening to the offense and repenting of the harm they had done me! I liked that interpretation. When I began trying to put this principle into practice, I discovered that I was in need of some serious coaching. My interpretation didn't seem to ever lead to working things out. Instead, it seemed that it just caused more hurt feelings.

Here's where I went wrong. I failed to take into account the truth that expressing hurt must fall within the boundary of taking responsibility for my own feelings. It misses the point of the text to read this instruction and then go to your fellow believer loaded with ammunition. "You hurt my feelings when you..." isn't really the same as working out a relationship "ouchy" by accepting personal responsibility for my feelings.

Here's what I've discovered. I've learned that when I feel hurt, I often misbehave. So although this has proven to be a much more humbling experience, I now find myself applying Matthew 18 differently – I'm usually required to make an amends. "I felt...when...happened. That resulted in me doing..., which was totally inappropriate. I realize that I hurt you when I did that. How can I make restitution? I was wrong, and I'd like to ask your forgiveness." 

Usually this results in things getting worked out. Sometimes my offense is such that we have to bring in mediators to help us sort out the carnage. Once in awhile, the process of amending and reconciling results in my fellow believer having an insight about how maybe they, too, could have handled matters differently. But that's not really the goal – if it were, then my attempts at speaking and listening were really more about manipulation than making up.

The healthy boundary of expressing hurt feelings and working towards reconciliation is clearly a good idea. It's one way we accept responsibility for our feelings, attitudes and behaviors. But it isn't easy.

If you find yourself with a bundle of hurt feelings, perhaps it would be helpful to think about how your pain has resulted in you causing more pain. Just a thought. May we draw nearer to God and others as grow up in our salvation!

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 19-21

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August 21

Scripture focus: And since you know that he cares, let your language show it. Don't add words like "I swear to God" to your own words. Don't show your impatience by concocting oaths to hurry up God. Just say yes or no. Just say what is true. That way, your language can't be used against you. James 5:12 (The Message)

Sometimes our feelings, attitudes and behavior reveal an astounding lack of trust in God. There are all sorts of perfectly good reasons why this is true. But I wonder – are they "good enough" to abandon trust in God?

When we are impatient, what does that tell us about what we believe about God's care and concern for us?

When we edit and rewrite our personal stories – for whatever reason – what are we saying about how we feel about trusting God with ourselves and others – even the messy parts?

Knowing that God cares is a healthy boundary.

It frees us from needless doubting and speculation about what he's up to and how we fit into his prevailing purposes.

I probably will never grow up enough to stop wondering about the 'whys' and 'why nots' – but I am old enough to realize that those questions, while natural and normal, aren't necessarily helpful and healing.

Just say what is true. That way, your language can't be used against you.

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 16-18

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August 20

Scripture focus: "And don't say anything you don't mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, 'I'll pray for you,' and never doing it, or saying, 'God be with you,' and not meaning it. You don't make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say 'yes' and 'no.' When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong." Matthew 5:23-27 (The Message)

It's amazing how often scripture speaks about the power of words. Words play a super important role in setting boundaries. Boundaries separate and define each of us as unique individuals. They also help others understand and know the real us. Imagine a world where each of us was able to know the other in an honest way. Our feedback would be more on target. We could express appreciation for the strengths and gifts we see in each other, because nothing disingenuous would tarnish the view into the genuine, true God-created identity found in each of us.

Lacking confidence in the value of boundaries, sometimes we teach people things about us that turn out to be untrue. This can't be a good thing!

When Pete was a kid, he had a relative who regularly offered him a dessert that he didn't really like. But he loved his Aunt, and she seemed so thrilled that she had this treat for him that he just went along with the mistaken notion that he loved this particular food. No big deal, right? Every once in a while, he'd visit this family and be fed this dessert. He'd eat it; she'd be thrilled. End of story.

Even the smallest of boundary-less decisions can have a negative effect. Pete moved from Maine to Virginia, and this relative felt very sorry for him. After all, this kind of treat wasn't sold in Virginia. So when she came to visit, she did a very loving thing – she brought Pete a big supply of his "favorite" dessert. 

Pete had moved from indifference to distaste for this particular delicacy. But he was in a bind. How could he end this cycle of insanity? She took the trouble to buy, package and mail him this gift. He felt terrible. This went on and on until poor health ended her gift giving ways.

All this effort and eventual guilt could have been avoided with the careful use of a few tactful and honest words. Ultimately, this one little example of a word boundary violation resulted in Pete feeling "less known" rather than more. And he definitely felt like he had somehow become a less loving person by not being willing to tell this beloved relative the truth.

When people we love don't know our favorite foods or serve us ones we don't like unintentionally, that's no big deal. What is a big deal is when we find ourselves feeling unknown or uncared for as a result of word confusion. Ultimately, telling ourselves and others the truth will help all of us connect in ways that will be more fulfilling and enjoyable.

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 13-15

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August 19

Scripture focus: God spoke: "Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature so they can be responsible for the fish in the sea, the birds in the air, the cattle, and, yes, Earth itself, and every animal that moves on the face of Earth." God created human beings; he created them godlike, reflecting God's nature. He created them male and female. God blessed them: "Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge! Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air, for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth." Genesis 1:26-28 (The Message)

One time a couple asked to meet with Pete and I to discuss their marital problems. Asking for input from another couple is an example of using a "people" boundary. When we invite others to hear our story and offer feedback, we're providing ourselves with a check and balance system. Feedback is good. Isolation is bad.

The husband opened the conversation by whipping out his bible and turning to today's scripture focus passage. He contended that their marital strife was a result of his wife's failure to understand and support his authoritative place in the world. From his perspective, God's call to "Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge! Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air…" meant that he was supposed to work hard and make a lot of money, make all decisions, and subdue the fish and birds by fishing and hunting every weekend. Of course, the reproducing part was up to the wife and he was willing to do his part on that front as well. 

One evening didn't renovate this marriage but it did begin a conversation. When we have really strong opinions about issues and those beliefs are causing us relationship problems, it might be a good idea to utilize a people boundary. 

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 10-12

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August 18

Scripture focus: Father, I want those you gave me to be with me, right where I am, so they can see my glory, the splendor you gave me, having loved me long before there ever was a world. Righteous Father, the world has never known you, but I have known you, and these disciples know that you sent me on this mission. I have made your very being known to them— who you are and what you do— and continue to make it known, so that your love for me might be in them exactly as I am in them. John 17:24-26

We were absolutely created for intimate, loving relationships. Bad boundaries result in lousy loving.

Some lousy lovers include:

• Boundary victim – can't say "No!" – People who have trouble saying "no" to others aren't loving well in spite of their best intentions. An inability to draw healthy boundaries is not sacrificial love – it's usually more about people pleasing. I have a friend who continues to insist that pleasing others is a virtue. I, however, have discovered that when I care so much about what someone else thinks that my highest value is pleasing them, I'm caring more about their opinion of me than God's. It's an old fashioned term that still applies –it's called idolatry.
• Boundary hater – can't hear "No!" – Boundary victims and haters attract each other like magnets. A boundary hater pushes and pushes and pushes. If Jesus had been a boundary hater, he wouldn't have stood at the door and knocked. Although a boundary hater can be very aggressive, at least their behavior isn't confusing – unlike a manipulative boundary hater.
• Manipulative boundary hater – can't hear "No!" but hope we don't notice – Manipulative boundary haters are a lot trickier in their pushing boundary hating ways. These violators take a passive/aggressive approach. They are much more likely to use self-pity and indirect shaming to bust through boundaries. Their lack of aggression and self-effacing ways sometimes make it hard to recognize that they're as intent on ignoring your boundary as their more direct and pushy cohort, the boundary hater.

Boundary victims, haters and manipulators all miss the boat of loving like God.

My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can't know him if you don't love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God. 1 John 4:7-10 (The Message)

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 7-9

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August 17

Scripture focus: This is how we know we're living steadily and deeply in him, and he in us: He's given us life from his life, from his very own Spirit. Also, we've seen for ourselves and continue to state openly that the Father sent his Son as Savior of the world. Everyone who confesses that Jesus is God's Son participates continuously in an intimate relationship with God. We know it so well, we've embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God. 1 John 4:14-16 (The Message)

How do we learn how to live continuously in an intimate relationship with God? One thing we'll need to figure out is how to gain mastery of the following types of boundaries: skin, words, time, geography, emotional distance and other people.

Remember how boundaries function – they help us sort out what we are and are not responsible for, they keep the good in and the bad out, act as an alarm system, help us know when to withdraw and when to stay, they protect our freedom and our treasures – our feelings, our attitudes and our behaviors.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

Matthew six provides us one example of a time boundary. In order to draw near to God and maintain conscious contact with him, it will require us to rearrange our sense of time. We spend so much time worrying about what did or might happen that sometimes we lose sight of what God is doing in and through and with us this very minute.

May you live on God Central Time today.

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 4-6

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August 16

Scripture focus: I spelled out your character in detail to the men and women you gave me. They were yours in the first place; then you gave them to me, and they have now done what you said. They know now, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that everything you gave me is firsthand from you, for the message you gave me, I gave them; and they took it, and were convinced that I came from you. They believed that you sent me. John 17:6 and following (The Message)

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing. Ephesians 2:7-10 (The Message)
God has us right where he wants us, once we choose to believe.

Listen to his intentions for us:

• God wants to shower grace and kindness upon us.
• God wants to save us – it's completely his idea.
• God does the work of saving – we can't work hard enough to save ourselves.
• God does the heavy lifting, we do the trusting.
• All this is a gift from God.
• It's okay if we haven't worked out all our little quirks and hurts. We don't play a major role in any of this saving process.
• God does both the making and saving.

God creates us for good work – fulfilling, abundantly satisfying kingdom work.

What a deal! In fact, it's such awesomely good news that sometimes it seems almost too good to be true. Part of trusting God involves believing that what God says about us is more true than how we feel about ourselves or what others have said about us.

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 1-3

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