Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 182 – Month At A Glance

Scripture focus: Read 2 Samuel 18 and parts of 19 – the messy story of David’s relationship with his rebellious son Absalom

This month’s devotions have focused on emotions and their appropriate place in our story. We’ve discussed big emotions and how unhealthy families usually have limited emotional expression and few skills for dealing with the big ones. We’ve considered the concept of perfectionism, guilt, shame, and all the symptoms of trying to be God (as opposed to becoming imitators of Christ).

But what I pray you take note of is the example of the life of David: David was a messy guy, a bad parent, probably struggled with depression, definitely lived in the land of denial, committed adultery and tried to cover up his crime with the murder of a good and loyal soldier. His kids were a mess. At least one of his many wives was embarrassed by him. Loyal friends became enemies. His subordinates didn’t always follow his instructions. He didn’t keep his daughters safe from predators – including their own kin.

AND he was a man after God’s own heart. He was the best king ever. He loved God. He took down a giant with a slingshot while grown men stood around quaking in their boots at the sight of the big guy. He showed mercy to a king who tried to kill him. He was loyal to his friend Jonathan. He grieved the loss of his children – even those that sought to destroy him.

David was a mere mortal who was deeply loved by God.


We are mere mortals and also deeply love by God.

I hope this truth frees us to take a closer look at our own limitations – not so that we’ll experience shame and self-depreciation – but so that we can embrace and enjoy how God is going to show his glory as he overcomes our weakness with his strength.

How awesome would it be to relax into the loving arms of God?

I can still remember how safe it felt to climb into my dad’s lap after dinner each night, and dip cookies in his coffee. His arms were strong and his knees sturdy. If my cookie broke off into his coffee - that was fine by him. My brothers often tried to usurp my place in the lap of my daddy. But neither he nor I would have it. This is how it is with God. We can sit in his lap, and no one can rip us out of the arms of our heavenly Father. No force or circumstance or enemy can snatch of out of the hands of our daddy. We’re safe. We can be weak and human and frail and developmentally challenged – and without condemnation. Oh, how I wish we would believe this profound reality!!!!

This completes the one hundred eighty second day of our three hundred sixty five day journey. May your journey draw you nearer to God, and closer to your true God-created identity.

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 15 and 16 in the morning; Psalm 147 and Proverbs 18 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 181 – Depression with a twist

Scripture focus: Read 2 Samuel 6, specifically, the story of the ark slipping…


Depression with a twist – one form of depression, according to David Seamands, is the inevitable depression that accompanies the quest for perfection. “Perfectionism is a counterfeit for Christian perfection, holiness, sanctification, or the Spirit-filled life. Instead of making us holy persons and integrated personalities – that is, whole persons in Christ – perfectionism leaves us spiritual Pharisees and emotional neurotics.” (Chapter 7, Healing for Damaged Emotions) In today’s reading, a few guys do the best they can to protect the ark – and get punished for their efforts. The ark was slipping, and they tried to grab it. They knew they weren’t supposed to touch it – but touch it they did. We can ask ourselves if God might have gone a bit overboard with the consequences for their mistake, or we could ask why they had the ark on such a rickety contraption. Either way – mortals are extremely limited. There is a God – none of us got the job. When we seek perfection, we are denying the reality of our creatureliness; we’re attempting to do what only God can accomplish. Seamands calls this kind of living perfectionistic. Here are some of his descriptions for this condition:


1. Constant feeling of never quite doing well enough or being good enough


2. Self-depreciation – never quite satisfied with self (and this usually transfers into the same attitude toward others too)


3. Anxiety – created for the abundant life, when we walk around feeling like the world isn’t quite good enough – this creates a generalized feeling of anxiety. We were created for joy and gratitude. This kind of frustration and fear goes against our true God-created identity. It’s normal but not sustainable without self-injury.


4. Oversensitive conscience and comprehensive guilt. This results in a rigid over-emphasis on do’s and don’ts, rules and regulations. (I’ve also noticed that this rigidity might be creative. For example, I’ve got a friend who is a heroin addict but will only eat organic food. She judges others who don’t adhere to her rigid eating plan. Maybe I’m crazy, but I think this is ironic. I’m pretty sure she’d be better off laying off the heroin, and maybe eating some junk food once in awhile.)


5. Anger – Since we were created to be gracious and kind and loving – our idolatrous attempts to seek personal perfection inevitably creates resentment, bitterness and frustration. Perfectionists are quick to speak and quicker to anger. Anger management isn’t going to solve this problem. Anger is a symptom of idolatry – and this painful pursuit of perfection must be ferreted out and then the anger issues will dissipate.


6. Denial – if perfectionism is our problem, it’s awfully hard to acknowledge our limitations.


And so, our impossible attempts to play God leads to depression. Seamands quotes John Fletcher, a contemporary of John Wesley (so this is an old problem) – “Some bind heavy burdens on themselves of their own making and when they cannot bear them, they are tormented in their consciences with imaginary guilt. Others go distracted through groundless fears of having committed the unpardonable sin. In a word, do we not see hundreds who, when they have reason to think well of their state, instead think there is no hope for them whatever?” It’s my prayer that if we have some of the chronic symptoms of idolatrous living, God will show us how the painful pursuit of perfection is killing our joy. Only God can show us this – denial is a powerful enemy, but no match for Holy God. May God have his way with us today!


Recommended reading: 2 Kings 13 and 14 in the morning; Acts 19 and Psalm 146 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 180 – Big feelings

Scripture focus: A right time to cry and another to laugh, a right time to lament and another to cheer, a right time to make love and another to abstain….see more about right times for big emotions in Ecclesiastes 3, The Message

In unhealthy families there is a tendency to limit the expression of emotions by labeling some “good” and others “bad.” Even Christians get into the act of emotional denial when they speak of anger as if it is a sin, or fear as if it is the antithesis of faith. Emotions are far more than alleged barometers of spiritual wellness. In fact, Solomon himself reminds us that big emotions are part of the human experience. Emotionally damaged folks sometimes struggle with matching an appropriate emotional response to an event. This is disconcerting, and sometimes dangerous. (Think about road rage, fits of temper over “small” dustups, bursts of physical violence, and even unexpected and seemingly illogical feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety.)


Sometimes I don’t know if my emotional responses or “normal” or “not quite right.”


I used to think this was “bad.” This shaming perspective didn’t improve my emotional wellness. Here’s what seems to be helping:


1. I make an effort to take my emotional temperature – and an awareness of a wide range of emotional responses. I’m working on truly feeling whether I want to cry or laugh – rather than worrying so much about the rightness or wrongness of the response.


2. I use theophostic prayer principles to guide my framework for my feelings. Dr. Ed Smith’s teachings suggest that when an event “triggers” an emotional response, it’s tapping into memories of when we’ve experienced this same emotion in the past. No wonder sometimes I feel like my emotions are “over the top”! I often ask myself questions like – what’s my first memory of this feeling? I ask the Holy Spirit to guide me and show me what’s really going on with me. I remember that when it comes to my reactions – a lot of times the issue isn’t really the issue.


3. I pause to prepare. I face my feelings full-force. I try not to run from them, or cover them over with crunchy peanut butter and chocolate.


4. I am a student of feelings. I read books and have conversations with others about emotions. It helps me not feel terminally unique – or alone. It allows me to stretch my viewpoint and deepen my awareness. I realize that feelings don’t determine reality – but they are very important. My feelings often lead me to long-harbored resentments or faulty beliefs that are messing with my mind. I respect feelings without letting them rule me.


5. I am learning new ways to respond to all my feelings. I am learning that when I feel angry, I can fully experience the anger AND not sin. I can be faithful and fearful. I can be weak and made strong by God.

I’m learning a bunch of stuff. How about you? Are your feelings a frontier ripe for further exploration?


Recommended reading: 2 Kings 11 and 12 in the morning; Acts 18 and Psalm 145 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 179 – Loving to help

Scripture focus: If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. James 1:5 The Message

In the Old Testament, an infirmity could get one in a lot of trouble. Usually referencing a physical defect or deformity, scripture is clear: offerings, sacrifices and even priests had to be “without spot or blemish.” In the New Testament, the reference to infirmity takes on a more metaphorical meaning. The Greek word for infirmity is really the negative for of “sthenos” – which means “strength.” In the New Testament, it refers primarily to weaknesses of the mental, moral and emotional kind.

Old Testament Priests were required to be without physical defect – but they had mental, moral and emotional blemishes. So when they offered a sacrifice for sin, they were asking on behalf of themselves and their people. In the New Testament, Jesus was without blemish of any kind. When Jesus was crucified – sacrificed – for the sins of all people – he did so as the entirely unblemished Lamb of God.

In Seamand’s chapter entitled The Wounded Healer, He makes an astounding point. He says it would be enough for Jesus to have atoned for our sin because he understood the truth of our infirmities – atonement is atonement. But – and this is a huge point – Jesus didn’t understand our brokenness at an intellectual level – HE FELT OUR INFIRMITIES.

How can the sinless Son of God feel our feelings of shame, know our emotional weaknesses, relate to our infirmed state? Because he felt as we feel. As a proof text, Seamands offers up this account of the humanity of Christ:

He “offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death, and was heard in that he feared. Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered” Hebrews 5:7-8

“Jesus wept” is not just the shortest verse in the bible – it’s the reason we can approach the throne of grace with confidence. He gets us. When we approach Jesus, he doesn’t exhort us to stop feeling the way we feel. He doesn’t demand that we grow up and stop crying like babies.

Emotionally unhealthy people often think the solution to their emotional longings is to become people who know what they’re doing (get “it” right and do “it” well – whatever “it” is) or figure a way to squash all that emoting. But the author of the book of James doesn’t shame us with angry exhortations to get “it” right or stop feeling big - he encourages us to remember who to ask for help! I wonder if emotional health is best expressed when we know how we feel and what we think we want – AND we acquire the wisdom to know how and when and where and to whom to express our longings. I wonder if the mature and emotionally healthy ask for help differently than those of us who are still in the early stages of healing.

How do you ask for help?

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 10 in the morning; Acts 17 and Psalm 144 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 178 – God with me

Scripture focus: ...”and they will call him Immanuel” – which means, “God with us.” Matthew 1:23 NIV

Yesterday was one of those days when I felt very lonely. I forgot that although lots of yucky things might be happening around me, God was still with me. Fortunately, I didn’t let that keep me from my evening quiet time. Opening up the scriptures, I came across three little words in Romans 8:26 that allowed me to sleep in peace – God “helps our infirmities”.

Infirmity is an interesting word. Some translate it as: weaknesses or crippling. Literally, it means “to take hold of on the other side” – a verb. But according to Seamands (Healing for Damaged Emotions), this word might better be translated as the work of the Holy Spirit, who becomes our helper, our team mate, who willingly works alongside us in a mutual effort of healing.

Scripture teaches us that the Holy Spirit acts as a counselor, corrector, and even a champion revealer of truth. It’s awesome news that we have a team at our disposal to help us with our weaknesses. In that same section of scripture, Paul reminds us that we often don’t know how to pray. And if he hadn’t immediately followed that statement up with an example of how the Holy Spirit moves in and “helps our infirmities” – the fact that I don’t know how to pray seems like one more reason to feel ashamed.

But Paul intends comfort in his message of hope.

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities – For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16 NIV

All of us are people in the process of teaming up with the Holy Spirit for the sake of healing. Along the way, it is nice when others support and encourage our efforts. But people inevitably disappoint – remember, we are all in process. And sometimes our messiness bumps up against another’s messy ways. I’d like to think that I could learn how to behave well on both good and bad days. My life would certainly be easier if others would learn how to live like this too! But if this is what we’re hoping for – our hope may be in vain.

God with us…a high priest who is able to feel our infirmities AND judges not.

This is by far a better place to confidently run when we’re in need of healing. It’s awesome when we form small communities of fellow sojourners to work on all this messy stuff together – and we must continue our community-dwelling experiences. But on the day when we’ve annoyed our community, or our community has annoyed us with errant shopping carts and other aggravating behaviors – it’s good to know where to turn before we turn in for the night.

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 8 and 9 in the morning; Psalm 143 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 177 – Red-faced guilt and lame excuses

Scripture focus: And now, children, stay with Christ. Live deeply in Christ. Then we’ll be ready for him when he appears, ready to receive him with open arms, with no cause for red-faced guilt or lame excuses when he arrives. 1 John 2:28 The Message

There are all sorts of ways to describe people with emotional baggage. Here are a few ways that David Seamands uses to discuss emotionally challenged people in need of divine healing.

1. Continuous feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, inferiority or an inner voice saying – “I am unworthy.”
2. The need for perfection – always striving, usually feeling guilty, driven by the ‘oughts’ and ‘shoulds’.
3. Super sensitivity – needing constant approval and affirmation
4. Fearful – fear of failure, fear of wrongdoing, struggle with making a decision

Other emotions give us fits too: anger management issues, depression, mood swings, and more – all indicate that we’ve got issues with our emotions. One could wrongly conclude that emotions are just too much trouble – and we should avoid them at all costs. I get this. I especially get that it doesn’t work. Everyone knows I have some hearing challenges; most people also get the fact that I have some listening issues too. Yesterday I had to do a lot of listening. Since it’s not exactly my strong suit, by late afternoon I was pretty tired and stressed. Especially considering the fact that most of what I heard was bad news. By the time I popped into my local grocery store for dinner fixings, I was pretty much unfit for public viewing.

I usually enjoy grocery shopping. I run into people I know and hear good stories and get caught up on how their kids are doing. But last night, my shopping experience was annoying. Some guy kept bumping me with his grocery cart because he was turned around yelling at his kid. The lady in front of me displayed a distinct lack of trust for the clerk, and kept challenging her scanning skills. This tripled her time in line. Usually this doesn’t bother me; I usually use this time to read magazines for free. But not this night - I just wanted to go home. Finally, I manage to unload my groceries on the conveyer belt and maneuver my way around to the front of my cart. Now the mad dad can bump my cart as long as he likes without aggravating me.

The suspicious purchaser is gone. My life is looking up.

And then the bagger boy asks, “Do you have a bad preference?”

“Why do you ask?” I respond with shock. How does this guy know about my “bad” preferences? Who told him that I prefer peanut butter and chocolate to fruits and vegetables when I’m stressed out? Does he realize that even as we speak, I’m trying to decide whether I’m going to go home and take my frustrations out via a good workout video or crawl into bed and mope? Who is this young bagger, who understands that I have bad preferences?

“Well, I was just wondering…do you want paper or plastic?” Oh…my…gosh. He didn’t ask if I had a bad preference – he asked if I had a bag preference! I walked into my favorite grocer’s super-sensitive, fearful, striving, and anxious. Although I lacked the energy to state a bagging preference (unless he’d agree to follow me home, unload my groceries and put them away neatly), I definitely had a bad mindset – and plenty of emotional baggage. Can you relate?

After a good night’s sleep, my personality seems on the mend – in large part because of the super good news tomorrow’s devotional will reveal.

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 6 and 7 in the morning; Acts 16 and Psalm 142 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 176 – Week 26 – Messy spirituality

Scripture focus: Our involvement with God’s revelation doesn’t put us right with God. What it does is force us to face our complicity in everyone else’s sin. But in our time something new has been added…Romans 3:20-21 The Message

“We preachers have often given people the mistaken idea that the new birth and being ‘filled with the Spirit’ are going to automatically take care of emotional hang-ups. But this just isn’t true. A great crisis experience of Jesus Christ, as important and eternally valuable as this is, is not a shortcut to emotional health. It is not a quickie cure for personality problems. It is necessary that we understand this, first of all, so that we can compassionately live with ourselves and allow the Holy Spirit to work with special healing in our own hurts and confusion.

We also need to understand this in order to not judge other people too harshly, but to have patience with their confusing and contradictory behavior. They are people, like you and me, with hurts and scars and wrong programming that interfere with their present behavior. Understanding that salvation does not give instant emotional health offer us an important insight into the doctrine of sanctification. It is impossible to know how “Christian” a person is, merely on the basis of his outward behavior.” Healing for Damaged Emotions, by David Seamands, p.12

I have a friend who gently challenges churches to think about how they approach people – especially hurting ones. He says that sometimes we ask people what they believe, and if we discover that we believe the same stuff – then we can join in spiritual fellowship. You can only belong if you believe like everyone else in the community. My friend thinks this is “not quite right”. In his congregation, he encourages people to come and belong. And then together with all the other messily spiritual people in his community – he invites people to wrestle with what they believe. I love his perspective.

Emotionally healthy people are better equipped to patiently tolerate the confusing and contradictory behaving (and believing) of self and others. They’re the kind of people who can “belong” without requiring everyone else to “believe” the same things that they believe. Emotionally healthy people can tolerate frustration, fatigue, discouragement, and even disagreement – without being judgmental, unkind or disrespectful. I realize that, in theory, it seems like it is easier to get along with people who agree with us. I’m just not quite sure it’s the way Jesus thinks.

I used to think healthy people didn’t feel frustration or get overly tired or ever end up discouraged at the end of a long, hard day. I was wrong. And although I’d prefer to become a person who is unfamiliar with sorrow, I’m probably far better off praying instead to become a person who can respond to suffering, sorrow, dissent, disagreement, discouragement, fatigue, frustration and failure in an emotionally healthy manner.

All I know is that I’m glad it’s impossible to evaluate how “Christian” people are, based on their behavior.

Does this mean our behavior doesn’t matter? Of course not! Behavior is often a clue that alerts us to our deeply felt hurts and scars that interfere with our ability to behave in a manner that is consistent with what we truly believe. Or wish we could believe. May we have an emotionally healthy day – aware of both our behaving and believing – able to see the messiness and inconsistent choices – willing to trust in God to have his way with us in spite of our limitations - joining with the man who once cried to Jesus, “Lord, I believe! Help me in my unbelief!”

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 5 in the morning; Acts 15 and Psalm 141 in the evening