Day 5 - Hope almost lost
Scripture focus: Source of hope: Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scripture we might have hope. Romans 15:4 NIV
In the story you're about to read, Dr. Jampolsky refers to a concept called "Addictive Personality". As a favor to me, instead of thinking of these personality traits as unique to the addicted, I'd ask you to consider the possibility that all of us "suffer" to some degree with the issues he discusses. We'll let the experts argue over whether or not the concept of addictive personality is a valid one – I'm asking you to consider that his story may ring true to you…
"The purpose of the following story is to illustrate how strong the Addictive Personality can be, but also how it is possible to choose something different…. As an adult…I have acted out in anger and scared those I love most. I acted out of anger in ways that damaged the trust I once had with them. It would be easy to make excuses for myself, because everyone loses their cool from time to time, right? But the truth was that even after years of personal work I was still prone to yelling when I did not get my way. I seemed able to help others with their anger, but when I couldn't control my own anger I became secretly hopeless about this aspect of my Addictive Personality. I was engaging in behavior that was not conducive to creating what I really wanted in my life, and I kept doing it anyway, even when I told myself not to. Though my outbursts were infrequent, I felt weak and ashamed after each one. In response to these episodes, I would either withdraw or escalate in my anger, which is a classic addictive pattern. It was not until I found myself very hurt and yelling in rage one inch from the face of the woman I loved that I knew I had to find another way of being. I suppose I could have yet again listened to my Addictive Personality and blamed my behavior on how hurt I was by her actions, but the truth was I needed to take final responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions." (Healing the Addictive Personality, by Dr. Lee Jampolsky, pp. 55 and 56)
Notice the choice Dr. Jampolsky made. He chose to look outside himself for an answer – instead of asking the outside world to make his insides feel better. He could have stayed internally focused, in tune with both his anger and his entitlement to it. But instead, he chose a different, more uncomfortable path. He also did not deny the fervor of his feelings. He told himself the truth. But, and here's a really really important distinction: he acknowledged his needs, wants, desires and feelings without allowing them to continue to determine his behavior. He shared what was going on inside him, in the hope that someone on the outside could assist in transforming him – from the inside out.
Recommended reading: Exodus 13-15
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1 comment:
Hi,
This is great stuff! I found this entry particularly interesting as it seems to be triangulating on a point you have made in earlier messages about maturity (or lack of). This state seems to me to describe the behaviour of a child. I don't mean childish behaviour but actually the behaviour of a child trapped in an adult's body. For ages I thought of relapsing as a form of regression in itself but now I believe that taking my drug of choice doesn't cause me to act in an immature manner but that my thoughts, feelings, behaviour, state or even complete modus operandi has lapsed into a child-like way of viewing the world which soon brings with it the stress -> fear -> failure -> shame patterns that make me so uncomfortable in my skin that need to drink to "feel normal again". However, I do also think that the "feeling normal" is the removal of all adult sensibilities or "ought, should & must" that is the fleeting pleasure of drink or drugs. I don't know if you are familiar with Prof Susan Greenfield's (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Susan_Greenfield ) book "The Private Life of the Brain" in which she describes intoxication as an attempt to return to a state of Eden - which she says we experienced biologically for a short blissful period as children. She says that the brain chemistry of a person after a few beers is like that of a child in that you see very little electrical activity which references long term memory or projections about the future - instead a greater focus on just being in the now. I'm doing the book an injustice as its actually very detailed and nuanced but that's certainly the gist at one point.
I couldn't help thinking that the the "snapping out of it" point that Jampolsky describes here where he decides to "to take final responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions" was a snapping back to a more adult brain way of looking at the world - with a revived appreciation of his past and future (and those of others).
Glyn
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