March 13, 2007

Step 3: . We made a decision to turn our life and will over to the care of God.

Scripture reading for today: Proverbs 6

After about ten years of “doing church” – I almost threw in the towel. I decided that either the way I was going about practicing my faith was wrong (hard for me to believe) OR there was no God. So, I cut a deal with the God of my limited understanding. I told him that for one year I was going to give Him a chance to prove himself to me (how arrogant) or I was done with religion. Even I realized this wasn’t the most respectful conversation in the world, so I “sweetened the pot” in order to try to win God’s approval of this plan. I promised him that each morning I’d wake up and ask only one question, “Lord, if you exist and if I were completely convinced, how would I live this day?” And I did it. Here is some of what I learned.
First – I realized that if God existed, then it made sense for me to learn more about Him. I had been in church, heard the sermons, attended bible studies and conferences and workshops; but I hadn’t really become a student of scripture. I sort of audited all of the classes. When I asked the daily question, I decided that a convinced believer would stop copping out and taking everything pass/fail. So when my babies went down to bed and Pete was at work or out of town, I studied. (Of course, I got a lot of school supplies to do this with – you know I love ‘em!) Remember that this is exactly how interns become doctors, guys who love cars become mechanics, hacks become Tiger Woodish, etc.

Second – I quit all my church committees. This was radical. But I couldn’t find anywhere in scripture where it said I should be up at church working all the time – to the exclusion of spending time on my intimate, personal relationship with God. (Don’t misinterpret me – I did this for a season. There’s plenty in scripture to guide us and instruct us about our need for community and supporting the work of our church community in particular. But I had gotten all out of wack, and a serious re-evaluation time was essential.) I replaced all those committees with practice. I considered this my apprenticeship. When I read instructions for how to live in scripture, and I asked the daily question, I proceeded as best as my heart could discern. Although I ditched several committees, I did find myself working in a prison ministry. I found myself spending more time teaching my children about God and less time plopping them in front of Sesame Street. I made meal plans and actually went to the grocery store (Pete enjoyed this season). I spent a lot of time in conversation with others about God stuff. Each day was a different day. I was asking a question each morning, and every day brought new challenges. Again, this was the same kind of practicing that all of us do when we’re pursuing a new skill set.

Third – I got some good counseling. I found out something about myself during all this study and practice time. I realized that I had some potentially fatal flaws in my character and in my thought life. My studying and practicing was frustrating. I needed help. I decided to go to a spiritual mentor who could guide me in unpacking some of my reactions to this new way of living. I joined a small group. I intentionally sought relationships with a few people who I knew could assist me in this grand experiment. I truly don’t think parts one and two would have been sustainable without this key component to this decision making process. This is the same kind of feedback a young intern would receive. I got some good coaching.

Thought for today: Why am I telling you all this? Because I want you to really think about whether you ’ ve ever decided to turn your life and will over to God. I had been a faithful, committed, active member of my church for ten years when I began this experiment. I believed. I was baptized. I simply had never decided to turn my life and will over to God. Can you relate?

Thought for tomorrow:
Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3 NIV

The year passed without me noticing. I still wake up every morning and ask the same question. I am still living by steps one, two and three – with varying degrees of “success”. In fact, let me close with this thought. If you had asked me in the beginning how I would have described a successful outcome for that first year, I would have said this: “Well, I think I’ll become a sweeter, kinder, gentler person. I’m pretty sure I’ll become an introvert. I probably will acquire a dainty laugh and no longer struggle with an addiction to peanut butter. I’m sure my husband and children will adore me. I’ll probably learn how to become a frugal shopper. I’m pretty sure I’ll be unrecognizable – the new me truly will be new. Off with the old.”
It hasn’t happened. Hindsight is always 20/20 – and with the clarity that I have at the moment, I’ll say this. I think God is doing something in and with and through me. I’m not at all sure how to measure it. Nor do I care to. I just know that this is a cool way to live. It’s a good life. It’s not perfect. It is perfectly messy. Some days I slip, and forget to ask the question. Many days of slipping has taught me that they are never my best days. I know I’m going to grow forgetful, but I’ve learned to trust in God’s nearness, even when I wander. You should try it. Maybe you don’t want to try it for a year, but you could try it for today…

March 13
Teresa McBean