Day 43 - A community of cry babies and laughing hyenas
Scripture focus: Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15 NIV
One of the more interesting aspects of living in community is the experience I think of as guilt by association. Recently I was in a vulnerable position - getting my eyebrows waxed - when a stranger came up and felt free to confront me about the apparent wrongdoing of one of our NorthStar Community members. According to this woman - whose face I never actually saw (who wants an eyeball waxing?) - our community is doing a mighty poor job of reflecting God's character. Evidently, we simply aren't praising God enough. She reports that on several occasions she has witnessed a number of us (including me) having coffee - and sometimes shedding a tear or two. Evidently this is bad behaving. It's funny to me what people commentate on! I was immediately reminded of the time a group of us got booted out of a local fast food restaurant because we laughed too much and too loudly! I think you'll appreciate the level of self-restraint (and wax) required to enable me to respond to such unsolicited feedback with, "Thank you for sharing your perspective with me." Let me be completely honest. My measured response had much more to do with not wanting to lose an entire eye brow than it did spiritual maturity! In the book Running In Circles, I believe that Engelmann would say this conversation qualifies as an example of "the language of opposite reaction" - the third form of false spirituality that keeps us stuck in cyclical suffering. (When someone's insides and outsides don't match.) After the anonymous critiquing stranger left the salon, another very kind woman interjected a gentle and gracious note into the conversation. "I realize that she sounded very rude in what she said to you, and I just want you to know: she is suffering terribly. She has a child who has just come out of the closet, admitted he is HIV-positive, and as a result - she has been asked to give up all leadership positions in her church until her son repents. She is trying to deal with this in a positive manner. She says that God says that we are supposed to rejoice in all things and that's what she is trying to do. I hope this helps you understand her position." Again, I was thankful for her concern and expressed my gratitude. Here's my concern. I honestly do not think that this woman's belief that God wants us to walk around with a fake smile and a teeth-grinding, fist-clinching determination to "Don't worry - be happy." And I don't know, but if I were in this woman's shoes, I think I'd be crying once in awhile; I think I would mourn over a son's positive HIV status. If I saw someone crying in Starbuck's, I think I would think - "Boy, can I relate!" I don't know - perhaps her disposition is such that she can productively suffer without a good cry once in awhile. I, however, cannot. And I don't think that makes me a bad person. The apostle Paul had more to say about suffering than just "be happy." He also said rejoice and mourn appropriately. I happen to believe it is awesome to have a choice as to whether we laugh too loudly or cry too often. That's freedom. It requires flexibility and discernment. I got tickled at Pete's grandmother's funeral. Someone told one of those funny, funny true tales about Gram Peabody and I couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the service. Some might be offended by this response - but Pete's grandmother would have no doubt seen it as a fitting tribute to a life lived with exuberance - and lots of loud everything - including laughing. I shed more than one tear after a visit to the nursing home where she lay in profound misery during the final months of her life. She hated having to be served rather than serve others. That was (in my opinion) a far more fitting time to mourn than on the day we celebrated her life and acceptance into her true home - heaven. If we want to grow big hearts and strong spiritual muscles - it's gotta start with honesty. I pray that today you will tell God, yourself, and another person the exact nature of your suffering. (And, if at all possible, can we stop judging how others express suffering? That would be very mature.) Then, let's see how God responds and rescues.
Recommended reading: Exodus 34 and 35 in the morning; Matthew 28 and Proverbs 9 in the evening
1 comment:
T, you're right in saying that woman believed that showing extreme emotion in a church setting was inappropriate. What I think she may also be feeling is despair that everyone can go on with their happy lives while she suffers. I think we've all been in that position at one time or another. I used to get angry at others when they wouldn't commiserate with me when I was going through. I've since learned that in a real community, there are those who will do that for you and then try to make you laugh. I call that people real friends.
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