Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World
Day 207 – Telling it like it is…or talking out of turn?
Scripture focus: By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue – it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. My friends, this can’t go on. James 3:6-10, (selections from those verses) The Message
“I’m just telling you how I feel.” I say to my husband while trying to win him over to my viewpoint. I felt so…righteous as I said those seven little words. Hey, isn’t it healthy to have and express a wide range of emotions? Well…sort of. But there are exceptions. Just because I have a feeling, it doesn’t mean I have the right to express it. People do not owe us a listen. The only person responsible for my emotional luggage is…me. A wide range of emotional responses is healthy. The next step will require us to learn how to respond to our emotions – while continuing to love God and others as we love ourselves.
Here’s what I’m learning – it is always a great idea to pause to prepare before I share my feelings. I ask myself “Why are you sharing?” If I’m opening myself up to be known, sharing for the sake of intimacy and full disclosure AND I am sharing this information with a person who I have an appropriate level of intimacy with – that’s fine. But it is completely inappropriate to share my feelings with a virtual stranger, or acquaintance. Boundary violations occur if I over-share at work or lounging by the pool with casual friends. It’s not okay to share my feelings, even with those I love, if in the sharing, I’m focused more on me than the relationship I might be about to ruin by my emotional rant. I have a policy that I try to remember before I express my feelings. First, I ask for permission to share. Second, I tell my dear friend what I need from them.
Sometimes I say, “Hey, I am freaking out. I would like to share this with you – are you in a space where you can listen to my big feelings? I know that what I’m sharing isn’t even consistent with what I believe – but I just need to let it out. Is this okay with you?” You can see that this is the kind of sharing that requires a very deep connection between speaker and listener. This isn’t stating a preference for pizza or burgers! Notice that this kind of sharing is me owning my feelings – it is not about me using my feelings to manipulate someone to give me my way.
I also ask, “How will I share?” By sharing strong feelings with another, sometimes we unwittingly (or intentionally) end the opportunity for dialogue. If we’ve expressed ourselves with an angry tone, or sarcasm, or inappropriate humor – we shut others down. If we glare as we share, if our tone is harsh, if we communicate that we care more about how we feel than the person we’re sharing with – others will rightfully conclude that we are unsafe people. If we communicate a lack of interest in asking and listening to another’s feelings, we quickly communicate that the conversation is more about spew than share.
With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Whether we intend it or not – sometimes when we share how we feel, we are actually cursing the very men and women God made in his image. When I told Pete how I felt – I never intentionally meant it as cursing. But big hearted people need to set aside good intentions, and learn how to love well. I messed up. Have you ever expressed your feelings and hurt another?
Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 11 and 12 in the morning; Romans 10 in the evening
“I’m just telling you how I feel.” I say to my husband while trying to win him over to my viewpoint. I felt so…righteous as I said those seven little words. Hey, isn’t it healthy to have and express a wide range of emotions? Well…sort of. But there are exceptions. Just because I have a feeling, it doesn’t mean I have the right to express it. People do not owe us a listen. The only person responsible for my emotional luggage is…me. A wide range of emotional responses is healthy. The next step will require us to learn how to respond to our emotions – while continuing to love God and others as we love ourselves.
Here’s what I’m learning – it is always a great idea to pause to prepare before I share my feelings. I ask myself “Why are you sharing?” If I’m opening myself up to be known, sharing for the sake of intimacy and full disclosure AND I am sharing this information with a person who I have an appropriate level of intimacy with – that’s fine. But it is completely inappropriate to share my feelings with a virtual stranger, or acquaintance. Boundary violations occur if I over-share at work or lounging by the pool with casual friends. It’s not okay to share my feelings, even with those I love, if in the sharing, I’m focused more on me than the relationship I might be about to ruin by my emotional rant. I have a policy that I try to remember before I express my feelings. First, I ask for permission to share. Second, I tell my dear friend what I need from them.
Sometimes I say, “Hey, I am freaking out. I would like to share this with you – are you in a space where you can listen to my big feelings? I know that what I’m sharing isn’t even consistent with what I believe – but I just need to let it out. Is this okay with you?” You can see that this is the kind of sharing that requires a very deep connection between speaker and listener. This isn’t stating a preference for pizza or burgers! Notice that this kind of sharing is me owning my feelings – it is not about me using my feelings to manipulate someone to give me my way.
I also ask, “How will I share?” By sharing strong feelings with another, sometimes we unwittingly (or intentionally) end the opportunity for dialogue. If we’ve expressed ourselves with an angry tone, or sarcasm, or inappropriate humor – we shut others down. If we glare as we share, if our tone is harsh, if we communicate that we care more about how we feel than the person we’re sharing with – others will rightfully conclude that we are unsafe people. If we communicate a lack of interest in asking and listening to another’s feelings, we quickly communicate that the conversation is more about spew than share.
With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Whether we intend it or not – sometimes when we share how we feel, we are actually cursing the very men and women God made in his image. When I told Pete how I felt – I never intentionally meant it as cursing. But big hearted people need to set aside good intentions, and learn how to love well. I messed up. Have you ever expressed your feelings and hurt another?
Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 11 and 12 in the morning; Romans 10 in the evening
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