Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World
Day 219 – Don’t Hold Back
Scripture focus: Count yourself lucky – God holds nothing against you and you’re holding nothing back from him. Psalm 32:2 The Message
So, are you longing for a mulligan? If so, then you need to stop holding back – from God, self and others.
“Addicts withhold a major portion of themselves – a pain deeply felt, but never expressed or witnessed. They do not trust nor do they become intimate with others, especially their families fear of abandonment and shame are at the core of addiction. Family members, too, become more isolated as the addiction progresses. Their lives are filled with secret concerns about themselves and their families. Their worst fear is also discovery. The sum total of the apprehension means that the family members end up feeling lonely, keeping secrets, and hurting. The obvious is ignored in the hopes it will disappear, and the family sinks deeper.” Out Of The Shadows, by Patrick Carnes, p. 6-7.
When Scott and his friend play a round of golf, they don’t try to hide their bad shots from one another. This requires a good bit of trust and safety in the relationship. What if Scott hits a really bad shot, and his friend mocks him? Or if he says, “I’m going to play another ball” and the others in the group say, “Hey, that’s against the rules!” This turns the game into serious competition. Every shot counts. The pressure is on. The game is no longer friendly – it’s a competition. Scott and his friends refuse to compete – they prefer relationship to trophies. Competitive golf is a one man game. And that’s fine if that’s the game you choose to play. But it’s terrible when we live as if life is a competition. It causes us to hold back. We hide our shortcomings and defects so as not to give the competition an advantage. If we want to start enjoying our life, we must begin with telling the truth about our life as it is today. We need to be willing to not hold back. Here are some suggestions as to how to begin the opening up process.
· Find a faith community that won’t hold stuff against you. I’m not talking about a community that loves all mushy gushy, always telling you how great you are. I’m talking about an authentic community that accepts where you are at this moment, but loves you too much to lie to you about the truth of the situation.
· Evaluate yourself. Are you holding back? Are you telling the truth about your situation but not the whole truth? What’s up with that? Who are you hiding from – yourself, God, other people?
· Evaluate your relationships. True love never has to sacrifice the truth. But it is always accompanied with grace. You may need some new friends. Here are some qualities I think are essential in good friends: they don’t evaluate your game and inventory your life – but they pay attention to your life, because they love you. Good friends don’t give you unwanted feedback, but can provide really helpful feedback if you ask for it. I like to hang out with people who desire the same kind of life that I want. I want friends who sincerely have my best interests at heart – which means they are both gracious and truthful. I want friends who value me – and if they have the need to devalue me, then that’s not friendship. I have found that it is possible to tell a tough truth without a hint of devaluing in the process. I want friends who want me for a friend. I’ve also discovered that all of these guidelines need to be reciprocal. I can’t expect someone to treat me in a way I’m not willing to treat them.
Recommended reading: Ezra 3, 4 in the morning; 1 Corinthians 3, Psalm 27 in the evening
So, are you longing for a mulligan? If so, then you need to stop holding back – from God, self and others.
“Addicts withhold a major portion of themselves – a pain deeply felt, but never expressed or witnessed. They do not trust nor do they become intimate with others, especially their families fear of abandonment and shame are at the core of addiction. Family members, too, become more isolated as the addiction progresses. Their lives are filled with secret concerns about themselves and their families. Their worst fear is also discovery. The sum total of the apprehension means that the family members end up feeling lonely, keeping secrets, and hurting. The obvious is ignored in the hopes it will disappear, and the family sinks deeper.” Out Of The Shadows, by Patrick Carnes, p. 6-7.
When Scott and his friend play a round of golf, they don’t try to hide their bad shots from one another. This requires a good bit of trust and safety in the relationship. What if Scott hits a really bad shot, and his friend mocks him? Or if he says, “I’m going to play another ball” and the others in the group say, “Hey, that’s against the rules!” This turns the game into serious competition. Every shot counts. The pressure is on. The game is no longer friendly – it’s a competition. Scott and his friends refuse to compete – they prefer relationship to trophies. Competitive golf is a one man game. And that’s fine if that’s the game you choose to play. But it’s terrible when we live as if life is a competition. It causes us to hold back. We hide our shortcomings and defects so as not to give the competition an advantage. If we want to start enjoying our life, we must begin with telling the truth about our life as it is today. We need to be willing to not hold back. Here are some suggestions as to how to begin the opening up process.
· Find a faith community that won’t hold stuff against you. I’m not talking about a community that loves all mushy gushy, always telling you how great you are. I’m talking about an authentic community that accepts where you are at this moment, but loves you too much to lie to you about the truth of the situation.
· Evaluate yourself. Are you holding back? Are you telling the truth about your situation but not the whole truth? What’s up with that? Who are you hiding from – yourself, God, other people?
· Evaluate your relationships. True love never has to sacrifice the truth. But it is always accompanied with grace. You may need some new friends. Here are some qualities I think are essential in good friends: they don’t evaluate your game and inventory your life – but they pay attention to your life, because they love you. Good friends don’t give you unwanted feedback, but can provide really helpful feedback if you ask for it. I like to hang out with people who desire the same kind of life that I want. I want friends who sincerely have my best interests at heart – which means they are both gracious and truthful. I want friends who value me – and if they have the need to devalue me, then that’s not friendship. I have found that it is possible to tell a tough truth without a hint of devaluing in the process. I want friends who want me for a friend. I’ve also discovered that all of these guidelines need to be reciprocal. I can’t expect someone to treat me in a way I’m not willing to treat them.
Recommended reading: Ezra 3, 4 in the morning; 1 Corinthians 3, Psalm 27 in the evening
Copyright 2008 NorthStar Community
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