Scripture focus: It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: …divided homes and divided lives… Galatians 5:19-20 The Message
The word “seditions” is the King James translation for what Peterson calls “divided homes and divided lives.” This is a compound Greek word dichostasia, which means “to stand apart, as one who rebels and steps away from someone to whom he should have been loyal.” In some cases and in some families – the healthy response to bad behaving is to step away from the relationship and gain some much needed perspective. In recovery lingo, this is often called detachment. Let’s not get confused – this is not the equivalent of a form of end stage codependency called withdrawal.
This concept is very discombobulating for the recovery community. Parents of addicted children, spouses of the addicted, siblings, friends and co-workers often feel disloyal when they have to break ties with someone who they appreciate, love and even respect – when they are not impaired. People who study addictive family systems report that it is normal for families and friends to rally around the addicted, and spend a great deal of energy in an attempt to stop the “dividing” spiral. Counselors, treatment professionals, and even support groups often offer up a word of encouragement – detach. And on a good night, they offer up three words – detach with love. But to the hurting family this FEELS like dividing the community.
Hear me on this. The family and/or community is divided the moment one member of the community begins to love a “thing” more than people. A family and/or community is divided when one person is given more attention and less accountability than the other members of that community. Folks, that’s when the division takes place. Detaching with love is acknowledging the division – not initiating the process.
I have a friend who feels deeply convicted about his decision to divorce his wife. He feels as if he is dividing his home. He still struggles to understand that his wife’s abusive nature, uncontrolled fits of rage and bullying divided them years and years ago. I’d love for this family to experience restoration and healing. But for that to happen, everyone would have to get brutally honest about what really caused the split. It wasn’t a visit to an attorney – it was the perpetual stepping away from someone, someone to whom loyalty should have been granted.
I hate to say this, but sometimes we are all guilty of not seeing our part in the dividing process. So let’s pray for each other today, and encourage each other – to stop the cycle of blame, shame and guilt. Instead, we can ask ourselves a better question: what is my part and what should I do next? Remember. Others do not owe us kind treatment. But as believers, we owe that to others. Detachment is an act of love – if done with kindness and dignity. It helps others learn that foul treatment of others is unacceptable. It invites them to change. It protects us from those who prefer to divide than mend. And best of all – it actually encourages transformation. If I could give my newly divorced friends one word of advice for the future it would be this: when division happens in a relationship where loyalty should be a core value – deal with it swiftly; acknowledge it honestly; seek help immediately. Don’t wait years to end up in divorce, when perhaps, maybe, possibly - difficult but loving, kind, dignified and respectful confrontation could have set the tone for repentance.
Recommended reading: Job 19 and 20 in the morning; Job 21 and 22 in the evening
Copyright 2008 NorthStar Community
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