August 22
Scripture focus: "If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love. Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there." Matthew 18:15-20 (The Message)
I once believed that today's scripture focus was God's written permission to make sure that anyone and everyone who hurt my feelings got an earful from me. I assumed that the fellow believer was charged with listening to the offense and repenting of the harm they had done me! I liked that interpretation. When I began trying to put this principle into practice, I discovered that I was in need of some serious coaching. My interpretation didn't seem to ever lead to working things out. Instead, it seemed that it just caused more hurt feelings.
Here's where I went wrong. I failed to take into account the truth that expressing hurt must fall within the boundary of taking responsibility for my own feelings. It misses the point of the text to read this instruction and then go to your fellow believer loaded with ammunition. "You hurt my feelings when you..." isn't really the same as working out a relationship "ouchy" by accepting personal responsibility for my feelings.
Here's what I've discovered. I've learned that when I feel hurt, I often misbehave. So although this has proven to be a much more humbling experience, I now find myself applying Matthew 18 differently – I'm usually required to make an amends. "I felt...when...happened. That resulted in me doing..., which was totally inappropriate. I realize that I hurt you when I did that. How can I make restitution? I was wrong, and I'd like to ask your forgiveness."
Usually this results in things getting worked out. Sometimes my offense is such that we have to bring in mediators to help us sort out the carnage. Once in awhile, the process of amending and reconciling results in my fellow believer having an insight about how maybe they, too, could have handled matters differently. But that's not really the goal – if it were, then my attempts at speaking and listening were really more about manipulation than making up.
The healthy boundary of expressing hurt feelings and working towards reconciliation is clearly a good idea. It's one way we accept responsibility for our feelings, attitudes and behaviors. But it isn't easy.
If you find yourself with a bundle of hurt feelings, perhaps it would be helpful to think about how your pain has resulted in you causing more pain. Just a thought. May we draw nearer to God and others as grow up in our salvation!
Recommended reading: 2 Kings 19-21
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