August 29
Scripture focus: Don't you remember the rule we had when we lived with you? "If you don't work, you don't eat." And now we're getting reports that a bunch of lazy good-for-nothings are taking advantage of you. This must not be tolerated. We command them to get to work immediately—no excuses, no arguments—and earn their own keep. Friends, don't slack off in doing your duty. 2 Thessalonians 3:10-13 (The Message)
Today's scripture focus reminds me that boundaries help us learn how to live well in community. Healthy communities thrive when everyone pitches in and helps with the "burdens" – those problems so big that it takes a village to bear them and each individual carries their own "load" – the every day responsibilities that each individual can and should handle on their own.
Here are a few examples of intolerable boundary violations:
- When children are not allowed to express appropriate "no's," it is oftentimes because parents have withdrawn their love and support any time the child expresses a personal preference. This is blackmail, and often results in extremely compliant children who are also fearful, distrustful and unappreciative of their own healthy desire for autonomy. This withdrawal is often passive and hard to identify as a problem. The next example is a lot easier to spot.
- Angry words, punishment or inappropriate consequences meted out when a child expresses a boundary is evidence that parents are hostile towards boundaries. The only thing this teaches is how to avoid wrath. It doesn't help a kid learn how to delay gratification or trust their own instincts. Although this kind of anger may teach a child how to present a façade of "needless and wantless," it may also be creating an inward fermenting of anger, depression, substance abuse issues, etc. Watch out, these kids might just grow up to be as hostile and angry as their parental units!
- Not all parents are angry – some are super caring, even to the point of going out of their way to help a child avoid feeling the sting of consequences for mistakes and mis-steps. Although we might think we'd like people to always be jumping in front of potential encounters with suffering, this kind of super saving often leaves a kid adverse to risk-taking and too enmeshed with their human saviors.
- Of course, if there are parents who set way too many limits, there are also the ones who are limitless. Lack of boundaries is the opposite of hostility, and creates kids who may have difficulty hearing others' boundaries or recognizing others' needs.
- Inconsistent limits has its own set of problems, often leaving the child confused.
- Trauma also hurts; people who experience trauma may have their foundations so shaken that it's hard to build healthy boundaries.
- Some personalities are more teachable and responsive to boundaries than others.
- Finally, when we and/or others live independently of God, the flourishing of sin in this shame-inflamed environment certainly contributes to boundary violations.
Recommended reading: 1 Chronicles 16-18
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