August 4
Scripture focus: The heart knows its own bitterness, and no one shares its joy. Proverbs 14:10
In one of Cloud and Townsend's many excellent books on the subject, they describe boundaries as an intangible fence with gates. The purpose of boundaries is to provide clear separation between what is self and what is other.
The gates serve the purpose of providing an exit for things that are bad, and an entryway for things that are good. In an ideal world, our families help us learn how to use both the fence and the gates appropriately. When that doesn't happen, we get into trouble.
When Scott had his physical and got his feelings hurt by the pediatrician, he had choices. He could have stewed in silence. Instead, he opened a gate and let it out – thereby giving me a window into his heart. Because he shared what he was experiencing internally, an opportunity for feedback presented itself.
This is a good example of how boundaries are intended to function.
The pediatrician was very helpful too. In his own humorous way, he was instructing both Scott and I that feeling really smart at age nine is not a bad thing, it's just a thing. It's normal. It's developmentally appropriate. No big deal. If Scott reaches the ripe old age of twenty-five and continues to think he's smarter than everyone else – he's got problems.
Notice that no one suggested to Scott that he develop more humility. That would be asking way too much for a nine-year-old boy to accomplish! When people ask either too much or too little of us, we may not learn how to use both the fence and its gates appropriately.
Growing up will provide all of us the opportunity to learn some important principles about personal responsibility.
- What's my part?
- What's someone else's part?
- How do I love others without jumping over their fence?
- When is it appropriate to allow others access to my heart?
In tomorrow's devotional, we'll begin addressing these questions and more....
Recommended reading: 2 Samuel 10-12
3 comments:
We have some "friends" who have an adult child that is possible that they have been enabling for far to long. Within the last few months they finally set some healthy boundries for themselves. It seems their healthy boundries are becoming very uncomfortable for the adult child and also a motivator.They have seen their child decide that her addiction issues are not real and return to using. They have watched her decide now is the time to find a house or another residence. They have also watched the inatention to her child grow because of a laptop. They knew what setting the boundries could lead to and took the next right step. While the boundries are working for the benefit of the parents, they do worry were it will lead the child or more importantly now the grandchild. They for once are not changing the boundries but holding firm, this is for their health. I can tell you that everyday they struggle with turning worry into trust. If you can add the family to your prayers they need the strenght of community.
When I read this story I'm reminded of the gift of bringing a bottom "up" - as long we're enabling, we're allowing our loved ones to keep on keeping on. In this moment, I bet these parents might fear that they're doing the "wrong" thing, because by all appearances this precious child is getting "worse", i.e., using again. I guess that's why I love this quote, "I can tell you that everyday they struggle with turning worry into trust." They could have stayed in denial, kept their loosey goosey boundaries and the entire family would have continued to experience negative reaping. This way, they're limiting the collatoral damage - and giving all who share their story an example of courage. blessings and prayers for you and yours...
I am going threw the same thing with my 18 yr old son. It is so hard to draw the line, especially when you do not know how to create or keep the boundaries. I told him he had to find another place to live, which he did and he ended up getting shot and almost died, now he is back at my home in my care. What is a Mom to do?
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