NorthStar Community Daily Devotional

Day 282 – Develop a workable plan: Pick the right kind of friends

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Scripture focus: Be alert. If you see your friend going wrong, correct him. Luke 17:3, The Message

Lesson three: Surround yourself with awesome friends, and learn how to appreciate correction.

I have lived much of my life very foolishly. I hope I’m growing up some, but the truth is, I spent half of my life clueless. I didn’t like correction, but I loved to offer advice. That’s foolishness. Then I acquired some trustworthy friends. And I discovered the value of having the kind of friend who could lovingly correct me.

I have learned a lot from my friends. I regret all those wasted years spent walking around with my ears shut and my lips flapping. I think a big part of the problem was immaturity. But there was a second factor that encouraged me to rethink myself – the quality of my relationships. Before correction can be received, it’s really important that the relationship between the advisor and advisee be built on a solid foundation of love and respect. If I’m going to receive advice, and heed it, the advisor will probably be someone who I know has my best interests at heart. Otherwise, criticism feels like devaluing or an attempt to wound or self-serving or insensitive or out of context or lacking understanding. (See all the ways we can discount advice?) I hope I’ve developed more sensitive “listening ears” in recent years. But to be honest, I really think I have learned how to choose my friends more carefully.

There’s a second point that Pausch makes that is super important. As a College Professor, Pausch’s classes worked collaboratively on projects. He realized early on that to be an effective teacher, he needed to teach his students more than just computer skills. Unless a team could work well together – it didn’t matter how geeky they were – the project would falter. So he instituted a way for teams to critique each other. He illustrates the importance of feedback by harkening back to his youth with a really good story.

I could tell Pausch loved his football coach – even if he was grumpy. Old-school and definitely not worried about his team’s fragile feelings, he was quick to criticize and slow to praise. After one particularly grueling practice, the assistant coach taught Randy a valuable lesson. “You know, Coach rode you pretty hard today. That means he believes in you. When someone believes in you, and challenges you to do better – that’s a good thing. The time you need to get worried is when people stop giving you advice. That means they’ve given up on you.”

I spend my life today receiving feedback (sometimes I even welcome it). I don’t throw around advice like loose change anymore. Part of that is because I’ve realized I don’t have that much good advice to offer! But it’s also because I tell myself the truth – most people don’t want it. I don’t know where you are on the spectrum of receiver or giver of advice. But in order to grow a big heart, it will be helpful if we all become better friends to each other. That way we won’t have to fret about how often we listen or when we speak. We’ll begin to experience the “unforced rhythms of grace” that Jesus wants to teach us. We’ll find ourselves listening without needing to interrupt or defend, speaking freely but only when prudent to do so – led by the Spirit rather than our perceived needs. This would truly be the abundant life! May you find good friends who want to listen and are willing to speak gently, lovingly, and respectfully back – when necessary!



Recommended reading: Jeremiah 13 and 14 in the morning; 1 Thessalonians 1, 2 in the evening

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