Day 19

Scripture focus: Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye. Proverbs 7:2 NIV

Scott and I have a deeper bond than mother and son. We are also brothers and sisters in Christ; co-laborers in the fields ripe for the harvest. We are joined by a connection that reaches back to the beginning of time. Both come from the imagination of God – who created us as humans who bear the image of our heavenly Father. From this perspective, I am old enough to realize that sometimes we must tumble before we triumph; victory is not always sweet, but mostly sweaty. Scripture teaches us that we enter into the refiner’s fire more than we march like little soldiers in blind compliance to the instructions of a God who prefers obedience over sacrifice (see Micah 6:6-9 for what God really prefers).

It aggravates me when my kids forget to write thank you notes or hang out with girls that have boyfriends back home. I am prone to confusion and may see their lapses in judgment as something I am responsible for unless I continue to remember who I am responsible to (ultimately mostly God).

Notice the subtle shift when I realign my perspective.

No longer am I the guardian of my children’s choices. Suddenly, the focus shifts to my choices as a mother who is responsible to model, guide and instruct.

Oh Lord, have I kept your commands? Am I living in tune with the unforced rhythms of your grace, guided by the voice of the Holy Spirit? Have I guarded your teachings as the apple of my eye?

Inevitably, I discover that the best I can do for my children is to take responsibility for myself. Do you sense my heavy sigh? My children’s stories fascinate and intrigue me. I never tire of studying them. Returning to the place of honest self-reflection is less fascinating and more frustrating than I would care to admit.

More on why our children benefit from less obsessive parenting and more obedience on the part of their parental units tomorrow…

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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is so timely for me. I NEED to know how to parent less obsessively! There are days I feel like I'm tumbling around in self-doubt, fear and regrets. Why is it I can't accept my children just as they are. When will I learn not to step in and try to fix them or rescue them, long after they have left the nest? It feels like such a natural compulsion as a parent, yet it's not welcome, nor is it within healthy boundaries. So, as you can see, I need guidance and wisdom.

July 19, 2010 at 6:38 AM
Anonymous said...

What a fascinating concept--allowing God to be in charge of the outcome and allowing adult children to be made in His image instead of the image of the earthly parent!! The really sad thing about this behavior is that it continues until your children have children and even grand-children. At what point do you let go and learn to love your children without trying to fit them into your mold?

July 19, 2010 at 7:19 AM
Anonymous said...

From a very personal experiential perspective, I can say that it helps to realize that my mold isn't so great - so why would i want them to fit into it? That makes the decision to become students of them easier than believing that it is my job to mold and shape 'em.

Secondly, sometimes our children do unacceptable things. That's a fact. so I'm not suggesting that it is ever ok to go to the place of willy nilly "acceptance." That said, I think there is a place where we can tell the truth AND love large. Age matters. The issue matters. In the instance Scott wrote about, for example. Pete and I felt no need to provide any kind of coaching/feedback/ascribing "wrong" - because we had studied Scott. We knew he had good friends who were providing plenty of tough love. We could listen without stating the obvious. We could support his journey. We did not feel like we were dealing with a person in denial. We considered our place in the story, and agreed that it was to be an active listener, empathetic and encouraging. If he had been nine and was still unclear about values, etc., we might have chosen a different role. So this is a long way of saying that if any of us feel stuck in how to parent, if we lack clarity, it might help to take a deep breath, step back and ask for some feedback. The thing is, there is no one right way or answer. There are nuances and developmental considerations. I think the thing that should engender holy fear is when we look at our parenting tool belt and realize we always pull out a hammer no matter what the situation, rather than acquiring a variety of responses/tools/etc. and figuring out which tool to use in each unique situation. i think this discussion is larger than parenting too. For example, we tend to have life experiences that are impactful and then we think that everyone needs the same experience in order to get the good result we received. Maybe someone gets sober at NSC and think the principles that we use are the only way to get sober. Baloney. Someone makes a huge life adjustment because others were very direct and blunt with them, so they think that is the way to go. others are treated gently and empathetically, and they think the "tough love" approach is just plain mean. I love how God invites us to learn that there are lots of ways to skin a cat....i love how God provides ways for us to gain wisdom...rather than a list of "must do's"!

July 19, 2010 at 12:12 PM
hzjewl said...

This is the type of message I need to hear on a regular basis. I so often want to sink into shame and blame for the way my son is turning out; but despite his social immaturity, he is a pretty good kid. He could be out in the streets doing God knows what and ending up on the 6, 10, & 11 o'clock news, but he's not. He's just content to stay home and when he wants something, he leaves the house. Last week he told me what college he wants to go to. My heart leaped for joy over that statement. I, however, know that most of his statements make my heart leap and for that, I am truly thankful.

July 19, 2010 at 5:26 PM

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