April 25

Read Job 11 and 12

“Shouldn’t someone make you ashamed?”

The day began like any other, and unfortunately, ended like many. Another day when I sit and watch one person take on the job of shaming another. This, I think to myself, is why I sometimes despair. I have no idea why we seem to think that “making others ashamed” is of value. It seems to me that shaming is packaged like a value meal. Shaming is usually accompanied with a side dish of self-righteous indignation and a large size helping of anger.

During this particular meeting it is parental shame that makes my heart weep. “I expected more of you than this.” “You can do far better than this.” “Well, I know you want to change, but I am just not so sure whether you can. Son, you’ve proven to be a huge disappointment to me.” “I just don’t understand how you can be so stupid!” On and on it goes. Who knows where it will stop?

It certainly doesn’t end in a child saying, “Gee Dad! How right you are! I can do better than this! I’m ready to go to any lengths to become my best self!” It’s far more likely that this kid will comply and lay low – going through the motions of good behaving – and run out and self-medicate at the first distracted moment on the part of his hyper-vigilant parents.

I know the heartbreak of disappointed spouses, parents, siblings and friends. This time, they had so hoped it would be different. They hoped their optimism would not be misplaced. Relapse stinks. Living with disappointed expectations stinks too. I get that. What continues to baffle me is why caring people think that heaping shame on another is an effective intervention tool.

I understand that the shamer has noble goals. Like Zophar and Bildad, these folks sincerely believe that they are trying to inspire, encourage, and motivate positive change. Whether it is a parent, a spouse, a sibling or a dear friend – these masters of shame see themselves as helpers, not hinderers, in the restoration process.

This is another mystery to me – what evidence does anyone have that shaming has ever worked? I grant you, it sometimes bows the shoulders and head; it occasionally results in short term compliance – but has it ever in the history of mankind made the “shamee” a better person? I think not.

And here’s another thought. Zophar, in his misguided attempts to shame Job into better believing and behaving, gets it wrong. God was rewarding Job in his own mysterious God ways. Zophar is certain that this is all about punishment. Think about that – Zophar could not even shame Job with any degree of accuracy.

Two points not to forget: (1).Shaming doesn’t work and (2).Shamers generally make themselves look foolish. In fact, Zophar revealed more about himself than Job as he ranted on. Zophar was arrogant and ill-equipped to deal with Job’s suffering in a way that pleased God. Soon we will read about God’s utter displeasure with Job’s so-called friends – and his indictment of these friends. So let me leave you with this thought.

If you know and love someone who is in desperate need of a thorough fourth step experience, please get out of their way and not hinder their progress. There is no value in your attempts to shame, blame and manipulate them into compliance. Finally, if you are the one in need of a fourth step, and you’ve allowed others’ mishandling of your suffering to make you stubborn and recalcitrant – please rethink your position.

God judges each of us according to our deeds. He’s perfectly capable of handling your foolish friends. Since you are going to give an account of your actions too, why not go ahead and take the next right step?

Thought for today: the Lord finished speaking to Job, he said to Eliphaz: “I am angry with you and your two friends, for you have not spoken accurately about me, as my servant Job has.” Job 42:7 NLT

Thought for tomorrow: It is possible to handle misdeeds, pain and suffering without shaming. Consequences can be delivered – boundaries can be drawn – without belittling one another. We can learn how to treat each other with respect.

Job’s goofy friends provide me with lots of motivation. They remind me that it is possible to contribute to another’s problems instead of helping to alleviate them. I’ve got lots more to learn in this area – how about you?