Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 182 – Month At A Glance

Scripture focus: Read 2 Samuel 18 and parts of 19 – the messy story of David’s relationship with his rebellious son Absalom

This month’s devotions have focused on emotions and their appropriate place in our story. We’ve discussed big emotions and how unhealthy families usually have limited emotional expression and few skills for dealing with the big ones. We’ve considered the concept of perfectionism, guilt, shame, and all the symptoms of trying to be God (as opposed to becoming imitators of Christ).

But what I pray you take note of is the example of the life of David: David was a messy guy, a bad parent, probably struggled with depression, definitely lived in the land of denial, committed adultery and tried to cover up his crime with the murder of a good and loyal soldier. His kids were a mess. At least one of his many wives was embarrassed by him. Loyal friends became enemies. His subordinates didn’t always follow his instructions. He didn’t keep his daughters safe from predators – including their own kin.

AND he was a man after God’s own heart. He was the best king ever. He loved God. He took down a giant with a slingshot while grown men stood around quaking in their boots at the sight of the big guy. He showed mercy to a king who tried to kill him. He was loyal to his friend Jonathan. He grieved the loss of his children – even those that sought to destroy him.

David was a mere mortal who was deeply loved by God.


We are mere mortals and also deeply love by God.

I hope this truth frees us to take a closer look at our own limitations – not so that we’ll experience shame and self-depreciation – but so that we can embrace and enjoy how God is going to show his glory as he overcomes our weakness with his strength.

How awesome would it be to relax into the loving arms of God?

I can still remember how safe it felt to climb into my dad’s lap after dinner each night, and dip cookies in his coffee. His arms were strong and his knees sturdy. If my cookie broke off into his coffee - that was fine by him. My brothers often tried to usurp my place in the lap of my daddy. But neither he nor I would have it. This is how it is with God. We can sit in his lap, and no one can rip us out of the arms of our heavenly Father. No force or circumstance or enemy can snatch of out of the hands of our daddy. We’re safe. We can be weak and human and frail and developmentally challenged – and without condemnation. Oh, how I wish we would believe this profound reality!!!!

This completes the one hundred eighty second day of our three hundred sixty five day journey. May your journey draw you nearer to God, and closer to your true God-created identity.

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 15 and 16 in the morning; Psalm 147 and Proverbs 18 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 181 – Depression with a twist

Scripture focus: Read 2 Samuel 6, specifically, the story of the ark slipping…


Depression with a twist – one form of depression, according to David Seamands, is the inevitable depression that accompanies the quest for perfection. “Perfectionism is a counterfeit for Christian perfection, holiness, sanctification, or the Spirit-filled life. Instead of making us holy persons and integrated personalities – that is, whole persons in Christ – perfectionism leaves us spiritual Pharisees and emotional neurotics.” (Chapter 7, Healing for Damaged Emotions) In today’s reading, a few guys do the best they can to protect the ark – and get punished for their efforts. The ark was slipping, and they tried to grab it. They knew they weren’t supposed to touch it – but touch it they did. We can ask ourselves if God might have gone a bit overboard with the consequences for their mistake, or we could ask why they had the ark on such a rickety contraption. Either way – mortals are extremely limited. There is a God – none of us got the job. When we seek perfection, we are denying the reality of our creatureliness; we’re attempting to do what only God can accomplish. Seamands calls this kind of living perfectionistic. Here are some of his descriptions for this condition:


1. Constant feeling of never quite doing well enough or being good enough


2. Self-depreciation – never quite satisfied with self (and this usually transfers into the same attitude toward others too)


3. Anxiety – created for the abundant life, when we walk around feeling like the world isn’t quite good enough – this creates a generalized feeling of anxiety. We were created for joy and gratitude. This kind of frustration and fear goes against our true God-created identity. It’s normal but not sustainable without self-injury.


4. Oversensitive conscience and comprehensive guilt. This results in a rigid over-emphasis on do’s and don’ts, rules and regulations. (I’ve also noticed that this rigidity might be creative. For example, I’ve got a friend who is a heroin addict but will only eat organic food. She judges others who don’t adhere to her rigid eating plan. Maybe I’m crazy, but I think this is ironic. I’m pretty sure she’d be better off laying off the heroin, and maybe eating some junk food once in awhile.)


5. Anger – Since we were created to be gracious and kind and loving – our idolatrous attempts to seek personal perfection inevitably creates resentment, bitterness and frustration. Perfectionists are quick to speak and quicker to anger. Anger management isn’t going to solve this problem. Anger is a symptom of idolatry – and this painful pursuit of perfection must be ferreted out and then the anger issues will dissipate.


6. Denial – if perfectionism is our problem, it’s awfully hard to acknowledge our limitations.


And so, our impossible attempts to play God leads to depression. Seamands quotes John Fletcher, a contemporary of John Wesley (so this is an old problem) – “Some bind heavy burdens on themselves of their own making and when they cannot bear them, they are tormented in their consciences with imaginary guilt. Others go distracted through groundless fears of having committed the unpardonable sin. In a word, do we not see hundreds who, when they have reason to think well of their state, instead think there is no hope for them whatever?” It’s my prayer that if we have some of the chronic symptoms of idolatrous living, God will show us how the painful pursuit of perfection is killing our joy. Only God can show us this – denial is a powerful enemy, but no match for Holy God. May God have his way with us today!


Recommended reading: 2 Kings 13 and 14 in the morning; Acts 19 and Psalm 146 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 180 – Big feelings

Scripture focus: A right time to cry and another to laugh, a right time to lament and another to cheer, a right time to make love and another to abstain….see more about right times for big emotions in Ecclesiastes 3, The Message

In unhealthy families there is a tendency to limit the expression of emotions by labeling some “good” and others “bad.” Even Christians get into the act of emotional denial when they speak of anger as if it is a sin, or fear as if it is the antithesis of faith. Emotions are far more than alleged barometers of spiritual wellness. In fact, Solomon himself reminds us that big emotions are part of the human experience. Emotionally damaged folks sometimes struggle with matching an appropriate emotional response to an event. This is disconcerting, and sometimes dangerous. (Think about road rage, fits of temper over “small” dustups, bursts of physical violence, and even unexpected and seemingly illogical feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety.)


Sometimes I don’t know if my emotional responses or “normal” or “not quite right.”


I used to think this was “bad.” This shaming perspective didn’t improve my emotional wellness. Here’s what seems to be helping:


1. I make an effort to take my emotional temperature – and an awareness of a wide range of emotional responses. I’m working on truly feeling whether I want to cry or laugh – rather than worrying so much about the rightness or wrongness of the response.


2. I use theophostic prayer principles to guide my framework for my feelings. Dr. Ed Smith’s teachings suggest that when an event “triggers” an emotional response, it’s tapping into memories of when we’ve experienced this same emotion in the past. No wonder sometimes I feel like my emotions are “over the top”! I often ask myself questions like – what’s my first memory of this feeling? I ask the Holy Spirit to guide me and show me what’s really going on with me. I remember that when it comes to my reactions – a lot of times the issue isn’t really the issue.


3. I pause to prepare. I face my feelings full-force. I try not to run from them, or cover them over with crunchy peanut butter and chocolate.


4. I am a student of feelings. I read books and have conversations with others about emotions. It helps me not feel terminally unique – or alone. It allows me to stretch my viewpoint and deepen my awareness. I realize that feelings don’t determine reality – but they are very important. My feelings often lead me to long-harbored resentments or faulty beliefs that are messing with my mind. I respect feelings without letting them rule me.


5. I am learning new ways to respond to all my feelings. I am learning that when I feel angry, I can fully experience the anger AND not sin. I can be faithful and fearful. I can be weak and made strong by God.

I’m learning a bunch of stuff. How about you? Are your feelings a frontier ripe for further exploration?


Recommended reading: 2 Kings 11 and 12 in the morning; Acts 18 and Psalm 145 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 179 – Loving to help

Scripture focus: If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. James 1:5 The Message

In the Old Testament, an infirmity could get one in a lot of trouble. Usually referencing a physical defect or deformity, scripture is clear: offerings, sacrifices and even priests had to be “without spot or blemish.” In the New Testament, the reference to infirmity takes on a more metaphorical meaning. The Greek word for infirmity is really the negative for of “sthenos” – which means “strength.” In the New Testament, it refers primarily to weaknesses of the mental, moral and emotional kind.

Old Testament Priests were required to be without physical defect – but they had mental, moral and emotional blemishes. So when they offered a sacrifice for sin, they were asking on behalf of themselves and their people. In the New Testament, Jesus was without blemish of any kind. When Jesus was crucified – sacrificed – for the sins of all people – he did so as the entirely unblemished Lamb of God.

In Seamand’s chapter entitled The Wounded Healer, He makes an astounding point. He says it would be enough for Jesus to have atoned for our sin because he understood the truth of our infirmities – atonement is atonement. But – and this is a huge point – Jesus didn’t understand our brokenness at an intellectual level – HE FELT OUR INFIRMITIES.

How can the sinless Son of God feel our feelings of shame, know our emotional weaknesses, relate to our infirmed state? Because he felt as we feel. As a proof text, Seamands offers up this account of the humanity of Christ:

He “offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death, and was heard in that he feared. Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered” Hebrews 5:7-8

“Jesus wept” is not just the shortest verse in the bible – it’s the reason we can approach the throne of grace with confidence. He gets us. When we approach Jesus, he doesn’t exhort us to stop feeling the way we feel. He doesn’t demand that we grow up and stop crying like babies.

Emotionally unhealthy people often think the solution to their emotional longings is to become people who know what they’re doing (get “it” right and do “it” well – whatever “it” is) or figure a way to squash all that emoting. But the author of the book of James doesn’t shame us with angry exhortations to get “it” right or stop feeling big - he encourages us to remember who to ask for help! I wonder if emotional health is best expressed when we know how we feel and what we think we want – AND we acquire the wisdom to know how and when and where and to whom to express our longings. I wonder if the mature and emotionally healthy ask for help differently than those of us who are still in the early stages of healing.

How do you ask for help?

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 10 in the morning; Acts 17 and Psalm 144 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 178 – God with me

Scripture focus: ...”and they will call him Immanuel” – which means, “God with us.” Matthew 1:23 NIV

Yesterday was one of those days when I felt very lonely. I forgot that although lots of yucky things might be happening around me, God was still with me. Fortunately, I didn’t let that keep me from my evening quiet time. Opening up the scriptures, I came across three little words in Romans 8:26 that allowed me to sleep in peace – God “helps our infirmities”.

Infirmity is an interesting word. Some translate it as: weaknesses or crippling. Literally, it means “to take hold of on the other side” – a verb. But according to Seamands (Healing for Damaged Emotions), this word might better be translated as the work of the Holy Spirit, who becomes our helper, our team mate, who willingly works alongside us in a mutual effort of healing.

Scripture teaches us that the Holy Spirit acts as a counselor, corrector, and even a champion revealer of truth. It’s awesome news that we have a team at our disposal to help us with our weaknesses. In that same section of scripture, Paul reminds us that we often don’t know how to pray. And if he hadn’t immediately followed that statement up with an example of how the Holy Spirit moves in and “helps our infirmities” – the fact that I don’t know how to pray seems like one more reason to feel ashamed.

But Paul intends comfort in his message of hope.

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities – For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16 NIV

All of us are people in the process of teaming up with the Holy Spirit for the sake of healing. Along the way, it is nice when others support and encourage our efforts. But people inevitably disappoint – remember, we are all in process. And sometimes our messiness bumps up against another’s messy ways. I’d like to think that I could learn how to behave well on both good and bad days. My life would certainly be easier if others would learn how to live like this too! But if this is what we’re hoping for – our hope may be in vain.

God with us…a high priest who is able to feel our infirmities AND judges not.

This is by far a better place to confidently run when we’re in need of healing. It’s awesome when we form small communities of fellow sojourners to work on all this messy stuff together – and we must continue our community-dwelling experiences. But on the day when we’ve annoyed our community, or our community has annoyed us with errant shopping carts and other aggravating behaviors – it’s good to know where to turn before we turn in for the night.

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 8 and 9 in the morning; Psalm 143 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 177 – Red-faced guilt and lame excuses

Scripture focus: And now, children, stay with Christ. Live deeply in Christ. Then we’ll be ready for him when he appears, ready to receive him with open arms, with no cause for red-faced guilt or lame excuses when he arrives. 1 John 2:28 The Message

There are all sorts of ways to describe people with emotional baggage. Here are a few ways that David Seamands uses to discuss emotionally challenged people in need of divine healing.

1. Continuous feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, inferiority or an inner voice saying – “I am unworthy.”
2. The need for perfection – always striving, usually feeling guilty, driven by the ‘oughts’ and ‘shoulds’.
3. Super sensitivity – needing constant approval and affirmation
4. Fearful – fear of failure, fear of wrongdoing, struggle with making a decision

Other emotions give us fits too: anger management issues, depression, mood swings, and more – all indicate that we’ve got issues with our emotions. One could wrongly conclude that emotions are just too much trouble – and we should avoid them at all costs. I get this. I especially get that it doesn’t work. Everyone knows I have some hearing challenges; most people also get the fact that I have some listening issues too. Yesterday I had to do a lot of listening. Since it’s not exactly my strong suit, by late afternoon I was pretty tired and stressed. Especially considering the fact that most of what I heard was bad news. By the time I popped into my local grocery store for dinner fixings, I was pretty much unfit for public viewing.

I usually enjoy grocery shopping. I run into people I know and hear good stories and get caught up on how their kids are doing. But last night, my shopping experience was annoying. Some guy kept bumping me with his grocery cart because he was turned around yelling at his kid. The lady in front of me displayed a distinct lack of trust for the clerk, and kept challenging her scanning skills. This tripled her time in line. Usually this doesn’t bother me; I usually use this time to read magazines for free. But not this night - I just wanted to go home. Finally, I manage to unload my groceries on the conveyer belt and maneuver my way around to the front of my cart. Now the mad dad can bump my cart as long as he likes without aggravating me.

The suspicious purchaser is gone. My life is looking up.

And then the bagger boy asks, “Do you have a bad preference?”

“Why do you ask?” I respond with shock. How does this guy know about my “bad” preferences? Who told him that I prefer peanut butter and chocolate to fruits and vegetables when I’m stressed out? Does he realize that even as we speak, I’m trying to decide whether I’m going to go home and take my frustrations out via a good workout video or crawl into bed and mope? Who is this young bagger, who understands that I have bad preferences?

“Well, I was just wondering…do you want paper or plastic?” Oh…my…gosh. He didn’t ask if I had a bad preference – he asked if I had a bag preference! I walked into my favorite grocer’s super-sensitive, fearful, striving, and anxious. Although I lacked the energy to state a bagging preference (unless he’d agree to follow me home, unload my groceries and put them away neatly), I definitely had a bad mindset – and plenty of emotional baggage. Can you relate?

After a good night’s sleep, my personality seems on the mend – in large part because of the super good news tomorrow’s devotional will reveal.

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 6 and 7 in the morning; Acts 16 and Psalm 142 in the evening

Having a Heart in a Sometimes Heartless World

Day 176 – Week 26 – Messy spirituality

Scripture focus: Our involvement with God’s revelation doesn’t put us right with God. What it does is force us to face our complicity in everyone else’s sin. But in our time something new has been added…Romans 3:20-21 The Message

“We preachers have often given people the mistaken idea that the new birth and being ‘filled with the Spirit’ are going to automatically take care of emotional hang-ups. But this just isn’t true. A great crisis experience of Jesus Christ, as important and eternally valuable as this is, is not a shortcut to emotional health. It is not a quickie cure for personality problems. It is necessary that we understand this, first of all, so that we can compassionately live with ourselves and allow the Holy Spirit to work with special healing in our own hurts and confusion.

We also need to understand this in order to not judge other people too harshly, but to have patience with their confusing and contradictory behavior. They are people, like you and me, with hurts and scars and wrong programming that interfere with their present behavior. Understanding that salvation does not give instant emotional health offer us an important insight into the doctrine of sanctification. It is impossible to know how “Christian” a person is, merely on the basis of his outward behavior.” Healing for Damaged Emotions, by David Seamands, p.12

I have a friend who gently challenges churches to think about how they approach people – especially hurting ones. He says that sometimes we ask people what they believe, and if we discover that we believe the same stuff – then we can join in spiritual fellowship. You can only belong if you believe like everyone else in the community. My friend thinks this is “not quite right”. In his congregation, he encourages people to come and belong. And then together with all the other messily spiritual people in his community – he invites people to wrestle with what they believe. I love his perspective.

Emotionally healthy people are better equipped to patiently tolerate the confusing and contradictory behaving (and believing) of self and others. They’re the kind of people who can “belong” without requiring everyone else to “believe” the same things that they believe. Emotionally healthy people can tolerate frustration, fatigue, discouragement, and even disagreement – without being judgmental, unkind or disrespectful. I realize that, in theory, it seems like it is easier to get along with people who agree with us. I’m just not quite sure it’s the way Jesus thinks.

I used to think healthy people didn’t feel frustration or get overly tired or ever end up discouraged at the end of a long, hard day. I was wrong. And although I’d prefer to become a person who is unfamiliar with sorrow, I’m probably far better off praying instead to become a person who can respond to suffering, sorrow, dissent, disagreement, discouragement, fatigue, frustration and failure in an emotionally healthy manner.

All I know is that I’m glad it’s impossible to evaluate how “Christian” people are, based on their behavior.

Does this mean our behavior doesn’t matter? Of course not! Behavior is often a clue that alerts us to our deeply felt hurts and scars that interfere with our ability to behave in a manner that is consistent with what we truly believe. Or wish we could believe. May we have an emotionally healthy day – aware of both our behaving and believing – able to see the messiness and inconsistent choices – willing to trust in God to have his way with us in spite of our limitations - joining with the man who once cried to Jesus, “Lord, I believe! Help me in my unbelief!”

Recommended reading: 2 Kings 5 in the morning; Acts 15 and Psalm 141 in the evening

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Day 175 - Week 25 At A Glance Scripture focus: But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles. They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind. Isaiah 40:31 The Message This week we continued our focus on shame. We looked at concepts like: perfection, needless and wantless living, fraudulent feelings, and the perils of appearance management. I hope this week those of us who struggle with shame came to believe that we need a fresh start. We're fortunate - God's prevailing purposes include providing strength to the tired and lagging. As we wait on the Lord, may we wait eagerly. I want my wings and am willing to wait to soar. We have completed one hundred seventy-five days of a three hundred sixty day journey. May our journey draw us nearer to God! Recommended reading: 2 Kings 3 and 4 in the morning; Acts 14 and Psalm 140 in the evening

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Day 174 - Focus Scripture focus: But you, dear friends, carefully build yourselves up in this most holy faith by praying in the Holy Spirit, staying right at the center of God's love, keeping your arms open and outstretched, ready for the mercy of our Master, Jesus Christ. This is the unending life, the real life! Go easy on those who hesitate in the faith. Go after those who take the wrong way. Be tender with sinners, but not soft on sin. The sin itself stinks to high heaven. Jude 20-23 The Message keeping your arms open and outstretched Does that sound like the behavior of a person filled with shame? Does a person wrapped in shame expect the mercy of our Master? Can shame-driven folks go easy on those who hesitate in the faith? Would a shameful person be willing to risk going after those who take the wrong way? Does shame produce tenderness? I'm thinking no. Shame causes us to cross our arms and protect our heart from further condemnation. We neither expect mercy nor express it comfortably. We can't go easy on ourselves or others. Shame leaves us hyper-sensitive and super avoidant of every kind of wrong. Shame produces more tantrum than tenderness. That's a shame, isn't it? We were created to be open, inviting, loving, merciful, tender with sinners and tough on sin. Is shame holding you back? Recommended reading: 2 Kings 1 and 2 in the morning; Psalm 139 in the evening

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Day 173 - The other problem with appearance management Scripture focus: When push came to shove they cared more for human approval than for God's glory. John 12:43 The Message I sat in a class and listened to a lecturer articulate the concept of "people pleasing" - and although I was an expert at practicing the principle, I had never realized it was a problem! For me, people pleasing was normal. My mind never leapt to the next question - Is it healthy? But when this guy started contrasting people pleasing versus God pleasing - my heart dropped to the floor. It was a God moment - one of those moments of clarity you hate to have but desperately need. I realized that I had never really considered pleasing God. If the choice came was either God or people pleasing - I went for the approval of man over God every time. Plenty of scriptures warned me against this form of appearance management. I simply hadn't made the connection. I took a few days to process my new-found regret. I realized that I didn't think about pleasing God, because of two competing lies: 1. I figured I never could please Holy God, so why try? AND 2. I assumed God should be big enough to love me unconditionally. Crazy, huh? Today, I feel differently. I realize that scripture isn't exhorting me to please God - God is already pleased with me. But when I care too much about the approval of man, I'm probably missing opportunities to live a life that reflects God's glory. Ordering our life by the principle of "pleasing" may be problematical at many levels. I wonder how our lives would change if we cared less about what others thought of us. Would it leave us more time to simply care about God, others, and self? Recommended reading: 1 Kings 22 in the morning; Psalm 138 in the evening

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Day 172 - The problem with appearances Scripture focus: But the Master said to him, "I know you Pharisees burnish the surface of your cups and plates so they sparkle in the sun, but I also know your insides are maggoty with greed and secret evil. Stupid Pharisees! Didn't the One who made the outside also make the inside? Turn both your pockets and your hearts inside out and give generously to the poor; then your lives will be clean, not just your dishes and your hands." Luke 11:39-41 The Message My grandmother took her skin care very seriously. Back in the day when sunning soaked in baby oil was the rage, my grandma wore wide-brimmed hats and sat in the shade. She spent a lot of time in the only bathroom in her house caring for her skin. She swore by Pond's cold cream. She never left home without it. As she aged, so did her skin. In spite of her best efforts, age ravaged her soft, creamy white complexion. Age spots and dry skin were her nemesis. If her life goal was appearance management, my grandmother failed. She mourned the loss of her beautiful complexion. But when I looked at her, I didn't notice her skin. I was dazzled by her heart. Mama aged graciously. Using her time wisely, she pursued the good life and ended up living one. She knew how to keep a confidence and sit with the suffering. She never judged others. Responsible in all her ways, no one had to pick up her slack. Humble enough to know when to ask for help, she made the inevitable losses that come with age seem like minor inconveniences. She gave up driving before she had an accident or made my mother fret needlessly. (There was this one little incident when she led the police on a wild and very slow chase through the streets of North Durham. But I guess when you try to live right, it's hard to believe that the police are in hot pursuit.) My grandmother liked a burnished cup as much as anyone I know. But she also paid attention to her insides. She turned out her pockets and her heart. She took care of her body like it was a temple, but she did it so that her body would be sturdy so that she could give generously of herself to others - especially me. I believe with all my heart that my grandmother pleased her Master. Appearances are no match for the authentic life. Everyone knows appearances can be deceiving. I suppose that's why people don't see our outward appearance - when others look at us, they see our heart. Recommended reading: 1 Kings 20 and 21 in the morning; Acts 13 and Psalm 137 in the evening

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Day 171 - Fraudulent feelings Scripture focus: "Why do your disciples flout the rules, showing up at meals without washing their hands?" Jesus answered, "Isaiah was right about frauds like you, hit the bull's-eye in fact." Mark 7:5-6 The Message Shame-filled people have some crazy beliefs about emotions. Here are a few: · Feelings are embarrassing and unnecessary · Avoid messy emotions · Bad things will happen if one fully feels their emotions · Forgetting about past hurts is safer than acknowledging the suffering · Some emotions are acceptable, but most are off limits (anger is bad for example) · Unless emotions are expressed in really big ways - no one pays attention Do any of these "rules" sound familiar to you? If so, let's look at some different ways of viewing our emotional states. · Emotions are a gift from God and serve a purpose · Emotions are neither good nor bad · Emotions can be expressed appropriately · Feeling emotions is an important part of living an authentic life · Emotions don't just disappear. Feeling them honestly helps us deal with them appropriately. · Resources are available to help us figure out our emotions and respond to them healthily · It is appropriate to feel and express anger, fear, worry and anxiety when the situation warrants · Learning how to feel and express our emotions is an important skill set - and moves us toward maturity No one enjoys fake anything. The real deal is always better than cheap imitations. You weren't created to be a faux you. Instead of focusing on rules and rigid plans for appearance management, I pray that we will focus our energies on becoming the person God created. Yes, we're messy. Yes, some of us are wounded. It's true - many of us have had life experiences that have scarred us. Jesus was far more concerned with following God than following rules. I pray that we get busy about the business of ferreting out rules that we need to reject; and learn new ways of experiencing life that embraces our entire human experience. Recommended reading: 1 Kings 19 in the morning; Acts 12 and Psalm 136 in the evening

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Day 170 - Needless and Wantless Scripture focus: God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. Psalm 23:1 The Message Choose the option that best describes you: a. I have trouble articulating what I need and want. I tend to let other people decide for me. b. I know what I need and want, and I get very aggravated when other people block my desires. c. I can differentiate between what I want and what I need. I am pretty good at knowing my part, God's part and the role others play in my self-care. d. Even though I have a decent handle on my needs and wants, I don't have much hope that either my needs or wants will ever be fulfilled. If you chose option a - a mature, reasonably healthy person learns how to identify feelings, desires, needs, and even personal preferences. If this option describes you, it might be helpful to try to figure out what's going on inside and make sure that matches what you're portraying on the outside. When our insides and outsides don't match, we feel like life fakers. If you chose option b - you might struggle with some distorted ideas about what it means to get one's needs met. Maybe you struggle with arrogant entitlement, or perhaps you believe that you don't have what it takes to take care of yourself - and someone else needs to step up to your plate. You might want to explore other ways of viewing your world. Some responsibilities are yours and yours alone; some things only God can do for us. Burdens must be shared with others - and asking for help is not only appropriate, it is essential. If you chose option c - I imagine you are reasonably content. Your circumstances may stink, but it sounds like you have lots of resources to help you through the rough patches of life. I bet you also are helpful to others. If you chose option d - you may need to explore the true nature of hope and its place in your life. Fulfillment isn't realized by getting our way all the time. The psalmist declared that God met all his needs. This is a deep theological principle that is worth wrestling over. I know it's hard for a person who lives with toxic shame to appropriately handle the touchy topic of needs and wants. Trust me. This is important - we'll have a hard time pursuing grand epic adventures if we can't first figure out how to succeed at basic self-care. Recommended reading: 1 Kings 18 in the morning; Acts 11 and Psalm 135 in the evening

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Day 169 - Week 25 - Perfect Scripture focus: God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Psalm 51:10 The Message The movie Hook has several shaming scenes. While on a flight to England, Jack (Peter Pan's son) is tossing a baseball and catching it in his glove. His passion for the game is obvious. So is his anger. Jack's dad has missed one too many baseball games, and this kid isn't going to take it anymore. Jack's behavior angers his dad - who's petrified of flying (ironic for Peter Pan). The root issue isn't really an absentee dad; the real problem is that Jack's dad has lost his place in the story. He's forgotten that his true identity is Peter Pan. He's playing a game of pretend - pretending to be a mature man of influence in his business world. If we don't know who we are, we don't know the next right thing to do. Peter, fueled by both his fear and current state of personal amnesia, hollers at his son, "Stop acting like a child!!" Jack responds, "I am a child." Jack's behavior is developmentally appropriate - Peter's is not. I saw a young genius interviewed recently on a television show. He's about ready to graduate from graduate school at the ripe old age of ten. He talked about the need for serious study and the pursuit of excellence. He explained to the interviewer that intelligence is both a gift and a responsibility - playtime must be sacrificed for the sake of more important things. I wish his mom and dad had seen Hook. At the moment, this kid is getting lots of attention for his perfectionistic pursuit of academia. On national television this young man espoused the value and pursuit of perfection; but that's not his only truth. He's also overworked and underplayed. Since no one can be perfect, striving for it leaves us disappointed - no human can sustain this kind of energy expenditure without repercussions. This boy is only ten - and he already needs a makeover. I know he wants perfection, but some day he's going to crave peace. Unless he learns a few important principles, he may look for this peace in all the wrong places. Here's what I wish he knew: · Accepting our limitations is liberating. · Accepting the mercy and grace of God is healing. · Accepting our limitations often frees us to achieve our potential. It takes a lot of energy to try to avoid mistakes; once we figure out the real deal, we can relax. Flaws no longer flatten us - they inform us. We prefer success, but failure becomes more about learning than losing. Sometimes we even risk failure and find success! This kind of large living is a darn sight more peaceful than the passionate and painful pursuit of perfection. May you find the right kind of peace today! Recommended reading: 1 Kings 16 and 17 in the morning; Psalm 134 in the evening

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Day 168 - Week 24 At A Glance Scripture focus: The story of Nehemiah. Then I gave them my report: "Face it: we're in a bad way here." They said, "We're with you. Let's get started." Nehemiah 2:17-18, The Message This week's devotional study looked at various aspects of shame. But information sharing wasn't the goal of this week's study. Instead, I'm hoping we'll realize that all of us suffer from a case of believing that we're terminally unique - and we need a cure! We're not the most broken, the only defective, the dullest tool in the shed. We're human. We get it wrong sometimes. We also get it right too. Others have gone before us who've also messed up AND moved on to a new way of understanding their life situation. People who suffer with a chronic case of shame aren't hopeless - they're in need of a solution. And many have found a way out of the pity pot of shame-filled living. My dear friends - look up. You may feel down, but you're not out. Others are stretching out their hands, offering you a way out. I pray you accept their offer of support. This completes our one hundred sixty-eighth day of a three hundred sixty five day journey. May you find yourselves drawing nearer to God - and your true God-created identity because of the steps you've taken. Recommended reading: 1 Kings 14 and 15 in the morning; Acts 10 and Psalm 133 in the evening

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Day 167 - Lost Scripture focus: Read the parable of the lost son, in Luke 15:11-32. I expected more gratitude. After years of undiagnosed abuse and neglect, my new friend seemed less than thrilled when I offered up the opinion that he had not been perfectly parented. This young man felt "less than" - the product of the practically perfect family - his blatant humanity a blight on the family image. Unfortunately, according to his version of the story, his drug abuse and failure to succeed made him a black sheep. He was an anomaly - a freak in a family of fantastics. Eventually his self-destructive choices resulted in a fatal accident. He never quite got past his belief that the abuse he experienced at his father's hands was undeserved, inappropriate and actually contributed to his problems. The parable of the lost son was his favorite story. He loved the fact that a guy like him made it into the good book. Living in a pig pen felt right - having your dad throw you a big party when you returned home poor, smelly, and jobless was the stuff of fairy tales. This young man never found his release from shame on planet earth. He read a story of love and acceptance; he only noticed the messiness of one young man's shame. Self-focused living and the internal drive for perfection isn't exactly a perfect scenario for honest self-reflection. It's my prayer that God will give each of us a moment of clarity. We can't deal with any issue we fail to acknowledge. How ironic that so many of us are ashamed to admit that we walk around each day feeling like we're wrong, broken, fit only for a life of less than living. If it weren't shaming, I might berate us with a shame-filled message about the wrongness of our thinking. Instead, consider the fact that the impending sense of doom we feel is common to others too, we're not alone. Others suffer with this distorted sense of self. We're in this stew pot all together - with a heavenly father who regularly chooses to throw parties for poor, smelly, hopeless and helpless people. Recommended reading: 1 Kings 13 in the morning; Psalm 132 in the evening

Day 166 - Shame sensitive Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Scripture focus: God, you did everything you promised, and I'm thanking you with all my heart. You pulled me from the brink of death, my feet from the cliff-edge of doom. Now I stroll at leisure with God in the sunlit fields of life. Psalms 56:12-13 The Message I have a bad shoulder. Eagerly trying to gain an advantage on the tennis court, I managed to strain a small muscle with big pain potential. Heat, ice, pain relievers, and rest eventually reduced the pain. But my shoulder seems vulnerable to re-injury. A history of shame creates this same sensitivity. Here's the deal - if you were shamed as a child, you'll be sensitive to shaming others. Unwittingly, we might be passing on our pain. Here are a few examples of shaming. Ask God to show you if you might be using these shaming techniques in an attempt to control others. · Do you negatively compare one person to another? · Do you say, "I'm so ashamed of you.", "I'm disappointed in you." · Do you teach the biblical principle of respecting others, and misuse it by expecting respect to mean the same thing as always complying with another's request? This isn't respect. Asking questions, disagreeing, discussing, negotiating a compromise - all are healthy signs of respect. One can be exceedingly respectful without becoming a compliant robot. · Do you praise performance but never affirm personhood? · Do you teach the value of pleasing people over pleasing God? When we focus more on winning approval from people than approval from God, we're teaching a shaming, people-pleasing lifestyle. · Do you misrepresent God - emphasizing his power and justice to the exclusion of his mercy and grace? When we use fear of God like a club, we're missing the mark. Culture has taught us that Santa only comes to good girls and boys; unfortunately, we've made God in the image of Santa! · Do you trash talk yourself? Take a day and make a note of your thoughts. Do you berate yourself? Self-shaming results in self-neglect and abuse. Respecting yourself is as important as respecting others! Sore muscles get our attention. Clues that we have a shame problem may be more subtle. If we are self or other shamers, our lives will lack the practice of strolling at leisure. People-pleasing, perfectionism, and high expectations steal joy. These shame-filled habits suck the vibrancy out of our relationships. We were created to stroll at leisure with God in the sunlit fields of life. If trying to figure out whether you have a shame issue is too confusing - ask yourself this question. Am I a grateful person? Do I love my life? Do I stroll at leisure with God in the sunlit fields of life? If not, shame might be standing between you and a big, joyful, grateful heart. Recommended reading: 1 Kings 11 and 12 in the morning; Acts 9 and Psalm 131 in the evening

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