NorthStar Community Daily Devotional

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World Day 158 - Biological Shame Scripture focus: Jesus said, "I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me. John 14:6 The Message My youngest brother had to work pretty hard to keep up with his siblings. He was still a skinny sapling when the older boys hit their growth spurts and acquired muscles and mass. I was working on calculus when he was trying to learn his multiplication tables. None of us understood the seriousness of biological shame. In Sandra Wilson's book, Released from Shame, she taught me a concept that I wish I had known as a big sister to a scrawny youngest child. She says that it is natural for kids to respond shamefully to the noticeable differences between children and adults. I'm assuming this also holds true for younger versus older kids in a family. Healthy families intuitively respond to this potentially shaming situation different from unhealthy families. Healthy families recognize developmental differences - and respond accordingly. This provides the younger children an explanation for the normal, healthy, developmental differences and allows them the opportunity to grow into their adult years without carrying the load of biological shame. Unhealthy families often have unrealistic expectations, capricious and chaotic responses to normal developmental milestones, and leave their little ones feeling shameful. Let's use an example to illustrate the difference. Stu has a weak bladder; at four, he's still wetting the bed once in awhile. His older siblings didn't have this problem. A check-up at the pediatrician's office has reassured the parents and Stu that he'll outgrow this - but the family doesn't quite accept the expert's opinion. So they say things to Stu like, "You're such a baby! Maybe we need to get you some Pampers for teenagers! Cleaning up after you is disgusting! Can't you make it through the night without wetting your bed like a baby? Your big brothers never did this!" If Stu's family had a lick of sense, they wouldn't act this way. They'd do what they could to help Stu. Advice from the pediatrician would be followed. When Stu had an accident, he'd be met with a calm response by his folks. "Stu, remember, not everyone's body grows at the same rate. I guarantee you, by the time it really matters, this issue will be behind you. This is no big deal. This is normal. You'll outgrow it. Your grandpa says he had this problem - and grandma swears he doesn't wet his bed anymore! Let's see how the doctor's suggestions work, and if this is still an issue in a few months, we'll ask for more help from the experts. In the meantime, let's get these sheets in the wash - this is no big deal!" Which family response is more likely to help Stu grow up with a functioning bladder and a healthy sense of self? Obviously, option two. I wonder what your family was like. Did they expect more of you than was developmentally appropriate? Did they claim that their high expectations would make you a manly man or a tough woman? If you had a family that had unrealistic expectations that were developmentally inappropriate, you may be suffering from a toxic case of biological shame. If so, you may be a person who feels the need to perform perfectly - and you may be demanding that same unrealistic standard of others too. My prayer is that God will show each of us if there's any biological shame that we need to let go of so that we can put on our big girl (and boy) panties and move on in life. Recommended reading: 2 Samuel 24 in the morning; Acts 3 and Psalm 122 in the evening