NorthStar Community Daily Devotional

Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World

Day 163 - Nourished

Scripture focus: "All we have are five loaves of bread and two fish," they said. Jesus said, "Bring them here." Then he had the people sit on the grass. He took the five loaves and two fish, lifted his face to heaven in prayer, blessed, broke, and gave the bread to the disciples. The disciples then gave the food to the congregation. They all ate their fill. They gathered twelve baskets of leftovers. About five thousand were fed. Matthew 14:17-21 The Message

Why do most of us struggle with shame? According to Sandra Wilson, it's the result of improper nutrition. In healthy families, three kinds of "feeding" are essential to meet the needs of family members (and keep shame at bay):

Maintenance - physical needs like food, shelter, clothing, medical care
Nurturance - emotional and relational needs of acceptance, affection, affirmation and quality time
Guidance - intellectual and spiritual needs for instruction in all areas of life

Dysfunctional families are impaired in their functioning in these areas. None of us are perfect. But "consistently adequate" is essential if we're going to raise children in a shame-resistant environment. (I recommend reading Wilson's book for a more detailed explanation.)

"Consistently adequate" parents aren't off the hook. Sometimes decent parents regularly teach shame. Once I started learning about shame, I have been amazed at how often I observe shaming behavior all around me. When we expect perfection in self or others - we're teaching shame. Here are a few examples of shaming that I've observed recently:

· When a coach yells to a pitcher, "Throw strikes, you lazy kid." That's shaming. I can't stand it! Do you think a pitcher takes the mound and thinks, "Yippee skippy, I think I'll throw a few wild pitches for the heck of it."

· When a boss says, "I expected better from you than this." That's shaming. The employee may have been a complete goof. I bet the employee expected better of themselves too. But when we imply that a mistake is a character defect, we're shaming. There are ways to correct without shaming. This isn't one of them.

· When a toddler sits in a grocery cart line in the early afternoon, crying, and mom says, "What a little baby! Crying like a baby! We're going to take the little baby home and put him down for a nap." And she says it in a tone of sarcasm, this is shaming. Babies get tired and it is normal and healthy to express it in tears. Biological shame is being planted in the heart of this tyke.

· When a friend says, "You really are a disappointment to me. I wish you were a better friend to me." Again, that's shaming.

We can be consistently good parents, teachers, coaches, bosses, and friends - and still be master teachers in shame. Lest any of these examples leave you feeling shamed remember that God provided us everything we need to cure the chronic condition of shame. He took five loaves of bread and two fish, fed thousands, and had tons of leftovers. Imagine what he can do for us, if we ask him to help us with our shame scurvy. God is in the business of feeding hungry people. Ask the Lord for sustenance for your shame!

Recommended reading: 1 Kings 7 in the morning; Acts 8 and Psalm 127 in the evening