NorthStar Community Daily Devotional: September 2009

October 1 - O Blessed Day!

Scripture focus: You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. Matthew 5:3, The Message

Can you name your top ten blessings of all time? Ignore today’s scripture focus with all its talk of “end of your rope” experiences, and sit still. Stay calm. Listen to yourself. As you become more conscious and aware of your own thoughts, ask yourself: What are my top ten all time blessings?

You’ll never be asked to show this list to another person. No one is going to analyze your response. Try not to be theologically sound or religiously “right” – simply make a list of the top ten blessings based on your own personal experience.

In tomorrow’s devotional, we’ll come back to this list.

Recommended reading: Job 20 - 22

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

© Copyright 2009 NorthStar Community

September 30

Scripture focus: I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-18 (NIV)

During this month's of devotionals, we have barely scratched the surface of the material on boundaries. I hope you'll continue to explore materials on the subject, especially the works of Drs. Cloud and Townsend.

In the meantime, as we practice these principles in all our affairs, I pray that we will continue to be gentle with ourselves and each other.

God has us right where he wants us. Relax. Trust him. Take the next right step. Once we have asked God to take care and control of our lives, we can rest assured that his love for us is limitless. He will never leave us nor forsake us.

May the truths about God's character inspire us to please him, not out of fear, but from a deep wellspring of gratitude for a God who loves us even when we falter.

Recommended reading: Job 17-19

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 29

Another common misapplication of boundary guidelines is turning a boundary into a fortress. Cloud and Townsend use the illustration of Paul and John Mark's relationship as an example. At one point, John Mark desserts Paul and Paul subsequently rejects john mark as a traveling companion on a mission trip (Acts 15:37-39). Paul draws a boundary.

Years later, Paul requests John Mark's companionship (2 Timothy 4:11). Paul changes his boundary.

One can only assume that the concerns that Paul had about John Mark's reliability have been resolved. I love this story. It speaks of redemption without cheapening the process. Clearly Paul didn't rush to restore John Mark into his inner hut. Nor did he banish him from consideration.

Oh Lord, give us the wisdom to know when to say no, when to say yes, so that we can take responsibility for our lives. And when we stumble and fall, may we take responsibility for our errors and please, Lord, may those around us be gracious without violating their own sense of when to say yes, and when to say no.

Recommended reading: Job 14-16

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 28

Beware the boundary basher!

In our excitement to put into practice living within the limits of healthy boundaries, we may go a little overboard. If we are trying to practice this new skill set, and find out that people end up irritated with us, it may be that we are missing a key principle in expressing our boundaries.

Boundaries are not offensive weapons!

As we draw boundaries, remember to watch out for our motivation.

If you're a novice at boundaried living, find a safe place to practice this new habit. Don't go around making all your boundaries visible to every single person you come in contact with! There's no need to state a boundary in a relationship where the boundary doesn't apply. If you find yourself expressing a boundary in an angry tone or with a mean sneer on your face -- maybe what you're really doing is using a lovely guideline for living as a weapon of mass destruction.

Be rooted and established in love before executing a boundary basic!

Recommended reading: Job 11-13

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 27

Scripture focus: "Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets." Luke 6:26 (NIV)

Paul isn't the only one to teach us about the nature of boundaries. In Luke 6, Jesus warns us that effectively using boundaries and living within limits won't always earn us a ticker tape parade. People don't always accept our "nos" graciously, even if our "no" is an apt reply.

Some people resent any kind of difference of opinion. Others hate limits.

We must keep our eye on the ball -- getting other people to like us isn't the same thing as making good friends. If someone you know and hope to love demands compliance and agreement from you on every point -- is that really a friendship or are you simply a convenient door mat for their dirty feet?

If we can free ourselves from the chronic need for approval, we will eventually learn who our true friends are as we set limits. When we set limits, some people will drop us like a hot potato. Others will attack us and call us names. But what have we really lost?

Better to learn who our real friends are by living in a way that is in keeping with healthy principles than to sacrifice our health for someone who has no intention of returning the favor.

Recommended reading: Job 7 - 10

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 26

Scripture focus: Each of you must give as you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." 2 Corinthians 9:7 (NRSV)

I once served in the church nursery for 52 weeks consecutively because I couldn't say, "No." I was young and thought this was what it meant to sacrifice for the kingdom of God. I was wrong.

I love this quote from Cloud and Townsend (p. 110, Boundaries When to Say Yes When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life), "...if we can't say no, we can't say yes."

Each of us is a limited resource. This is a natural boundary of energy, skin, time, ability and purpose. We weren't created to be God. We were created to trust him with all of ourselves. But we're limited. Our responsibility is to choose how to spend the limited resource of self.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul gives us a cheat sheet for how to evaluate our spending. He says that we only give when we can give freely and without compulsion. We are responsible to use our minds and determine appropriate "nos" and "yeses."

Fearful people often can't say no because they fear judgment, withdrawal of love or abandonment. Conversely, some fearful people can't say yes because they fear failure or loss of control. I'm sure there are a kazillion reasons why we often confuse our "yes" and "nos."

But the point is this: each of us must take responsibility for our answer. Sometimes we'll make a mistake in choosing. No worries -- we can learn from our slip ups. I would have missed this teachable moment entirely if instead of taking stock of myself, I chose to foolishly blame those who asked me to serve. Serving was my choice. I own it. If we take personal responsibility and own our decisions with a teachable spirit, we're going to grow and learn.

I would never agree today to keep the nursery for 52 weeks in a row with what I know today. But perhaps I'd never have learned the hard lesson of limited personal resources if I hadn't tested out my hypothesis that loving God means never saying no to desperate nursery care providers. Those 52 Sundays were a small price to pay for such a great life lesson.

Recommended reading: Job 4-6

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 25

Scripture focus: I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13 (NIV)

God meets our needs and lots of our wants.

Unfortunately, we often use our circumstances to determine our level of contentment and judge whether or not we are pleasing God. When life is peachy, it's easy to assume that God is great and so are we. However, when hard times hit, it's easy to judge self and others like Job's friends judged him -- if we suffer, somehow this must be our fault. We've displeased God and he's smacking us down.

Paul reminds us that our situation is not necessarily the best way to assess our relationship with God.

I suppose that's why I am so adamant about reminding myself that trusting God is far more important than trying to please him. I can trust God whether I'm in want or plenty. I can trust God whether I'm naughty or nice. This rock solid foundation inspires me to please him.

I absolutely desire to please God. I understand and embrace the charge God has given us to "work out our salvation" (Philippians 2:12) -- not because I fear that if I don't he'll zap me. I am challenged to do so "with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12) because it is an awe-inspiring reality to come to understand that God doesn't have a Plan B. He's handed us the mantle of responsibility to get out his message of hope to hurting people.

I want to live in a fiscally responsible way; I am committed to my marriage; I try to learn how to be a better mom, friend, and worker every single day -- not because I fear punishment but because I am wowed by the opportunity and privilege of carrying the message.

Each of us has been given a story. Our story is uniquely ours but our mission is not. Together, we weave our stories together for the purpose of telling God's story. Once lost, now found, so go and lend a hand. Paul's promise to each of us is this -- we can do everything through him who gives us strength.

He doesn't promise us success. He doesn't provide a no hassle guarantee. He does provide us the privilege of living responsibly. God's great command to love him, others and self brings with it the opportunity to experience a purposeful life.

May we go and do today, the next right thing.

Recommended reading: Job 1 - 3

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 24

Scripture focus: "...the number-one hallmark of Christians is that we love others (John 13:35)." (Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend, page 103)

During our celebration service series on boundaries, our community often resisted the concept of boundaries. One gentleman told me that I was speaking psycho-babble, and another suggested it was voo doo bible reading. I think the issue that creates such a stir is our firmly held belief that Christians should sacrifice in love for their fellow man. I totally agree that the bible teaches that point. The place where my feedback-loving friends and I diverge is on the issue of whether or not boundaries help or hinder our loving.

I agree with Drs. Cloud and Townsend -- boundaries help us love large.

Speaking strictly from my own personal experience, I can say that I am a better mother when I've had a good night's sleep. My children love to tell the story of going to school, opening their lunch bags and finding a unique treat. One child had three bags of chips and, another three cookies and three apples and the third child had three sandwiches. This gross example of parental negligence happened after a long and late night on the phone where I laid down my life for a friend listening to her sorrow.

I learned a lesson when the children threatened to call Social Services over the lunch snafu. After that incident, if a troubled soul can't share their suffering before my bedtime, it'll have to wait to be told. There are exceptions to this boundary, but not many.

Cloud and Townsend help us understand why boundaries are not Jesus bashing when they tell us that selfishness is an obsession with our own wishes but stewardship of our time and resources is a God thing.

Some days loving each other requires sacrifice. But if we find ourselves choosing to sacrifice every single day at the expense of our own health, we may be playing God. That's not a good plan.

Figuring out how to love others requires prayer, principles and perspective. It isn't about a set of rules. It's the ability to hear God's voice and step as he speaks. May we all grow in our love for one another as we figure out how to take better responsibility for ourselves.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Proverbs 3:5-8 NIV

Recommended reading: Esther 7 - 10

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 23

Scripture focus: What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself. Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry--but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life. Ephesians 4:25-27 (The Message)

Frankly, when my friend began her recovery program it was strictly for selfish purposes. She was miserable. She hoped to feel better. At a minimum she wanted those pesky creditors to stop interrupting her while she watched Jeopardy.

Interestingly enough, if you talk to her about this process, she will get pretty excited and emotional. But when she tells the story, she doesn't really talk about the finances, unfaithfulness, or two divorces. The story she likes to tell is about how she's learned in a very real and practical way the value of Christ's body working as it should -- connected to each other.

She loves to talk about how her financial advisors offered both support and accountability. She openly confesses to anyone who'll listen her need for community, and how her team has really helped her do the next right thing.

I personally prefer the rest of the story.

Although she doesn't intentionally focus on her "issues," she doesn't shy away from them either. They have become useful illustrations for her "before" and "after" life. She loves to tell how she once tried so hard to please God and along the way ended up lying, cheating and stealing. She enjoys the part where she explains how hard it is to practice trusting God when all you want is for someone else to perk your coffee and serve it to you with a smile.

And as she tells these stories on herself, others are encouraged. Without the lies and pretense, people actually seek this new, improved, slightly impoverished but definitely responsible woman over the old model -- the one you couldn't trust your husband with unsupervised.

She may have lost her star status as a frequent customer at her favorite grill, but she has gained a community of friends who also lost their good reputations and ended up trusting God more as a result.

If you've lost your good reputation, I hope her story will encourage you. God has a reputation for restoring, renewing and transforming people like us who lose their way only to find God. May you draw nearer to God today as you trust him with the truth about you.

Recommended reading: Esther 4-6

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 22

Early on in the recovery process, my friend was agitated -- often. No more expensive caffeine fixes in the afternoon felt like she was missing out on the good life! Fortunately, those creditors kept calling. Their nasty demands for payment helped remind her that there's no such thing as a free latte, especially if it's sitting on a charge card accruing 22% interest.

Her accountability team helped her stay on the path of truth. They reminded her that God's prevailing purposes probably weren't going to be altered if she stopped drinking mocha cappuccinos, but if she continued to believe the lie that she was incapable of change, that kind of attitude might keep her side-lined.

When my friend complained about packed lunches, they reminded her that this wasn't about whether one ate a ham and cheese on rye from home or a fast food burger. In fact, her financial recovery team often had to help renew her vision. This work wasn't about finances -- it was about learning how to trust God. She was trusting God by learning how to live within her means.

At first these small changes didn't seem very significant. Her whining continued. But her team stayed focused and told her that faith isn't a magic potion. They suggested that if she kept on taking the next right step, and if she trusted God with the outcome, good things might happen. But for sure, fewer bad things would happen!

Guess what? No, she is not debt free! But she is freer. She is closer. The red numbers are going down. She's making progress. She's feeling good about her boundaries and better about her character.

Once upon a time the Devil had a foothold in every area of her life, now it appears as if he is on a slippery slope, losing his grip. My friend is getting her groove back. Is she perfect? No way! Is she in process? Yes way!

May we all continue to ask God to show us how to trust him in all our ways.

Recommended reading: Esther 1-3

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 21

Scripture focus: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8 (The Message)

In the last few days we've been picking apart my friend's assumption that the root of all her evil is bad boundaries. I appreciate her willingness to share this with you. I want to end this little mini-series on a positive note, because there is one! Although my friend still would tell you that she is struggling to get the relationship stuff down, she has taken a big leap of faith (and trust) in the area of personal finances. Her debt got so big and her consequences so distressing that she eventually asked a few trusted advisors to help. This mentoring relationship did not start off particularly well. At first, she had trouble telling the truth. She minimized and balked at taking meaningful action. She had a lot of excuses for why now wasn't a good time to take responsibility for her financial situation. But her mentoring team was patient, and she was in deep trouble, so the truth came out in dribs and drabs. Fortunately, her counselors were wise. (They didn't go into these meetings with expectations that a quick fix was eminent. They did, however, have a sense of expectancy about what God could and would do if this young woman would ask, seek and knock. This kept them patient and calm.) They reminded her that trusting God means taking the next right step, not clicking your heels together and hoping for the best -- even if you cover it in prayer! Her mentors advised her to start praying and asking for things like willingness, honesty and the removal of stubborn defects of character. While she prayed, she was asked to work. Here are some of the steps she took:

She kept a detailed account of every penny she spent. This helped her be honest and provided the team with the information they needed to support her financial recovery program.

Weekly the team discussed her money "journal" -- and feedback was given. She listened.

She stopped using charge cards and went to a "cash only" system to help her with personal accountability.

She stopped eating out, dropping by her local specialty shop for expensive coffees, and buying prepared foods. She began packing lunches. She didn't treat herself to new shoes every time she felt a little blue.

She was coached on debt consolidation.

She added a part time job to her schedule.

She gave up cable, her cell phone and an expensive gym membership. (But she is walking an hour a day and strength training three times a week at home.)

Are all her financial woes behind her? Not quite. More on how she's doing with this new recovery program in tomorrow's devotional.

Recommended reading: Nehemiah 11-13

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 20

Scripture focus: But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him." But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. Hebrews 10:38-39 (The Message)

What would it mean for my friend to have chosen to live by faith? She believes that is exactly what she is practicing -- her faith. She goes to church (a new one since her shinanagins caused all sorts of broken relationships at the old church), sings in the praise band, teaches a youth bible study, keeps the nursery. Isn't that living by faith? Some might suggest that perhaps that is more about living at church than living by faith -- but I digress!

What if...living by faith meant that when she started having feelings for her friend's husband, she ran (not walked, not meandered, not sauntered) to her most trusted advisors and told them the truth about her situation?

What if...her trusted advisors were actually trustworthy, and they suggested that she take some proactive measures to nip this fantasy in the bud before something terrible happened?

What if...she actually listened? Maybe she would have to seek out some good counseling. Perhaps she'd have to end the "couples" activities, and only hang out with her girlfriend. She might have to tell her husband of the temptation, and ask his help and support in figuring out why she is thinking about another man rather than him. Maybe she needs to stop drinking margaritas on Friday night when the two couples go out to dinner. These kinds of choices are going to require trust in God and not her own desires. She's going to have to choose to remind herself that God loves her even when her marriage is shaky. She'll need a crash refresher course on how God meets her every need, so that she doesn't fall into a self-pity pot and start trying to find her happy place independent of God and his parameters for loving him, others and self.

Faith isn't about having great feelings about God and his ways all the time. Some days it's about taking the next right step -- especially when the "committee of voices" in our head is screaming for us to take matters into our own hand and go for that which is pleasurable rather than that which is pleasing.

You see, pleasing God isn't a condition of relationship with him. But when we trust him, we desire to please him because that's what we want when we love someone and feel secure in their love for us. My friend clearly knew that what she was doing was not pleasing to God. This did not stop her.

What may help her in the future is realizing that before she actually committed a single "bad act" -- she had cheated on God in her thought life. She stopped trusting God and began relying on someone or something else to make her happy. I suspect we would all be better at boundaries if we constantly reminded ourselves to start with trusting God.

Recommended reading: Nehemiah 7 - 10

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 19

Scripture focus: Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it. You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way. You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble." So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him camper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet. James 4:1-10 (The Message)

Obviously, God is not pleased by my friend's choice to commit adultery.

My friend assumes that her life is miserable because she has displeased the Lord.

I wonder if the root issue is really more about her unwillingness to trust God. (Hang with me -- I'm headed someplace with this kind of thinking.)

On a regular basis my buddy renews her commitment to pleasing God. And she works really hard at this...for about a week. Then she gets discouraged, feels ashamed, gets anxious and ends up comforting herself...with new clothes she can't afford, a new love obsession, or some other form of self-medication that often has the unwanted side-effect of self-destruction.

What if...instead of working so hard to please God, she simply practiced trusting him? Please don't hear this as a simplistic religious response. I am suggesting something that is very very hard. It's not supposed to be easy!!! Changing old, ingrained patterns is never easy!

However, I would submit for your consideration that slinking around with her best friend's husband was also not easy. Divorcing her first husband was no walk in the park. It didn't feel so great being kicked out of her church either (no comment on that topic). When her best friend found out, showed up at the ball field where their children were playing and made quite the scene -- including calling this woman a bunch of words that even I don't use -- that wasn't easy either. Creditors call her daily -- that's embarrassing. When her credit card gets rejected because she's over her limit, that's humiliating.

So if you're thinking about how hard what I am about to suggest is -- I agree. But not as hard as the consequences of living independently of God. More on this tough topic tomorrow.

Recommended reading: Nehemiah 4-6

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 18

Admittedly, the woman in yesterday's devotional appears to have traipsed across and even trampled a bunch of boundaries. So would a class on boundaries or hiring a boundaries tutor fix her problems?

Here's another thought to ponder. What if her bad boundary behaving is a reflection of her willingness to cheat on God? What if her boundary blunders are more symptomatic than they are problematic (although lying, cheating and stealing are big problems)?

Since she's a spiritual woman, there have been times when she's been able to get in touch with feelings of guilt and shame over her choices. She's also clearly bitter about the second husband's departure.

But here's the issue that I have encouraged her to consider. Although God clearly gives us instructions (limits/boundaries) for right living such as: don't lie (At a minimum, wasn't she lying to herself when she married a man with a history of infidelity, not to mention her own issues in that area, expecting the marriage to magically succeed without working on the "issues" related to the cheating?), don't cheat (obviously she did that), don't steal (Isn't spending more than we make really stealing from someone? Aren't we cheating someone when we can't pay our debts?) he doesn't require us to do so in order to win his love. However, God does ask us to trust him. Her choices may be more indicative of her state of trust than her innate ability to live within limits.

Tune in tomorrow for further discussion about why her boundary boo boos may be more of a spiritual malady than she thinks.

Recommended reading: Nehemiah 1-3

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 17

Scripture focus: Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it. You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way. You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble." So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet. James 4:1-10 (The Message)

"When am I ever going to get this boundary stuff down?" My friend is frustrated. She thinks she is boundary-disabled. I asked her the kind of tough question you can only ask if people are real open and honest: "Would you be willing to consider the possibility that your problem has more to do with your cheating on God than your ability to apply healthy boundary principles?"

After she recovered from the question, she began to outline for me her reasons why she thought she suffered from a chronic inability to live within healthy boundaries. Here are a couple of the examples she's willing to share with all of us...

She had an affair with her best friend's husband, divorced her own husband, married the guy who she had the affair with -- and he eventually left her for the babysitter.

She finds herself in massive credit card debt because she spends more than she makes every single month and has no solid plan or commitment to either reducing or spending or increasing her income.

She goes to church every week; she has a daily quiet time; she completely trusts God to rescue her from all her problems.

From her perspective, she believes that her spiritual program is the strongest part of her life. She believes that with appropriate boundaries, she wouldn't have had an affair, would have been a better wife so the guy wouldn't stray, and that she'd be more fiscally responsible.

More on another proposed perspective in tomorrow's devotional.

Recommended reading: Ezra 8-10

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 16

Way back in the beginning of our conversations on boundaries, we said that boundaries are a property line that defines where a person begins and ends. Implicit in that definition is an awareness that all of us have boundaries and we do not live in a vacuum (according to Cloud and Townsend). They remind us in all of their excellent books that boundaries are necessities because we live in relationship with others.

Let's pause on this seemingly obvious truth.

Boundaries aren't ways we use to decide what we will or will not do but are more about how we love. In order to be good "lovers" of others, we have a responsibility to them and for ourselves to clearly make our boundaries visible. When we don't do this, we are creating a relationship environment that will be rich with strife, misunderstandings, chaos and confusion.

Our relationship "quarrels" often are symptoms of fear. Fear of not being liked, abandonment, loss of love, loss of connection, loss of approval, anger, etc. When we live in fear mode, we end up making decisions that are driven more by fear than faith. We end up living a dishonest life.

When we don't express our boundaries, our relationships suffer. David reminded us in a psalm that God desires truth in the inmost place; Paul told us to speak the truth in love. One way we achieve these two calls to godly living is by expressing our boundaries respectfully one to another.

Recommended reading: Ezra 5-7

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 15

Scripture focus: Reactive -- "You have heard it said, 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.'

Proactive -- But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also." Matthew 5:38-39

Does this Matthew passage sound confusing or perhaps offensive to you? I suggest you grab a "boundary" book written by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, and read their take on this passage at it relates to boundaries. They say a lot of good stuff and I found their take very enlightening. For today's devotion time, I'd like to tell you a story.

Once I was taken advantage of by a person who repeatedly (metaphorically speaking) "struck me on my right cheek." At first I thought that a 'good' Christian would just ignore that kind of unkind behavior. I convinced myself that I was the 'better' person for not retaliating.

This repeated figurative "beating" eventually left me feeling F.I.N.E. -- freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional. So I began to "react" to this aggression with my own anger. I became snide and sarcastic and looked for opportunities to judge this person for their behavior. During this stage I felt righteously indignant. After all, I reasoned, God wouldn't want one of his children (me) to be treated in this manner -- which is absolutely true. Therefore, I used this reasoning to excuse the fact that I was now busy playing this other person's game -- 'eye for eye, tooth for tooth' living.

When I began studying boundaries, I discovered a new and different approach. I realized that I could accept the truth rather than continue making up my version of reality as I lived in relationship with this person.

Here's the truth as I understand it today:

This person has treated me badly so many times that I cannot help but conclude that they do not wish good for me. If I stand too close, they're going to strike me.

I have responsibility for where I stand! So if I don't mind getting smacked, then I may as well go stand in front of them. And when they smack me, I should not be surprised. If I sow the seed of standing too close, I will reap the reward of a red cheek.

If I stand to close, I am responsible for that decision (not their abuse -- that's on them). That does not free me to begin to behave disrespectfully and aggressively toward them. One bad act on their part does not free me from my responsibility to behave in a loving manner toward them. But I must be careful how I define loving. Allowing another to abuse us is not loving them!

If I really want to treat them with love, I will stop standing too close. When I provide them an opportunity to do evil, I'm enabling their evil sowing -- and I know that eventually they will reap a pile of yukky stuff for their misdeeds. It is a loving thing for me to step back. In codependency terminology, we would call that detaching with love.

Recommended reading: Ezra 1-4

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 14

Scripture focus: You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17 (The Message)

I know a guy who loves to sharpen his sword and then use it aggressively. He has used this proverb to support his action. Personally, I think he might want to reconsider his choices in light of Cloud and Townsend's "law of evaluation."

Honesty is a good thing - but not if it is used as a weapon of harm.

Sometimes honesty hurts. But if it is used to harm another, we've moved from refinement to rage.

The law of evaluation helps us separate hurting from harming.

Every summer when I was a child I used to go visit my grandparents. I loved my grandparents dearly. But in all honesty, I was equally eager to play with my friends who lived next door. I would eagerly count down the days until I could pack my bags and head to Mama and Papa's (and fun times with great friends).

One fun summer we went to a pool -- something I had rarely experienced. While there, I stepped on a sliver of glass. When I returned home and showed my boo boo to my grandmother, she realized that the glass was still embedded and promptly sent me next door for first aid. I'm not sure why they didn't whip out their own pair of tweezers, but I suspect it was probably because I wailed when they tried. (Their vision wasn't what it used to be -- trust me on this, I rode with them in their big old Buick often enough to know this was a fact.) I trusted my friends' parents so much that I was willing to let them hurt me by pulling out the glass. I believed with all my heart they would never harm me.

When giving and receiving feedback, it is important to evaluate the situation carefully. Make sure that all parties can distinguish between hurting and harming.

The offending shard of glass was removed and I practically fainted during the process -- I am a sissy at heart. But harm was averted. Good friends learn how to hurt without harming. I wanted everyone to leave the glass in my foot, but I was too well loved by the grown-ups for them to allow me to make that call. Leaving the glass in would have been an act of irresponsibility and caused harm.

Sometimes willingness to learn from the sting of a hurt is far better than living with the consequences of a softer, gentler way -- which sometimes causes grave harm.

Recommended reading: Philippians 3-4; Psalm 88

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 13

Scripture focus: The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry, and a wise friend's timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger. Proverbs 25:11-12 (The Message)

Cloud and Townsend teach us that motivation is a key ingredient when it comes to setting boundaries. They warn us that without a proper motivation, we might end up making some poor giving and receiving decisions.

When we say "yes" and then resent it -- we may be saying "yes" because we fear: loss of love or abandonment, others' anger, loneliness, losing our "good" reputation.

When we feel guilty, we often try to perform and "be good" by giving and giving and giving.

When we have received things with guilt messages attached, we may feel ashamed and burdened by the need to "give back."

When we seek approval, we seek to please.

When we have unhealed wounds, sometimes we over-identify with other people's pain, so we never want to disappoint by saying "no."

It's hard to give or receive a timely reprimand if we are driven by fear, guilt, shame, unhealed wounding or the need for approval. According to these boundary gurus, we will struggle with applying the "right word at the right time" principle of loving unless we get our motivations properly aligned.

"The point is this: we were called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others. If your giving is not leading to cheer, then you need to examine the law of Motivation. The Law of Motivations says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to." (p. 94 in the previously footnoted book on Boundaries).

Recommended reading: Philippians 1-2; Psalm 87

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 12

Scripture focus: An honest answer is like a warm hug. Proverbs 24:26 (The Message)

I don't know how it happened, but I ended up with a copy of Oprah Magazine delivered to my house. Although there were tons of good, interesting articles, I was particularly taken by an article written by Martha Beck on addiction to approval. She wove a beautiful tale about a friend who was an approval junkie, and told of her journey from dependence on other people's flattery to freedom to accept herself whether or not the masses clapped in adoration at her every move.

Admittedly, I do not like it when Pete tells me that yes, indeed, those pants make me look fat. Although he will not lie, even when it seems that it is in his best interest, his words of affirmation are made all the more sweet because I know they can be counted on. They are sincere. If Pete tells you he thinks you did a good job, trust me, you did a good job. I have come to appreciate the fact that I'm married to a man who is both constitutionally incapable of flattery and unkindness. If you've ever been the blessed recipient of a truth encounter with my husband, I bet you agree with me. He's the only person I know who can speak a tough truth and the recipient walks away feeling grateful (eventually). Living with him is like being wrapped in a perpetual warm hug.

Flattery is easy to hear but hard to swallow.

Honesty paired with grace is a beautiful thing.

Be that guy (or gal) -- willing to speak, eager to hear an honest answer today.

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 34-36

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 11

Scripture focus: Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. Galatians 5:1 (The Message)

I used to think freedom was spelled FROM. When I was a kid I liked to day dream about adult freedoms and these dreams included: freedom from having to brush my teeth, eat veggies, have only one dessert per day, go to school, do homework, read nonfiction. I also had a couple of TO fantasies. When I was three years old I went to a neighbor's house and tried to borrow sugar for my mom. The problem was that my mom didn't send me. I wanted to eat sugar plain, and my mom said no, so this was my childish scheme to circumvent her authority. My neighbor, in an effort to be accommodating, called my mom and asked, "How much sugar?" because at age three, I had no clue how to answer that question. All I knew is that I wanted to be free TO eat whatever I wanted, including sugar straight up.

The rest of the story is blocked from my memory. I have no clue how or if I extricated myself from that situation. I seem to remember fleeing the scene. As an adult I have to wonder how I got out of the house undetected to roam the street begging for sugar.

However that story turned out, I have discovered that as an adult freedom has little to do with getting my personal preferences met on a regular basis.

True freedom is realized as I learn how to live within my true God-created self in relationship with others and in keeping with God's prevailing purposes. If you're still living in the fantasy world of wanting what you want when you want it, maybe this sounds like a bummer definition of freedom.

So let me illustrate. If I gave into my childhood fantasies of eating sugar plain, never brushing my teeth, avoiding all veggies, eating as many desserts as suited my fancy, never going to school or doing homework, and reading only fiction (not literature, more the smutty kind), would I be free?

I certainly wouldn't be free to go into a regular store and buy a reasonable size of britches.

I wouldn't be free to pursue God's big dreams for my life because I would lack the education to do so.

I wouldn't be free to smile, because my teeth would be disgusting.

I wouldn't be free to grow and change because I wouldn't be reading good books on things that might help me transform -- like scripture, books on boundaries, courses on the Christ-centered twelve steps, etc.

So were my childhood fantasies dreams of freedom, or simply developmentally appropriate experimentations with getting to know myself? Through the gift of guidance, I have learned that the sweet life isn't spelled SUGAR. But it took a lot of people loving me well to figure that out. May our lives be truly sweet today as we learn to live and love within the limits of God's prevailing purposes.

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 31-33

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 10

Scripture focus: God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day--our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life--fear of death, fear of judgment--is one not yet fully formed in love. 1 John 4:17-18 (The Message)

Discussions about boundaries can cause us to jump to some faulty conclusions about the nature of loving others. One of my favorite examples of living with healthy boundaries involves a discussion about parents and what is appropriate for us as we relate to our young children's eating habits. My son has suggested that my exaggerated style of communication may indeed leave some parents confused about proper parental responsibility as it applies to teaching kids about nutrition. (Frankly, I have to wonder if the kid isn't just a little resentful that I didn't come to this perspective on the care and feeding of children until he was a teenager!) Here's the example, you be the judge.

I suggested in a message that if little Johnny doesn't like peas, why force him to eat them? My intended point was that children are experimenting with their own sense of self, and it is crucial that we as parents listen to them and as long as it is not illegal, immoral or fattening, we should make every effort to respect a child's boundary setting. My point was not that kids should run the show at home. I was asking the audience to consider the fact that if we ignore our children's preferences, we are teaching our children that how they feel and what they think doesn't matter. We may unwittingly teach them that they have absolutely no control over their life. This is not a good lesson.

Although it may be convenient for a parent if a young child learns how to be compliant and never complain, this short term strategy of "powering up" on a kid will eventually backfire. Children who are treated like this often grow into very rebellious youth, or super compliant adults who let other people push them around.

Now, my son is clearly right to object to this lesson if the takeaway is that little Johnny ought to eat whatever he wants whenever he wants it. But that was not my point. My point is that we as parents have responsibility for creating a kitchen that encourages healthy eating. We should eat healthy, nutritious meals ourselves. This kind of modeling is far more effective than just bossing our kids around, teaching them to chaff under our "do as I say not as I do" system of parenting.

In a house that is properly modeling healthy, nutritious eating, kids can choose to not eat their peas but will always have a variety of other healthy veggie choices at the same meal. Love has the run of this kind of household. It's not a willy nilly boundary-less place, but a place where the adults live healthily, and the children follow suit -- not because they're forced, but because they're invited to live well. You realize, of course, that it is hard for a kid to consistently choose poorly at mealtime if mealtime regularly has a variety of healthy choices, right? That was my point. If this helps clarify your thinking, thank Michael for helping me tweak the example!

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 27-30

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 9

Scripture focus: Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults--unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. Matthew 7:1-5 (The Message)

One of the issues I have with both confession and living a healthily "boundaried" life is my tendency to minimize, rationalize and deny my own wrongdoing. I'm not all that great at self-reflection -- especially if the expectation is that I will have an accurate picture of myself as I reflect.

Along the recovery way, I've discovered some "clues" that help me by-pass my well-honed defense mechanisms. Can you relate of any of these?

When I am in need of confession or a boundary adjustment, a bad attitude is one of my first clues that I'm in trouble. Boundary-less, unconfessed living creates discomfort, and when I'm uncomfortable but unwilling to acknowledge the truth of this state of dis-ease, I begin to:

Pick on others

Criticize and highlight the faults of others

Develop an attitude of critiquing and criticizing others (rather than working my own program)

Become oblivious to my own ugly sneer

Begin playing a part rather than living my life

In addition, this kind of behavior is also extremely disrespectful. I'm responsible for my own confessing and repenting. I am responsible to people in my "hut" -- to respect them. This doesn't require that I agree with them on every point. But I can treat them with respect.

Even on a day when I'm in need of a personal attitude adjustment, I can avoid harming others by living within the boundary of respecting others.

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 24-26

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 8

Scripture focus: Are you hurting? Pray. Do you feel great? Sing. Are you sick? Call the church leaders together to pray and anoint you with oil in the name of the Master. Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you've sinned, you'll be forgiven--healed inside and out. Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. James 5:13-17 (The Message)

Once we have admitted the true nature of our situation, we discover that we are free to accept responsibility for some other things, including:

making a treatment plan in response to our powerlessness and resulting unmanageable lives

implementing the plan

and eventually, making amends to all the folks we hurt along the way.

My personal experience leads me to conclude that none of these things can be effectively achieved in isolation. It's my prayer that you will seek and find a community that can encourage you along the way. As time marches on, this humbling experience of confession, community and repentance may be the very thing that most qualifies us to live our grand epic adventure!

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 21-23

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 7

We are responsible for asking God and others to help us recognize and take ownership of "our part" in whatever pickle we find ourselves in. This will require community.

We are responsible for turning from evil and toward good. This is repentance.

Have you ever found yourself judging the confession of another? I once knew this guy who came to me and confessed something that he thought was a great sin -- and as far as I can tell, he was right. But the problem for me was that I knew his extended family, and I had heard stories about this fellow for years. Maybe none of these stories were true, but if they were, he had plenty more worth confessing then the story he shared with me. I was tempted to judge his confession. My mind raced with this thought, "Really, of all the stories, this is the one you feel compelled to confess?" Quickly I put the skids on that kind of thinking. Past experience helped me avoid a potentially painful judgmental moment.

I made the decision a long time ago that other people's confessions were not my business to judge. I was glad I didn't need to think about how to respond to his story. I simply listened, prayed with him and let him take responsibility for asking God and others to hear his story. He is responsible for turning from evil and toward good. He decides with the most clarity he can muster -- with God's help and his community's support -- exactly what to confess.

If he is willing, he will utilize his community to help him with this process. His community has responsibility to serve him in a way that respects boundaries. When we as a community get confused on this point, we'll probably find ourselves on the slippery slope of to and for confusion. Perhaps that's why Galatians six reminds us, "But what yourself, or you also may be tempted."

When I'm feeling tempted to judge another, I often discover I have some unconfessed junk in my own trunk. May we lighten our own load of unconfessed sin today, so that we will be more equipped to share in the carrying of other's burdens tomorrow.

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 18-20

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 6

We are responsible for acknowledging the truth about our problems -- without subterfuge, deceit, or denial - to the best of our ability at this moment. This requires humility.

It's hard to confess powerlessness without feeling the need to explain. Did you ever watch the I Love Lucy show? Can you remember Ricky Ricardo saying to Lucy, "Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do?" Perhaps it made Ricky feel better to hear Lucy share her reasoning behind her zany ways -- but God isn't like that.

He already knows us inside and out. Too much " 'splaining" and we start sounding like people who are making excuses.

I pray that today will bring us all one step closer to sharing with someone we can trust the truth about our problems.

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 15 - 17

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 5

We are responsible for admitting our powerlessness. This admission is within our power. It doesn't make it easy, but others will attest -- it is possible. This is referred to as confession.

Powerlessness is not an excuse to remain irresponsible.

And although I don't understand why or how this works (although I'm pretty confident in the one who does the work), it's amazingly difficult to free ourselves from our compulsions unless we admit to being powerless. Many times we "work at" an issue without every fully acknowledging it's power over us. This kind of work usually results in good intentions but eventual collapse from all the self-effort. This is very discouraging. Sincerity won't rescue us from the kind of imprisonment that comes with a true encounter with powerlessness.

Conversely, I've observed that people who confess -- a Greek work that literally means to agree with God about a matter -- often find a way back to God, community and peace through the process of recovery.

If you want to take this first step, remember that this is a step of acknowledgement with not explanation following the confession. Just admit it. I am powerless over: ______________________ and my life has become unmanageable in the following areas as a result of this powerlessness: ___________________.

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 12 - 14

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 4

Scripture focus: It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. Romans 7:21-22 (The Message)

More than once I've had to break up a fight between a husband and wife who are confused about the recovery principle of powerlessness and the boundary principle of taking responsibility for one's emotions, attitudes and behaviors. I understand the confusion and hope today's devotion might start some good conversation among us about these two seemingly contradictory concepts.

The first step of the 12-step process allows the participant the opportunity to admit that they are powerless over their addiction -- Romans 7 stuff. It's an essential first step in the recovery process. But that doesn't mean we are powerless over everything!

In fact, one of the first steps out of bondage toward freedom is to take responsibility for those parts of our life that we are absolutely, positively powerless over. This powerlessness is evidenced by unmanageability.

We may not know how to take a chaotic life and restore order, but we can do this: we can take responsibility for our current situation by admitting that we have an unmanageable life and areas of powerlessness that overcome us on a regular basis. More on what we can take responsibility for tomorrow.

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 9 - 11

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 3

Scripture focus: Let angry people endure the backlash of their own anger; if you try to make it better, you'll only make it worse. Proverbs 19:19 (The Message)

Yesterday's devotional introduced us to a woman who had mistaken laying her life down (serving others) for boundary-less codependency (taking responsibility for others to the detriment of being responsible for carrying her own load) and came out badly wounded. In an effort to love her son, she had spent years shielding him from the consequences of his own choices (so he never learned the principle that we reap what we sow) and eventually he hurt her deeply by doing unto his mother what he had done to others for years. He hit her. Hard. A bunch of times.

How much better it would have been if Junior had learned in preschool that harming others has severe consequences! Instead, he felt the full effects of the law when his violence resulted in a trip to the emergency room for his mother and him being charged with assault and battery.

Junior had often displayed a nasty temper as a young boy but mom made one excuse after another for his impulsive violent outbursts. By the time he entered middle school people avoided him like the plague. He became not only angry, but isolated. Of course, with his mother running around blaming others and excusing him -- he was robbed of the opportunity to learn that it was his behavior that was determining his relationship outcomes.

This mother thought she was protecting her boy, but what she really did was shield him from learning valuable life lessons that would have helped him learn how to live and love in community.

Another principle of boundaries -- it is loving to allow people to accept responsibility for their sowing.

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 5-7

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

September 2

Scripture focus: It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out--in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then? Galatians 5:13-15 (The Message)

Although the meeting room was filled with stories about how people had loved without limits and ended up in a support group as a consequence, on this particular night no one seemed to be in a learning mood. The topic was boundaries; the resistance was fierce.

"Who can I complain to about this meeting?" the newcomer asked with vehemence. "I can't believe this kind of thing is allowed to go on in a church! What do you mean we should be taking care of ourselves, and not getting too hungry, angry, lonely or tired (H.A.L.T.)? I am a Christian -- I lay my life down for my friends. It's what God said to do, and I do it!" Of course, scripture does indeed say that very thing.

After the meeting ended, a couple of women invited our new and angry friend out for coffee. They had a lovely time offering up their personal experiences with learning how to responsibly love others while also being responsible for themselves. This little bit of extra time helped this woman tremendously. It was a fine example of doing just what that lady said Christians should do -- they laid down their lives for her.

But the reason that they could choose freely to offer up their time to her was because they had learned how to use boundaries appropriately. They had acquired the skills that enabled them to balance the tos and fors of life without losing perspective or loving outside the limits of how God says healthy people love one another. Without loving others, we might become super selfish with too thick boundaries. Giving to others all willy nilly without appropriate boundaries might leave us freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional -- the exact condition that the newcomer displayed in her first meeting.

Fortunately for her, this experienced support group knew the signs -- and had personal experience with living a boundary-less life -- so they were able to patiently and gently offer this battered woman a reprieve from her own personal storm.

Drs. Cloud and Townsend say that "[a] strong strand throughout the Bible stresses that you are to give to needs and put limits on sin. Boundaries help you do just that." Whether the sin is selfishness or limitless loving that hurts more than helps, learning how to love responsibly is a God thing.

Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 1 - 3

Click on the word comments below and join our conversation!

Blog Archive

Subscribe to Our Podcast

Click Below for Blogging Help

Chat Rooms

Read More Blogs

Links