September 10
Scripture focus: God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day--our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life--fear of death, fear of judgment--is one not yet fully formed in love. 1 John 4:17-18 (The Message)
Discussions about boundaries can cause us to jump to some faulty conclusions about the nature of loving others. One of my favorite examples of living with healthy boundaries involves a discussion about parents and what is appropriate for us as we relate to our young children's eating habits. My son has suggested that my exaggerated style of communication may indeed leave some parents confused about proper parental responsibility as it applies to teaching kids about nutrition. (Frankly, I have to wonder if the kid isn't just a little resentful that I didn't come to this perspective on the care and feeding of children until he was a teenager!) Here's the example, you be the judge.
I suggested in a message that if little Johnny doesn't like peas, why force him to eat them? My intended point was that children are experimenting with their own sense of self, and it is crucial that we as parents listen to them and as long as it is not illegal, immoral or fattening, we should make every effort to respect a child's boundary setting. My point was not that kids should run the show at home. I was asking the audience to consider the fact that if we ignore our children's preferences, we are teaching our children that how they feel and what they think doesn't matter. We may unwittingly teach them that they have absolutely no control over their life. This is not a good lesson.
Although it may be convenient for a parent if a young child learns how to be compliant and never complain, this short term strategy of "powering up" on a kid will eventually backfire. Children who are treated like this often grow into very rebellious youth, or super compliant adults who let other people push them around.
Now, my son is clearly right to object to this lesson if the takeaway is that little Johnny ought to eat whatever he wants whenever he wants it. But that was not my point. My point is that we as parents have responsibility for creating a kitchen that encourages healthy eating. We should eat healthy, nutritious meals ourselves. This kind of modeling is far more effective than just bossing our kids around, teaching them to chaff under our "do as I say not as I do" system of parenting.
In a house that is properly modeling healthy, nutritious eating, kids can choose to not eat their peas but will always have a variety of other healthy veggie choices at the same meal. Love has the run of this kind of household. It's not a willy nilly boundary-less place, but a place where the adults live healthily, and the children follow suit -- not because they're forced, but because they're invited to live well. You realize, of course, that it is hard for a kid to consistently choose poorly at mealtime if mealtime regularly has a variety of healthy choices, right? That was my point. If this helps clarify your thinking, thank Michael for helping me tweak the example!
Recommended reading: 2 Chronicles 27-30
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7 comments:
Personally, I agree, and here's why: One of the things that I still struggle with from my abusive childhood, even with years of counseling and step work, pertains to food. I was forced to eat things that I intensely disliked, and/or was/am allergic to. After years of "drama" a/k/a yelling and screaming at the dinner table, my choices when served, for example a plate of fish roe and eggs with a side of burnt squash with onions, became 1) eat every bit of it, or 2) sit at the table and stare at it until bedtime. I cannot begin to tell you how much of my childhood was spent staring at a plate of food that I detested. And, I went to a public school where you were told you had to eat/drink everything on your tray...even the milk, which brought on vomiting by someone like me who is allergic. What did this teach me? Not a thing, except, of course, that my preferences, instincts, bodily reactions, etc. didn't matter. So, what else mattered? Not much. I've recovered from many things, but at 50+ years of age, I am still trying to sort through the wreckage where food is concerned.
Anonymous, what do you do when you have a buffet to choose from? Do you take some of everything even though you know you don't like it or cannot eat it or do you not eat at all? Our relationship with food is a hard one because we have to eat.
Hzjewel:
Are there only two options for anon? I am not quite sure of your point...maybe I am a little dense. Me...I would order off the menu as I don't do buffets, and I cannot go hungry either. Someone with severe food allergies is best to avoid a buffet since there is no telling what is in individual dishes. Maybe I could eat that beautiful wonderful salad only to find that there are shrimp on it and I am violently allergic. Removing the shrimp would not solve the problem. Well, I can order off the menu if that is a choice because then I can be very specific about my needs. Sometimes I even bring my own food to the buffet if it is a pot luck dinner....I know I can eat that. So, I think there are a smorgasbord of choices rather than eating what you are allergic to, don't like , or go hungry. In my humble opinion.
I can relate to the food issues as certain foods can cause severe breathing problems for me. However, I think there is another issue here. There is an element of abuse and neglect in this type of child rearing. teresa mentioned the child will sometimes grow up to feel that he or she doesn't really matter. This type of child rearing can also be carried over into forcing children in to participating in activities that they dont like or enjoy, or to being held responsible for events they had nothing to do with. I can remember once as a teenager, I was at work and some of my friends went out egging houses in the neighborhood. Because one of them I had a truck that looked similar to mine the neighbors thought it was me and called my parents to complain. When I got home from work my parents insisted that I had to go and appoligize to the neighbors and clean up the mess even though I could prove where I was and that I had nothing to do with it. This system of raising children led to my first open act of rebellion and eventually to heavy drinking and other bad choices. This is only one example of the types of things I and many others have been subjected to. I think the point Teresa was making goes beyond food and includes our general attitude towards our children and how we treat them
I completely believe what Teresa said and understand where you are coming from Anon (EVERYONE seems to have food issues of some sort); my confusion/question was actually in response to hzjewl's comment to you. It seemed like he/she was saying so, "what do you do if you don't like what is at the buffet, go hungry." Rather like having to eat peas.... Maybe I just misunderstood, which so often happens on a blog.
Today I dont have to eat no stinkin rudabaga or boiled onions nor do I have to eat while thinking of all the starvin children in china. Come to think of it what does children in china have to do with my eating habits anyway? Oh yeah shaming me into eating what I disliked as an ingrate would. I am grateful that I was introduced to most everything food wise but not so grateful to be forced to eat what I disliked and worse if the dog didnt like it I was stuck.
So lets summerised here: shamed into eating what I did not like, kids in china thing, forced to stay at the table for hours or until I could get the dogs to eat for me under the table and then lie about it. (hurt not harm)
So as a result I became a drug addict and alcoholic. Sometimes I think we can go over board with some of this stuff. Rudabaga and boiled onions are not the root cause of my disease. The way I dealt with it is. Its about my part. And a big part of my part is seeking the help to change but first I have to realize that slamming a keg a weekend and a 12 pack everynight might be less than sane. I HAVE TO REALIZE THAT AND TAKE ACTION. Maybe I needed a bop on the butt as a kidd not to be mistaken with a crack across the face.
Hmmmm...I appreciate the last couple of sentences...not sure why one would think that being forced to eat rudabagas and onions causes addiction. My take away from this devotional was that improper use of boundaries creates a storm of potential problems. Lots of people have to eat what they don't like and don't end up addicted.
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