September 15
Scripture focus: Reactive -- "You have heard it said, 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.'
Proactive -- But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also." Matthew 5:38-39
Does this Matthew passage sound confusing or perhaps offensive to you? I suggest you grab a "boundary" book written by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, and read their take on this passage at it relates to boundaries. They say a lot of good stuff and I found their take very enlightening. For today's devotion time, I'd like to tell you a story.
Once I was taken advantage of by a person who repeatedly (metaphorically speaking) "struck me on my right cheek." At first I thought that a 'good' Christian would just ignore that kind of unkind behavior. I convinced myself that I was the 'better' person for not retaliating.
This repeated figurative "beating" eventually left me feeling F.I.N.E. -- freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional. So I began to "react" to this aggression with my own anger. I became snide and sarcastic and looked for opportunities to judge this person for their behavior. During this stage I felt righteously indignant. After all, I reasoned, God wouldn't want one of his children (me) to be treated in this manner -- which is absolutely true. Therefore, I used this reasoning to excuse the fact that I was now busy playing this other person's game -- 'eye for eye, tooth for tooth' living.
When I began studying boundaries, I discovered a new and different approach. I realized that I could accept the truth rather than continue making up my version of reality as I lived in relationship with this person.
Here's the truth as I understand it today:
- This person has treated me badly so many times that I cannot help but conclude that they do not wish good for me. If I stand too close, they're going to strike me.
- I have responsibility for where I stand! So if I don't mind getting smacked, then I may as well go stand in front of them. And when they smack me, I should not be surprised. If I sow the seed of standing too close, I will reap the reward of a red cheek.
- If I stand to close, I am responsible for that decision (not their abuse -- that's on them). That does not free me to begin to behave disrespectfully and aggressively toward them. One bad act on their part does not free me from my responsibility to behave in a loving manner toward them. But I must be careful how I define loving. Allowing another to abuse us is not loving them!
- If I really want to treat them with love, I will stop standing too close. When I provide them an opportunity to do evil, I'm enabling their evil sowing -- and I know that eventually they will reap a pile of yukky stuff for their misdeeds. It is a loving thing for me to step back. In codependency terminology, we would call that detaching with love.
Recommended reading: Ezra 1-4
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4 comments:
I guess it could be said "Strike me once shame on you strike me twice shame on me". For me it is easier to move away from a striker when not emotionally tied to them or sharing a hut with them. I have tended to find myself beaten and bloody before stepping away from striker close to me. I have found that by using safe healthy boundries that I can distance myself from a striker even living in my hut. I have also found that safe healthy boundries tend to make strikers want to leave my hut. Today I still get struck, I just know who is responsible for the strike.
God Bless
the boundaries are what keep the shame in check for me. If I know and believe my identity in Christ, that is the foundational boundary. I slip in and out of that but at least I know that I know, even when I don't always believe. The belief is something that I am still building on.
Thank you for this very fine example. I have often been confused by what I read in Scripture allowing Satan and others to use the Word against me due to my ignorance. The "church" has also reinforced a lot of behavior, which I now consider unaccepatbale for anyone to tolerate. I took the Word quite literally and have turned the other cheek far too many times. I can see now how that just enabled the abusers to continue with their ungodly behavior. I no longer choose to stand in front of them! Praise the Lord....
This teaching has been very timely for me as I was confusing love & boundaries. I thought that those who really loved me would not strike me but love me, but I realized that isn't the truth. The truth is that a person who cannot control themselves enough to keep from striking when hot, does not belong in my hut, so they are invited to close the door on their way out. I also learned to not stand close enough for their hand to reach me and to not fall for their shallow acts of love.
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