Day 132 - Supportive, or enabling love?
Scripture focus: Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:7-8 Contemporary English Version
Frank continues to struggle with Cathy's definition of support. So Cathy tries to contrast Frank's perspective with her biblical interpretation. "Supportive love doesn't do for others what they should be doing for themselves. The mistake we made was confusing supportive loving with enabling. Enabling is what happens when we became over-responsible toward Frankie, allowing him to live under-responsibly. In our misguided attempts to love Frankie, we inadvertently became people who 'prop up' rather than 'propel' our son toward his grand epic adventure. The propping up process doesn't encourage growth and transformation. Instead, it creates an environment that stifles change. I think that's what happened to us, Frank. Frankie has issues and so do we."
"If you know what we shouldn't be doing, then tell me what you think we should do!"
"I don't think there's a simple formula. But I do think any plan we put into action must fit within the limits of loving God, others and each other. We can't violate that principle. And I think we should operate within the confines of supportive loving, as illustrated in 1 Corinthians. The Greek word for supportive is stego and it means - deck, thatch, to protect or keep by covering, to preserve, to cover over with silence, to keep a secret, to hide, conceal, covering to keep off something which threatens, to bear up against, hold out against, and so endure, bear, forbear. So I think of love as how we relate to those we live within our hut - a building with borders (the walls provide a clear demarcation between those we live in relationship with and those we do not) and covered by a sturdy 'stego'. This is not a license to become a secret-keeper for the sake of appearance management (which we have done man times). This isn't the hiding, bobbing and weaving that you and I have been doing in an attempt to avoid the hard work of accepting personal responsibility and solving problems. This kind of support actually protects and shields people from storms. It is a safe place from the harsh seasons that batter the outside walls of the hut. The 'stego' supportive structure is like a sturdy roof - keeping out inclement weather, and making the hut a safe place to hang out. I particularly love how a decent "stego" covering could provide our entire family the time it needs to resolve an issue, without opening Frankie up to needless gossip and innuendos. While we were trying to work all this out, we should have let some others into our hut with us - people with experience, strength and hope. I'm not saying we should have publicized our son's issues in the local paper! But our secret-keeping has not served any of us well. Does this make sense to you?"
"I am not sure I understand what you mean, but I do agree that my efforts to support Frankie have been ill-conceived. I know I'm hurting more than helping our boy. It's just so very, very hard to see him like this."
To be continued.
Recommended reading: 1 Samuel 11 in the morning; Psalm 107 in the evening
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