Having Heart In A Sometimes Heartless World
Day 144 - Comfort the mourning
Scripture focus: to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. Isaiah 61:2-3 NIV
I cringed as I sat in on a grief workshop and a grieving mother gently berated a mourning widow. This mom seems to think that losing a husband isn't as painful as losing a child. I'm here because one of my ministerial friends has asked me to come in and sit in on the group. It seems that people come once and never return. My pastor friend doesn't understand why all these grieving people in his congregation don't want to participate in a support group with others who share their suffering. This problem wasn't all that hard to figure out.
I'm not great at grieving. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by my own suffering and end up sitting with a mom or spouse or child and blubber. Other times I'm numb. I often find myself speechless in the face of such loss (which is far better than when my mouth turns on and I speak of that which I do not truly understand.) For me, recognizing my own inadequacies is a good place to join a person in their grief.
When God gives us a mission to join Jesus in mourning with those who mourn, sometimes the best and only thing we can do is show up. We don't have to have answers or platitudes or stories of our own suffering. I think it's better to focus on why I'm showing up than it is to figure out what I'm supposed to do when I get there.
The grief support group at my friend's church was floundering because the group didn't understand why they were showing up. People felt the need to give advice, rather than share their experience, strength and hope. Feedback is great when people are in a place to receive it. But the newly mourning tell me that they prefer presence over preaching. In the absence of our own experience, strength and hope we can do two things that are pretty effective: 1.we can shut up and 2.we can ask for help.
I have a friend who has learned how to be a great griever. Here's what I've observed in her:
After many years, beauty has risen out of the ashes of her suffering. She instructs me on the fine art of mourning. She shows up for others who experience loss, even when standing so close to great loss rekindles her own memories. It costs my friend to stand with those who grieve. But she does it.
My friend knows how to apply the healing balm of oil. Suffering people get dehydrated and dried up. My friend brings her oil can and knows just where to add some lubricant, to soften the pain of movement. She knows that going to the grocery store is often more than one can bear. She'll show up and vacuum, dust, and change the linens - because mourning families still need a home to retreat to - and chaotic homes don't ease the way.
My friend quietly covers the agony of others with a soft blanket of protection - shielding them from those who might be ignorant of the mourning process. When others who don't know better begin to murmur that perhaps enough time has passed, my friend whispers in the ears of the grieving, "Let's give it ten years or so, then we'll evaluate your progress."
Sometimes our personal experience equips us to serve others well. But even if we lack in this area, we can offer the gift of presence. I continue to ask the Father to provide us with everything we need to love each other well.
Recommended reading: 2 Samuel 1 and 2 in the morning; Psalm 117 and 118 in the evening
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